How to Do Fashion When You’re Not Quite That Kinda Girl

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After recently going out with the lovely Pixie, whose blog you can find at Journaux Des Fétichismes, and taking some great pictures together in Regent’s Park I began to think about having a Looks category on my blog. This is something I have always wanted to do, but somehow never felt ready. While enjoying other fashion & lifestyle blogs, I always struggled to understand how they work.

Who follows these girls (& guys) around, eager to capture their every turn as they’re casually strolling down the street?

Where do they get those great outfits from and how could I ever afford to pay for new ones twice a week, in order to post them online?

More importantly, how do they find the time and get into the right frame of mind for a photo shoot when life is so & so & so?

I still don’t have the answers, so apologies if the title tricked you into thinking I do. To me, they’re locked boxed in locked boxes to this day.

But I have figured out that, if I don’t know how other girls do it, I know how I can. I live with a photographer, I have friends, family and a very patient boyfriend, and I also happen to have my very own great camera. At the same time I can’t complain much about the things I can find in my wardrobe, which perhaps doesn’t make me much of a fashionista, but bear with me. I have some sets of pictures already, and I’m sure I will only have many more in the future  because at the end of the day, I too am a girl with a love for all things pretty when I’m not the cynic that I usually am.

Here’s a first set of pictures then, all taken by Alecsandra Raluca Dragoi in Southsea right before our big move to London. My outfit is from ASOS, and my shoes are from Zara. The bag is from… well, let’s just say it was very, very cheap.

Oh, and if you’re a Facebook person, maybe follow me there!

 

If you’ve gotten this far, thank you. I’d love to read your comments and opinions and, if you have a blog where you post looks & such, tips. How do you do it? What’s your goal? And how do you stay on top of your busy schedule to do fun things that brighten your day?

 

Love, A.

 

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Badland // Short Story December 2014

I started Badland this month, between finishing my marketing internship at Little, Brown and finally flying home, and posted a fragment on the blog. I haven’t finished writing, but I have a much clearer idea of where the story is going, and I must say I like it a lot so far. Now, I have no clue if the whole thing makes sense to anybody but me, or whether or not others like it too. I’d appreciate your opinions, therefore, and look forward to reading them. Thank you!

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“The world is not made up of atoms; it’s made up of stories.” – Muriel Rukeyser

‘A week?’ she froze.

That wasn’t what she had planned for. Then again, it wasn’t her who planned it in the first place. Rolling her eyes at the sudden, unpleasant thought, she slowly walked across the room towards the window. Her new place was clean and cold – like a cell. Staring out it abssently, she wrapped her arms around herself, feeling the unease settling in.

‘Ah, she talks! A week indeed,’ Tomás nodded invigorated in the back. ‘Well…’

He is doing that thing again; why? You exasperate me, Tomás.

‘Well, what?’

You could feel like a queen if you lost your bad thoughts, she lied to herself. A queen’s fortress this could be, the dreamworld of the individualist in me.

‘Technically, a week up to a month – or more, depending on your progress.’

‘What?’ she snapped, his arrogance infuriating her once again. ‘Do you want me to lose my mind?’

‘No, miss. That’s why you’re here, remember?’ he replied, and she could sense the sarcasm in his voice. He had a mischievous twinkle in his eyes that toyed with the smile on his lips.

‘Kara.’

‘Excuse me?’

‘It’s Kara, not miss,’ she said in one breath, loud and clear. ‘That’s my name. Surely you should know that.’

‘Ah. Kara. Got it,’ he said, amused, after a short pause.

She raised her eyebrows, consumed by curiosity – was his nonchalance part of it, or was she by chance assigned to the worst supervisor?

‘Well, Kara, at least you’re not just muttering swear words to yourself anymore,’ he quickly laughed her off. ‘It’s good to know that you’re opening up. We’ll have more chances to talk more over the next days – for now I’d be happy to know you’ve settled and you’re willing to continue the treatment.’

She puffed. Treatment was a terrible word for a vacation.

Please, let it be just like a vacation.

‘So you’re coming back, like… what, every day?’

Tomás deliberately ignored her, put his leather gloves back on and took the car keys out of his coat’s inner pocket. Time to go it was.

Oh no.

‘Tom?’ she tried, gazing at him.

He turned around on his heels.

‘Kara,’ he smiled fondly and whole-heartedly at her.

It nearly made her smile too.

‘Nothing.’

What if I don’t write anything, smartass?

‘Good. And good luck!’ he said sharply and shut the door behind him.

Ah, yes, that she would need… she pressed her forehead against the window and watched him walk to the car. It was a beautiful day, sunny but frosty cold. The sun was shining over the mountains of snow, but the snow would not melt one inch. Ah, the fine ironies of nature, she thought, all the blood draining from her face. The road was going to be bumpy on his way back, but nothing in this world beats silence. Nothing.

She sighed. Day 0. Seven more to go.

My name is Kara Koehn, and I’m here against my will, were going to be her first words on paper.They made me do it, was going to be the ending. It sounded dramatic enough to amuse her; and it was real enough to keep her heart beating loudly in her chest, while remaining isolated in the middle of nowhere.

I // Introduction to the New World

In the New World, nobody had tragic stories lingering in their minds for years. Neuroscientists had discovered a variety of methods to eliminate intrusive thoughts, whether random or recurring, and all one needed to do was ask for whichever they prefered. Some were dirty but harmless psychological tricks, while others were borderline cruel. After the days of pure modern optimism had their say, it was now the era of science, and nobody seemed to be winning momentum like those who – sometimes literally, although uncommon – changed people’s minds. Decluttering the mind and getting the butterflies in one’s belly to fly in formation, as the saying goes, was insured and, most importantly, non-stigmatized. The un-put-downable thrillers, the gore movies, the typical post-romantic feminist music albums had all been cleared from the shelves and replaced with motivational combinations of sunrises and texts. This was, of course, unnecessary, as everybody went through a mind cleansing process every few months – or, if they were exceptionally strong characters, every few years – but anything that served the new system was welcomed.

Kara wasn’t. Expelled from every social circle since she entered her teenage years, because of her constant refusal to see a specialist, she became a lonely, bitter, withdrawn miserable twenty-something often referred to as a misfit. One by one, everybody left to get better, and when they came back, they would avoid her so-called bad energies at all costs. On average, most of the people she knew had a mental cleanse once every two to five years. Of course, there were exceptions to the rule. Her mother only went to see a specialist once, and never talked about it in very broad terms. Her oldest, not-friend-any-longer, Marina, went to a clinic every six months – or so she heard.

She also heard that sometimes, they only talk to you. Other times, they operate you. She didn’t really know, and she didn’t really care either. She loathed the idea of an even remotely painful process that would expose layer after layer of one’s memories, dreams and fears, making them vulnerable, ashamed and, although nobody ever mentioned it, dreading a next time. She could never tell anybody, but she was secretly proud of herself and her bad mind. To her, it had always meant that she was bright, creative and resourceful, and she never would have traded her imaginative nature for a brain bubble bath.

People would either wonder or laugh at her, or if they were a little braver, address her the usual question Penny for your thought? when she had the overly contemplative look on her face. In time she learned to ignore them, but occassionally, on the bus ride home or in a corner shop across town, she would say something like Yeah, I’m thinking of death. She would then stand still and watch people’s faces go blue before they walked away in silence, looking over their shoulder with a frown at the girl with the bad heart. It was an easy way to amuse herself, but an equally easy way to grow more cynical, judgmental and dismissive of the world she was, liked it or not, part of.

Mysterious, ambiguous and at times defiant, Kara held on to her right to think her own thoughts for a long time. Her friends were inside her head, enitrely made-up of fragments of her imagination and living the kind of stories that would have given anyone the chills, because nobody lived great stories in the New World. She never talked, wrote or mentioned them in any way, and was never going to; but the New World wasn’t permissive of outcasts. After years and years of saying no to the system, the system decided it was time to win her case. They tracked her down, invinted her to a clinic and, one sunny winter afternoon, she was made the friendliest offer there was available for the troubled ones like her – people who went years seeming to believe they were born with some kind of super powers, and the rights to keep them.

The whole process of signing her up bored her to death. She was being forced to join the programme the following week, and while knowing that it was a lost battle, she still felt like resisting the idea to the very end.

‘You’re on every corner, why? I have indigestion far more often than depression,’ she said bluntly, fidgeting in her chair.

The old lady stopped filling in the form she was working on and looked up at Kara through her long lashes.

‘Baby girl, you mustn’t say that word again. It’s very ugly and sad, and you have no idea what it’s like to actually…’

‘What, I haven’t been around for long enough to know what sadness feels like? Of course I know what it feels like. I haven’t been given the treatment yet. But did anyone ask me anything about my right to feel my sadness?’

Her mother grabbed her hand, made into a fist.

‘Kara, please, behave baby. Miss Rosie here is only trying to help. She hasn’t created the system.’

Miss Rosie quickly glanced at them both once more, then shook her head in a disapproving manner and returned to her paperwork.

Kara turned to her mother and tilted her head to one side, begging with her big, brown eyes. It made her mother smile, but nod back in miss Rosie’s direction.

‘She is right, you know,’ she whispered. ‘You don’t know much about sadness, and you really should stop talking about it as if you do. And, to answer your question – no, you haven’t been around for long enough to understand everything. The New World is so wisely designed that it can not possibly recreate an environment that gives birth to such a feeling. Now, …’

Kara closed her eyes and pressed her lips into a flat line. She was not depressed, it was true; she just wasn’t in for all the niceties this so-called New World demanded from her. After all, what had the world done for her, other than closely monitor her every move? It was only her own world that she could rely on, and that made her oblivious to the one outside. A girl only has so much energy to give, and she had made her choice a long time ago.

‘There you go,’ miss Rosie said gently, handing them a file. ‘You must go and get better, Kara. We need to keep this beautiful world we live in just the way it is. Bad energies only do harm and we’re in for the good stuff, aren’t we baby girl?’

 

*

 

‘I don’t understand,’ she cried on the way home, her mother urging her to keep quiet. ‘How do they know I have bad thoughts, bad dreams, bad… energies, or whatever? Have I ever harmed anybody?’

Her mother clasped her hand, gently, and looked around. The other few people on the bus quickly returned to their books, phones or conversations.

‘No baby, you haven’t. I think that, for the first time ever, the world as we know it really is at its most peaceful. It can be a bad world, you know that, and they’re only trying to prevent the history repeating itself. I’m sure nobody believes that you would do any harm, but it’s always better to prevent than to…’

‘Yes, I know it can be a bad world,’ she interrupted, ‘and I can’t help wondering if I’m the only person my age who does.’

Her mother sighed.

‘Sometimes I think that history should be hidden,’ she confessed. ‘Look what it has done to you.’

Kara remembered the story she had played in her mind to sleep the night before. She wondered if, even without having had somebody like Jade Montgomery in their lives, other people somehow knew things too.

Maybe human nature can never be tamed, and maybe they can’t take it and choose to anestezie themselves. Well, I wish them well, if well is what they like. I like keeping my eyes open and looking; inwards. That’s where the real magic happens.

‘What they’re offering you is the mildest form of therapy, Kara.’

‘But I don’t need therapy, mother.’

‘Good, then,’ she smiled her sweet smile, as if all her worries were gone, but Kara knew better. ‘You go there and relax; just refresh your mind. Better safe than sorry, you know what they say.’

Ah, her mother loved sayings, didn’t she?

Better bad than safe and sorry together, she rolled her eyes once more.

‘Fine, I’ll go, but only for you. I know you’re having a difficult time explaining my behaviour to everybody you know. I’d like to take that off your mind.’

As from mine, I’m taking nothing off.

‘Oh, baby, I’m sure you’re going to come back ten times more blissful than you feel right now! It will be just like a detox, you’ll see.’

‘Only if ignorance is bliss, mother…’

‘Shut up,’ her mother urged. ‘Sometimes, ignorance is bliss. Otherwise you wouldn’t have so much to be grateful for.’

I’m not, I’m bored as hell, but who can tell that to their mothers?

 

*

 

To say that a rather cynical approach to life was Kara’s only problem would be a lie. She knew that, her mother knew that and, moments after meeting her, everybody knew that. From autism to ADHD, Kara had been diagnosed with every possible mental almost-illness since she was a toddler. In the end, they had to settle for objectivity; Kara was a mighty fine young lady who, generally speaking, didn’t give a damn about the reality of the moment. Always lost in her fantasies, she had an otherworldly look on her face all the time. She was clumsy, had troubles focusing, and often took forever to complete even the simplest task if not under strict supervision. Her parents had to accept early that she was chronically dissatisfied and stubborn as a mule, but in the New World such people were seen as threats to the social order. As time went by and they noticed little to no change, they tried to hide their daughter’s behaviour as much as they could – but it wasn’t easy, because Kara had to attend school just like every other child. Yet unlike them, she often came home frustrated because of her own inability to do the simplest thing; and it became obvious, although it stayed a family secret, of course, that Kara wasn’t slow because she was stupid, she was slow because she couldn’t be in two places at once.

Since the minute we are born, the way we are talked to become the way we learn to talk to ourselves; but some of us cross the line. Kara bulldozed down the fence. She would talk to herself all the time when she was a little girl, sometimes making her parents blush, other times making them gasp in horror. Her mind wasn’t every little girl’s mind; she had lost interest in fairytales by age six, and instead mumbled fragments of what seemed to be a deeply internalized diary full of unpleasant stories. As a teenager, she looked slightly more troubled than the rest, often complaining that real time felt like slow motion to her; like boundaries, like limitations. Later on it proved that Kara grew up to be a beautiful, yet bookish and tormented girl indeed. To say that she willingly decided to turn into a rebel would be, no doubt, false. Therefore, her family never stopped blaming it on the books her grandmother kept on the quiet in the attic.

Until her library was burned down, Jade Montgomery kept it secret from the rest of the family. Every afternoon, after school, Kara would go over for lunch and to have her grandmother, a former teacher, help her with her homework; but homework never got done at her grandmother’s house. Kara would sneak into the attic after lunch and read until late, when it was time for her to either go back home, or go to sleep. Her grandmother was the only person who understood Kara’s deliciously clever, unquiet spirit, and agreed to help her solidify her thinking with the truth, and the forbidden books – the only instruments that showed her the world in a less unilateral approach. ‘Don’t let others tell you who you are. And if you do, at least don’t believe them,’ was her grandmother’s secret advice for her. Up there, as a child, she learned about the monstruous things that the humanity took part in, and silent terror descended on her mind every night as she recalled them. Unable to sleep, she used the books she read as kindling and her imagination as the firestarter to fall in love with all the monsters inside her head night after night, making up stories that went on and on long after her grandmother and her books were no longer around. The parents of the New World never mentioned the monsters under the bed to their children, but in her Kara’s case, they would have seemed completely harmless compared to the ones living inside her.

She was grateful, but only for her grandmother who furnished her formative years with books, and for the little girl who hungrily opened her eyes to a world far from her sight. She lost her grandmother early, but she would never lose the little girl.

II // Day 0: Introduction to Maddness

On a first note, Tomás smells good, and all of this is new: the smell of oil, man cologne, hot coffee, the scenery. I have never been up in the mountains before. I have never been anywhere at all, as a matter of fact. A slight hint of regret washes over me. Have I missed out on life for being so out of tune with it? Yes, I am mad for having been sent here, but right now the world within my reach is beautiful and Tomás isn’t bad at all. Does he even like me? Other than reciting the safety regulations he hasn’t said much and hasn’t looked at me once. I know it would be unprofessional, but I am an attractive twenty-something in the back of his car after all, and I would like to be comforted about this whole thing. Maybe he only dates the happy-happy-joy-joy type, which would be unfortunate, but I couldn’t blame him. What else is there? I’ve never met anybody like me, and if I have, they’ve all been brainwaished by now. But it just so happens that, although being who he is, Tomás at least looks my type – witty, sarcastic and cynical as hell. I wouldn’t need him to say much if only he could keep that look on his face.

Tomás drove carefully through the piles of snow on the road and, around midday, finally arrived at the wooden cabin that was going to be her new home for a while.

‘What do you think?’ he asked cheerfully, finally turning to her for the first time.

Kara had her back pressed against the door, spinning the ring on her finger to exhaustion.

‘The same as Pascal – that all of humanity’s problems stem from man’s inability to sit quietly in a room alone,’ she muttered between gritted teeth.

He gazed at her, completely impassive.

‘You will be absolutely fine. I’ll make sure of that.’

His voice put a smirk on her face, but that was far from enough to change her mood.

‘If they pay you to make a show, here,’ she sat up and leaned forward in his direction, ‘take my hand, dear sir, and show me this enchanted castle that you own.’

‘I don’t own it,’ he said, embarrassed, showing her to put her hand down, ‘and if you want to… hate somebody,’ he continued carefully, as if testing the word, weighing up its nuances, its meaning, ‘hate the game, not the player. Now stop working on your unhappiness and get out of the car.’

Without another word, they climbed out of the car with bags in their hands. Moment later she watched him trying the key in the door, hurriedly and carelessly, and secretly congratulated herself for being a brave, daring girl; as she should be, if nobody tried to mess with her head.

‘You go first, princess,’ he held the door open and showed her inside.

‘Why, thank you,’ she mumbled, yet making he sure he could hear her. ‘I’m sure I’ll be happy as hell here, on my own. Actually, I take the sarcasm back –’

‘Good!’

‘I will be happy here, on my own,’ she hissed, emphasizing the last three words.

He whipped his head around, tight-lipped, at the tone of her voice but let her explore the room in her own time. Kara kept walking around in circles. The cabin consisted of an open-plan kitchen and living room, and a small bedroom with a bathroom in the back. There was a massive oakwood desk next to the window in the living room, with plenty of notebooks and pens on top. She sighed sadly. Everything looked welcoming and cosy, but she an awful feeling about being left there alone.

‘You’d better get used to it, you know –’

Ah, you again! Not so unaffected, then? Always good to know that I’m not dealing with yet another human puppet, she thought, still inspecting the old wooden furniture. I can’t wait to understand what’s with you too.

‘– you’ll be here for a whole week.’

‘A week?’ she froze.

‘Ah, she talks! A week indeed,’ Tomás nodded invigorated in the back. ‘Well…’

 

*

 

Although under Tomás’ supervision, Kara was expected to live alone in the woods for one week and write during the whole stay. The treatment would not end there, but it was the first step towards her getting better. According to the New Theories, the only lasting changes were identity-based, and therefore she was expected to develop a new system of values and beliefs and rid herself of the old ones. Before the inside-out approach could work, she had to go through the cleanse – putting everything inside her head on paper and, after dismissing it as her identity, destroying all evidence. People thought of the process as a nice symbol for a fresh start, but were always puzzled when the authorities insisted with the process being closely monitored by specialists. It’s just paper, they would say, and the doctors and supervisors would shake their heads and roll their eyes and make them go through with it as if it their written stories were the biggest threat to mankind. But people didn’t wonder much in the New World. They would do what they were told, then go home and love their families, water their plants and repeat positive affirmations to exhaustion – or, in the troubled ones’ cases, to disbelief, but this was a taboo.

Next, she was meant to see Tomás regularly for a period of 4 to 12 weeks, and present him new sets of writings. If they continued to have a negative tone, Kara would then either be sent back or asked to complete an entirely different kind of treatment; what kind, she didn’t know. Everything stayed mainly private and, although people were rarely banned from discussing their experiences, they were considered to have such respect for the system that they would keep its secrets to themselves. In reality, however, just as Kara suspected, people were ashamed of the things brought out of them during the course of a treatment, their doubts or their demons catching up with them again after some time. In a world where bad itself is a bad word, discussing personal dramas and the monsters discovered in one’s mind were embarrassing subjects. It was the kind of thing that one was damned if they didn’t do, and damned if they discussed in too much detail – like sexuality in the Old World, but then again, nobody knew much of the Old World and nobody had any desire to find out.

Kara wiped her nose on her sleeve, laying beneath crisp, clean white sheets. Strength and warmth were concepts slowly leaving her, and she hated herself for not being able to put up a fight for the first time. They told her she could be anything, so she became an independent girl – then she grew up and they made clear what the parameters were. She could barely remember what being happy and in command was like, and she suddenly couldn’t stick to anything familiar to help her feel comfortable and grounded.

Life was terrible at the edge of uncertainty. She was going to make some noise about this when she got back, in spite of the people, the system and the gods. People deserved to know what they were in for. False hope destroys quicker than despair. Nobody ever told her how this went, and now she didn’t even know if Tomás was going to be back until the end of the week. Much as she disliked the New World, it was still the only world she knew outside of herself and she liked the comfort of having something to go back to. She loved her family, hard, and she also liked another thing or two out there – summer, sun, sea, holidays, nostalgia, tanned skin, sex, jet skis, hedonism, to name a few. By taking her away and not disclosing anything about what her week in the woods was going to be like, they snatched her breadcrumb trail. Now she only wanted to shut the silence inside her head, and make it stay.

 

But she was going to write starting the next day, if that was what they wanted, and then go back home to write some more – about her experience, about Tomás, about what writing feels like when you don’t even want to talk. She once found a page ripped from some old newspaper from the Old World in between her grandmother’s books, and she read the article hungrily. It was an interview with an author, and even after all those years she could still remember bits of it: Enigmatic writer whose dark, unsettling stories drag the past out into the light and create powerful visual images in the minds of the audience; A good story acts as a Trojan horse. The act of telling it is almost like giving a gift to an audience, and they do not even realize that you have packed it full of messages and values until they are already hooked and hanging on your every pause, waiting to hear what happens; and If you are lucky enough not to experience too much conflict on a day-to-day basis, or if you are in an environment where warmth expressions are viewed with suspicion, telling a story is a way to show your audience that you have both in you. Kara closed her eyes. She could do all that. The only never she never could was ask anyone why her grandmother kept that article, but then she could never ask about her grandfather without her family making faces. She simply assumed that the New World got rid of all the misfits before the new ones were born with rage, boredom – rage spread thin, what else? – and stories flowing freely and wildly through their veins. Thanking the old man for passing on good genes, she got up and took one last sip of her after-dinner coffee. It was time to go get a breath of fresh air.

For hours, she didn’t dare check the door in case it was locked. What would have been the point in locking her door when mountains, rocks and snows surrounded her she didn’t know, but she was afraid. As she finally stepped into the cold night air and looked up the house, she became aware of how quiet the world, the real world was. It wasn’t a place for her. On the other side there were new feet, and she would go there, crawl there if need be, for the rest of her days.

Sat parked in front of the house was Tomás, watching her closely. Kara blushed when she saw him, but quickly made up her mind to go to him. Intimidating as he seemed, Tomás was nothing more than one of them after all, and Kara knew how to handle them. As she got closer to the car, she could distinguish his silhouette through the fogged up window. She smiled, waved and, finally, put a big grin on her face and waited for him to open the door for her to climb inside; instead, he waited for her.

What is it with you, Tomás?

‘It is the professional way to deal with patients outside of normal working hours,’ he said to her, back inside. ‘I was here to observe and take notes; if you were going to come to me because you needed something, I was going to let you do it yourself.’

Despite his serious tone, Kara sensed sarcasm and playfulness, but decided against mentioning it. It was too early for familiarities.

‘Observe… whether or not I’d be tempted to go off wandering?’

‘You wrote anything today, then?’ he changed the subject.

She grabbed an orange from his bag, thanking him with her eyes for bringing something good to eat.

‘I didn’t know I was supposed to. Today doesn’t even count as part of the… treatment, does it?’

‘No, of course not. I was simply curious to know whom I’m dealing with before… well, before finding out eventually, I suppose.’

‘Well, here I am,’ she said, loud and clear. ‘I don’t need to write to tell you who I am; or for you to tell who I am.’

Tomás smiled condescendingly.

‘Listen, miss… Kara, we are not where we are now for me to get to know you better. My job is to –’

‘Bring me oranges to pass the time and persuade me to be your after midnight writer, indeed.’ she smiled sweetly. ‘You have to admit, this whole thing has a certain romantic element to it.’

Ah, so what if it’s too early, he’s making me do it.

Tomás stood up, visibly uncomfortable with her attitude.

No, wait!

‘You know, Kara,’ he said under his breath, ‘believe it or not, I have monsters inside my head too; sometimes they sound just like you.’

‘You have… what do you mean monsters like me?’ she snapped, taken by surprise, in a high-pitched voice.

‘Too daring. Annoyingly so.’

Whoa.

‘Is intimidating me part of your job?’ she asked, narrowing her eyes but not taking them off of him. ‘How do you know what’s in my head?’

‘Sometimes,’ he replied, and a subtle smile, less condescending this time, formed on his lips. ‘To answer your second question, for start, you are here,’ he laughed, but then quickly took back his professional posture and straightened his coat. ‘These are all matters I can’t discuss with you. I hope you enjoy the food, and find the time and the inspiration to write tomorrow.’

She let her legs hang loosely from the kitchen counter she was sitting on, disappointed with his reaction. Nobody discussed anything important in the New World, not even her supervisor.

‘But I don’t want to talk to you, or anyone else for that matter, about myself,’ she almost whispered, ‘Not yet. I want to understand what’s going on before I choose to pour myself on paper.’

Tomás scratched his head, nervously. He looked like he had a lot on his mind, but was torn between being open to her and playing his role. He turned around and came closer, if not too close. Out of the blue, a genuine smile formed on her lips this time, slightly throwing him off.

‘I believe that you don’t understand the essential, and the essential here, Kara, is that you don’t get to choose whether or not you should write – not talk – about yourself. We chose that for you when we brought you here. And, on a more personal note, I would suggest you do it because you do not wish to be taken anywhere else from here,’ he said, whispering the last words.

And with that, he shut the door behind him; and her blood turned cold.

III // Day 1: Testing the Waters

Kara sat on the porch puffing on a cigarette, thinking about how her mind really seemed nothing more to these people than fodder for today’s banal bar chats or made-up stories for strangers to read. She had always a very private person. There was never any other way in the New World, because nobody would have taken her side. All her fantasies lived within, and while they might have been a shapechanger in more than one way, she never wanted to spill them out. She had always been the way she was then, but lonely is so very different from alone. Kara started to rethink her definition of strength; was she strong enough to be not just lonely, but also alone? She smiled to herself – the treatment was supposed to make her think about her role in the society, rather than ignite her proud sentiments about being a misfit.

It was another bright, icy cold day up in the mountains. Wrapped up in her new check wool blanket, she buried the cigarette butt in the snow and took another sip of the hot black coffee. Beautiful as it seemed, the weather was deceiving; just like her. It was time to face facts and fears, sit down at the big wooden desk and write, as going for a walk got ruled out pretty quickly.

 

Conquering demons, depression and nights away from home

Life is beautiful and vivid and wild and I live it with passion; but not the kind of passion you expect to see. Not out loud, in the open. I learned early that there is a better way, more intimate, more intense, more wild than the wilderness others find in the everyday. It takes fractions of seconds to send shivers down my spine, to make me curl up in a ball, to feel whole like your World can never make me feel (especially when you put me here).

My tunnel has billions of candle lanterns and string lightning, yours don’t even have illusion of big shining lights at the ends. Your tunnels are the illusions. You are out there, in the open field, under the sun and stars. That’s why you don’t see them. I have made them up, even in the darkest of places. There is human time and there is wild time, and I’m taking my time to be wild; away from you.

Safer than houses is how I find my own self to be, and it is deliciously satisfying to know that perhaps I am a prime example of one of those lucky souls; the ‘whole package’ kind. I wonder if there are others. I crave company, but my kind of company. Your World is a merry-go-round of dolls. I want poetry, danger, sin and a touch of unbleached, detoxed, whiter-than-white truth.

I wish that what you call monsters were real people. I wish I could meet them, hang out with them, marry them. I wish that you, who have no right over me, would let them exist if only in my head. Not even on paper. I have no desire to share my inner world with you just because you can’t let go of the need to know, every second of the day, and let your own minds wander around in the dark for a bit. You are looking for secrets because you can’t believe your own minds. I am not crazy. Crazy isn’t a status; crazy is you and me amplified.

Do you find me odd, unusual, lab experiment for your greedy eyes and helping hands? Good. Leave wild things alone, because they are only beautiful in the way forest fires are beautiful – something to be admired from a distance, not up close. The world is your playground. Imagination is mine.

Will never be yours.

Yours, truly

 

Kara looked at the piece of paper in disgust. It looked like a horribly written draft, and it had nothing to do with the reason she was there. She knew very well why she was there, but what she couldn’t tell was how others knew.

 

Perhaps I like stories where one rescues the other too much. Playing on both fragility and strength has always been my thing. I am not one, but both. The saviour and the damned, the hero and the damsel in distress. I am both the vulnerable, big-eyed girl, and the monster that saves her after trying to eat her. I am the cat and the mouse, the dragon and the ashes left beneath his sometimes-too-daring flames. I am intensity and passivity all at once. I am two sides of the same coin, two magnetic poles, two people who don’t understand each other through words but whose hearts beat to the same rhythm in the end. Only they don’t know. Only I don’t know it either most of the time. I am good, bad, and rarely in between. I say less than I think, I create less than my mind gives me and I’m trying to find God everywhere, even thought I am Him all along; and the lost sheep, and the very definition of contrast.

 

She opened the drawer and decided to forget about her first attempts at writing about herself. This wasn’t good, it was raw writing, words not filtered through her mind. Perhaps this was what they needed, perhaps they would interpret everything the wrong way. She was going to do better the next day, but for now she would focus on something else such as making food or counting the mountain peaks she could see from every window around the house. She would write when she could, after all there was still time. Maybe she could pull something off on the seventh day and then go home, having fooled demanding Tomás and having kept her mind unaltered, she thought. Then she stopped thinking about it.

 

*

 

A short knock on the door woke her up; she had been asleep on the couch for hours as there was nothing to do. She put the blanket around her shoulders and dragged her feet to the door to open it, yawning and sleepily rubbing her eyes. Standing at the door, Tomás looked happy if not amused and offered her his first wide grin before coming inside

‘Is this how you write?’ he shouted from the kitchen, but thankfully didn’t sound angry or threatening.

‘Not today,’ she said, recovering her strength and walking in.

‘And why is that?’

‘Because anything I’d write today would be related to my confusion about being here.’

Bowls filled with fresh food were all over the kitchen countertops, Tomás looking more concerned about what to cook than her confusion.

‘Ok, you win, if that’s what it takes to make you write. You want to talk, we can talk over dinner. For now, will you help me here?’

‘Sure,’ she mumbled, surprised, nearly tripping on her blanket’s ends and falling over.

‘Hold this, then, and be careful there,’ he said, focused, stretching out his left arm and handing her a kitchen knife.

She looked at him, her eyebrows in disbelief.

‘What is it, Kara? Have you never chopped off peppers before? You start by cutting off sections – here,’ he laughed, and gestured her to take the knife.

She held on tightly to the upper ends of her blanket and kept staring at him.

‘Tomás, I’m here… well, pretty much against my will.’

‘That’s right, it is a very entertaining thought indeed,’ he laughed, offering her the knife once more and bringing out the same reaction. ‘Kara, come on, what is it with this knife that you won’t take it?’

‘I… I don’t want you to report me.’

‘Report you for what?!’

‘For trying to hurt you, even though of course I wouldn’t…’ she whispered.

Tomás froze, instantly letting his arm fall loose to his side.

‘Did you say that on purpose?’

‘What? No, I… Oh.’

Kara suddenly woke up for good.

In her sleepiness, she let her mouth do the talking, saying things she never should have said out loud. Her family was used to her being weird like that, occasionally letting out a bad thought, but always warned her against saying such things among others. Whenever she talked about harming people, death or such matters, people would turn away from her. How could she be so stupid and unguarded around Tomás, the one and only person meant to actually watch and take notes of her actions? She let herself fall to the floor, in horror. Who know where she would end up send next, and all because of her bad mouth.

‘Stand up, Kara,’ he said, and she complied, but didn’t dare to look him in the eyes. ‘Seriously, you said that on purpose? How did it even cross your…’

Kara got so good in time at reading’s people’s voices and nuances, that his sudden pause challenged her to look up to him… and there it was, a trace of a smile on his lips – and eyes! – that changed quickly into his usual mask of seriousness when he noticed her shock.

Could she play this card? Could she talk to him, or should she apologise and start chopping peppers?

But there went her bad mouth all over again.

‘Why are you smiling, Tomás?’ she asked, her voice betraying her own amusement and joy at finding him not so intimidating after all. ‘I said an awful thing by mistake,’ she continued, just in case the situation also needed to be saved, ‘and I have no idea how it crossed my mind.’

There we go. Awkward silence starting in…

‘Kara,’ he said, biting his lip to think about what to say next – or keep his laughter to himself? – ‘I’d like you to take this knife and…’ he stopped to bite his lip again, ‘start… hurting, the peppers.’

‘How could anybody hurt… something?’ she asked, taking the knife and feigning innocence.

This could be her ticket out, or her ticket to win him over.

‘Don’t push it!’ he warned and, grabbing another knife, let out a quick, short, wholehearted laughter, as if to say he was relieved.

 

*

 

Later, in the comfort and safety of her bed, Kara tried the things she learned from Tomás that night to see how they feel. Tomás spoke with confidence the whole time, and rarely looked her in the eye.

What really affected her was his reaction to her writings from that day. He knew how to find the piece of paper in the drawer and analysed it quickly, perhaps too quickly. After seeming very concerned about her mentioning a lab, he shrugged it off and went back to something alone the lines of This is nonsense, Kara. This isn’t what we need from you. He was clever and knew that she wasn’t putting her heart into it. She closed her eyes, almost tasting the pain of having to give away her secret world. We need you upside down, dripping out every story from that clever little brain of yours. We need you to let go of all your fantasies, scenarios, made-up worlds and people and stories. You need to release them, and free yourself. This is the only way… out of here. He was stubborn though; he wouldn’t tell her how he’d know when she was done. Are you going to come to collect them every night? she asked him, and all he said was That is up to me. You just focus on writing. As for the big why, there wasn’t any clearer answer than what she already knew. This is how we do it didn’t do it for her, and his conformism discouraged her once again.

Swallowing hard, she let her mind drift and take her to the other side. She dreamt of all the many things she would never dare to talk about, let alone write. Half, because she was afraid of losing herself, and the other half – because she was too ashamed of showing herself.

IV // Day 2: Truth Is a Colour a Texture a Noise a Feel

When she opened her eyes, chills ran up and down Kara’s entire body. Tomás was in the far corner of the room; she had let himself in while she was asleep, and was reading her new set of writings. She could tell from the look on his face that he wasn’t happy with them, but in a different way than the evening before. She didn’t dare to move yet. It had been a long day and the last thing she wanted to deal with was him, angry with her for doing what she was told. She wrote, hard. She wrote despite her fear and in spite of it, of things that were too difficult to even put into words. Her truth wasn’t always a set of characteristics, specific to a story a place a person; her truth was all over the place, messy and chaotic and raw but finally real. Curled up on the couch under the big wool blanket, she put her hands tightly over her mouth and her face between her knees, to contain a yawn.

‘Wake up,’ she heard his voice from somewhere out there, and slowly opened her eyes again.

She had nearly fallen back asleep, but Tomás heard her moving and took a minute to think of how to speak to her. He was sitting on the rug in front of her, holding her papers tightly near to him. He looked angry, and she knew it was going to be a difficult conversation.

She knew it since she woke up that morning, determined to write.

‘Hi,’ she whispered. ‘What happened?’

‘I knocked. You were sleeping, so I had to use my key and found these on your table. What are these, Kara?’

She blushed. Still after writing so much, she felt so deeply embarrassed by her bad thoughts. It was easy when she got to keep them to herself, and hard when she had to discuss them with him.

‘Just… stupid things that happen to go through my mind ever now and then,’ she lied.

These are my bad friends, who have kept me sane throughout the years in your stupid world of rainbows and butterflies.

He put his forehead on his fingertips and sighed out slowly, looking up at her.

‘I thought people don’t get so easily angry in the New World,’ she tried.

‘The New World… What do you know about the Old World? This is not the New World, this is the only world. People are people. Now, when I asked you to spill everything you’ve got out on paper this wasn’t what I expected to find from… a girl like you.’

She stood up, her sleepiness long worn off.

‘You seem lovely, but are anything but,’ he hissed. ‘You’re trouble, Kara. This is going to be a long… week,’ he said, putting his hands on his knees and nervously running them up his thighs. ‘Tell me, do you have a thing for the Stockholm syndrome? I noticed a pattern.’

Perhaps I like stories where one rescues the other too much. Playing on both fragility and strength has always been my thing. I am not one, but both.

‘Yes,’ she whispered through her teeth.

He closed his eyes in despair. She felt bad for him and for putting him through this for the first time.

‘Who would you want to be, then? The victim or the…’

‘Please,’ she interrupted. ‘I do not wish to discuss my stories.’

‘You do not wish to discuss your stories? Kara, you wrote the story of a rapist who falls for his victim – and you made her fall in love with him? That, Kara, is sick. You are sick in the head.’

‘It doesn’t go like that.’

‘Because they bond over a fire, smoking cigarettes and discussing his troubled adolescence?’

‘Read it all,’ she snapped. ‘You can not dismiss my characters like that. I don’t know how successful I was at creating them on paper, but I can tell you how real they are up here. Anything you want to know about them I…’

‘Shut up!’ he shouted. ‘You can not keep them alive anymore.’

She blinked.

‘They are not alive, Tomás. They are products of my imagination. They are only alive for my own entertainment.’

He narrowed his eyes at her, not telling anything but telling oh so much.

‘Tell me this story,’ he claimed. ‘I want to hear how low you can go.’

Kara sat down on the floor next to him, her back against the couch.

‘His name is this, but they call him that. When he was 11…’

Kara kept her eyes shut the whole time, expecting him to run away any minute. Telling him the story was also a test. She wanted to see how low he could go. After all, it was nothing more but an out of proportion metaphor about strength and warmth, and it just happened grew with her just like all the others. Well, kind of just happened, but the world was so terribly boring… But he stayed strong and, when she finished, she thought she could see the trace of a smile behind his worried look. She nearly didn’t believe herself – until she saw him, instead of running, licking his lips.

V // Day 3: They Live Inside Us, and Sometimes, They Win

It was barely dawn when Kara woke up and looked around, looked closely, looked deeply and started to imagine what she wanted to see – a floor, a sky, four white walls closing in – and what she might do with her time. But out of all days, on this day her thoughts didn’t race around at the speed of light. On this day, for some reason, it was just blank upstairs. She laughed to herself. She knew the reason; of course she knew the reason.

She also knew she wouldn’t write that day; not until late, anyway. She needed to clear her mind and take a walk, finally explore the area. She went to the kitchen, made tea, stared out the window and thought of what she would write next, but after Tomás’ reaction last night she was scared to write anymore. Soon after breakfast she wrapped herself up warm, put on her grandmother’s gloves, grabbed the keys and shut the door behind her.

It was a bright, glorious day; not one cloud in the sky, the cold seeping into her bones. Always look behind not to get lost, she started climbing up the only road there was. She wanted to know if there were others; if there was anything at all out there. Reaching the top of the hill, she smiled. For the first time in a long time, when she braved a glance to the horizon, the coast was actually clear. Or maybe she was just kidding herself. She put her bag on top of an iced rock and took a cigarette out of her pocket, and lit it up. It was serene, tranquil, and beautiful. It was frightening, too, but the good kind. She felt alive in the world, and it wasn’t that bad at all.

She was going to keep writing when she returned, not so much because it felt good indeed but rather because Tomás intrigued her and she wanted to see more of him. After all, she already had everything inside her, and he was a professional. Whatever she gave him to read stayed between the two of them, or so the protocol said.

A young girl’s voice came up to her from somewhere in the distance. She sounded happy and excited, and Kara found her quickly. She wasn’t very far, and she was pointing at her. There was a small man, but he looked quiet, oddly incurious. Finishing her cigarette, Kara ran downhill to meet the two. As she got closer, the other girl looked even friendlier – a brown-haired beauty with rosy cheeks and perfect teeth, wearing a long, warm brown coat. The man, Kara realised, was very old. He walked slowly, but looked healthy and strong otherwise.

‘Hi, I’m Kara,’ she shyly introduced herself. ‘I’m here with the… programme.’

‘Cassandra,’ the other girl said happily, and before she could tell Kara was given a big warm hug.

It was a lovely feeling after the last couple of days.

‘This is my great-grandfather.’

‘Hello,’ Kara smiled.

‘Are you cold, darling girl?’ the old man asked warmly holding her hand, pointing back at their house – also, it seemed, in the middle of nowhere.

Kara shook her head; she was fine.

As if reading her mind, Cassandra continued:

‘The village is back there, we’re just a little… out of it,’ she giggled. ‘But you should definitely come visit! How long are you staying for?’

Kara immediately understood that she wasn’t the first person the two had met that was there with the programme.

‘Just one week, hopefully.’

‘Plenty of time, then,’ Cassandra smiled.

She had a very reassuring, genuine smile.

‘Come with me to the village’s bar tomorrow tonight, what do you say?’

‘Sure,’ Kara said eagerly, ‘All they want me doing in stay inside and write, and I haven’t got that much to say to them,’ she hissed.

‘Ah, those bastards,’ the old man laughed shaking his head to the ground, then looked up at the mountains. ‘This has been going on for too long, bringing people out here in the cold and leaving them alone with their thoughts; of course they make up stories, what else is somebody going to do up here? Man in by nature a social animal.’

Kara nodded along to his words, slightly absent-mindly.

‘You know,’ the old man continued, ‘they bring people from all over the country to our village to make them write down their stories. I always wondered, what is the point of that?’

‘But the irony is,’ Cassandra added, ‘that us living here, we don’t believe in their nonsense.’

‘You don’t?’ Kara asked, surprised. ‘So you have never…’

‘Oh, yes, of course,’ she smiled, ‘but they let me go so very soon. I didn’t have much to tell them – frankly, I just live here with my family, and it’s a quiet, simple life. I haven’t got much trouble on my mind,’ she made a funny gesture with her hand.

Kara smiled sympathetically. She liked Cassandra’s sweet nature.

‘Why here, from all the places?’

‘Who knows,’ the old man puffed. ‘We even made up a legend, and they let us get away with it. We say that up here people rid themselves of bad energies, and they go to die up in the forests. If people did it in cities, the bad energies would give birth to chaos again.’

Kara looked at him, attentively.

‘That’s a very interesting story,’ she said.

‘Darling girl,’ the old man said kindly, ‘who’s to say that stories must be trusted to be true? They are only stories; they can’t escape one’s mind.’

Kara looked around, restless. She was the queen of stories after all. She knew perfectly well the degree to which stories could end up controlling one’s mind, personality and life in the end. In that sense, stories were as real as the three of them were.

 

*

 

That long, endless afternoon, Kara told the papers the story of S. She had an affinity for him; she made him up, and she made herself up in the story; of course, but if they wanted to hear it… When she finished, she looked at the paper and sighed heavily. So be it, this is my right – and obligation, it seems – to tell the story of my mind just as it is. The real reason behind her newfound eagerness was, of course, challenging Tomás, but that could stay on the inside.

 

His name was S. Was, and sometimes I’m not sure it even was at all. This is the story I thought I’d never tell. It’s also my favourite story of all. There are nights when I’m still burning with passion for all the things we did and all the more we could have done. These nights I don’t sleep at all. I toss and turn in my bed for hours, ardent and wanting and alive like I’ve only been since I met him and until everyday life happened and took him forever away from me (but more on this later, because strangely this is the part of the story I accept the easiest) Other nights I sleep well, and I wake up laughing at all the others when I don’t. ‘What am I losing sleep over,’ I wonder as I stretch and think of hot coffee and outfits of the day, ‘stories with ghosts? Grow up, will ya,’ I tell myself and get up quickly, careful not to start questioning us again, doubting myself again, and generally thinking of all things that will never, ever happen again. The truth is that this story should be buried six feet under with me at the end of what I hope it will be my long and beautiful life, but day after day the same thought hits me — that can life never be as beautiful again. ‘There is blood singing in your veins, yearning life and wilderness and new hearts to be tamed. You can do so much more, you can be all that you want. Leave the ghosts where they belong — in your overactive, stubborn, chaotic mind, and move on from the stories you knitted with theirs; they aren’t part of your story, they aren’t part of anything. They aren’t — and that’s that,’ I try to convince myself as I brush my teeth, roll my stockings up, put on some pretty flowery skirt and head out for yet another day in the land of make believe. It’s funny they call it that, when S was the only one who ever truly, deeply believed in me and he wasn’t even from around here; or around here. I shake my head to shake off my sadness. How did our paths ever cross, and how can I be so sure they ever did? I am not. I have never been, but those new feelings must have come from somewhere. When and where are questions that I am unlikely to ever answer; but the what is so clear to me that every night when I lie myself to sleep and every morning when I laugh at my split personality can’t make up for half the truth I know in my heart.

He is as real as it gets to me, and this certitude warms up my entire body. He lives boldly and vividly in my world. Ah, the devil’s in the details; of course he does, because my world is inside of me. Has it all been only in my mind this entire time? But what time? Is it now? Is it then? Is it never? Is it important? What is the point of something if you don’t let it change you? — and this has changed me more than anything that could have happened. I have fallen in love with the imagination. And if you fall in love with the imagination, you understand that it is a free spirit. It will go anywhere, and it can do anything.

My steering wheel has his fingerprints, and I know it’s because he never really left. He’s trapped in my world and he thinks I’m the universe. Ah, I like being somebody’s everything when I have never been enough for myself. He told me that I am everything and I only nodded, knowing that to him I am a planet but to myself I am a particle of dust in the galaxy, carried places by much stronger winds. There have never been any others sinking down to such depths to be dancing with all my demons. The demons, God damn the demons, spoon-fed with my fears and instead of silenced their screams burn through my veins and echo in my heart. I know, I’m such a cliché. Isn’t this ordinary life? And yes, I too want to be happy, of course. Because what else is there to be?

If you want to know about my life, know that it hasn’t always been this mundane background with a splash of surreal. I have big dreams and not enough ambition, big questions and never any answers. I see sweetness in solitude, but I believe in having a soft landing below me if I ever fall, and it has names and faces and unbreakable bonds that make me smile through all the tears. Some stand out more than others, but in the end it’s my safety net, my security blanket, my heart and what I thought to be my life: a bright, young thing, trying a bit too hard to inject happiness into her veins, finding warmth in the road ahead and going on short bursts of adventures to pacify her wanderlust.

I was that, and probably little more, until S happened. And he happened for long days and torrid nights, and it felt like a little lifetime, so different from all I’ve ever experienced that I’m still wondering if I’ve ever experienced it at all. Every memory of him that I cling on to for dear life knocks on my every door, window and crack in the wall, begging me to play it first; and I let go of myself and the world around me, and stop time to get lost in the sweet, secret feelings. Stains on my heart, stains on humanity’s emotional evolution, stains on the world’s history, all the ways in which S affected me are things unheard of. I know of many great love-and-lost stories, but never have I heard of such enigmatic, wild forces that come and go so quickly, changing one’s life forever yet leaving them to ponder on their very existence. Those memories are all I have now and this is supposed to be the end of the story, but strangely, it is only the beginning. I need to do this, I’ll always need to, much as it hurts thinking about it, because those memories make the familiar calm come back to me in the way I know that S will never do.

I write this knowing fully well that what’s been is long gone now, and I need to drain my sadness out through ink and tears and get out of this loop. And I tried and tried to think about the world around me and the problems students have to face and the lovely lady at the corner shop who’s been running her small business for forty years now but I always, always come back to writing about him. I don’t know anything else, and I probably never will, and this is another thing I need to be ok with. I will never, ever find anything that I can connect to on a level so deep that it makes everything pulsate, as if connected to my own veins. S made life vibrant and I experienced the state of being fully alive and aware of my surroundings, of myself, of somebody else to a point it’s painful to go to, even in my head. I can almost feel the hands that can awaken all possibilities and arouse all my senses, imagination, and insecurities. I reset my mind, body, soul through him. When you feel and experience something with so much depth, everything is intensified. In my mind, I’m always going back to raw days, marvels, heightened senses, delicious ambiguity. To wherever the wind blows through our hair and intertwined fingers. S taught me about the analysis paralysis, about how seeing the good in people makes them believe it too and choose to be the good that you see in them, about never-ending adventures and the power of a strong soul.

Imagine a world where the character falls in love with the reader, where you don’t chase your dreams, but — plot twist — your dreams chase you, where books are written about silence and the things people only say with their eyes, their hearts and their vibration, and you’ve imagined the place where he comes from. The place where I think I come from, because it’s clearly not the New World of happiness and rainbows and butterflies. It’s different; it’s difficult to put it into better words. I want to follow this strange, wild creature down to the very depths of my imagination, all the way to where the magic happens — and it happens, I don’t know how I know it but I do, because I’ve never been all the way there yet but somehow I know exactly how it feels — but I’m paralysed by fear. I know its roots, I know where it comes from, and I know what it’s trying to say though. I know, because it’s the same fear we all face after all. I can almost see its rolling eyes and shaking head, hear the you-should-bes and the why-can’t-yous, and ah, the whatifs. What if my rich, vivid so-called memories are just a trick of the mind, if nothing really exists outside the edge of this New World, if the feelings I remember so well from the moments I felt most alive in are nothing but products of my foolish imagination? What if everything I think I remember is just a reminiscence of my mind wanderings to strange, forbidden places? What if S wasn’t real? What if S is real, but I never got even this far down and I’m only crazy? What if I can imagine things that exist somewhere else that I never got to? What if they don’t exist at all? The only testimony that I have are the changes my inner world went through — what if it went alone, with no man called S guiding it with warm hands and soft-spoken words?

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m making him up. I can’t tell reality from fiction. I wake up to new senses, I daydream of new adventures, I close my eyes and I live wildly and I open them and my soul collapses and I gain new experiences when I blink, and this world doesn’t live up to what my subconscious can do, but what if that’s all S ever was — if he ever was anything at all? But then there are his face, his voice, and all the things we did together than make me smile and blush and feel like I’ve already lived a life I’m proud of, and they are as clear as day to me. I just can’t remember what days they happened… 

 

She jumped from her chair and went to the other room to get dressed for going out. Her mind was boiling hot and she was on the verge of crying; it was like she had just undergone the most difficult operation of all, and had lived. But her condition was unstable. It was the first time she accepted that she could never fight the demons in her mind, for they were as much badland as they were her very essence. She was made out of all the bad she could imagine and she was, by every definition, the girl the bad mind and the bad heart.

VI // You Are Not Bad, Kara

After walking in the dark in what was a mild version of a snowstorm, Kara couldn’t be happier in Cassandra’s house. The old man was asleep, and the girls talked animatedly for a little while before getting ready to leave. The bar was about twenty minutes away, and when she shut its door behind them, Kara sighed a sigh of relief. It was a ridiculously cosy place for a bar, with coloured globes lighting up the whole wooden room. Warmth, music and human voices washed all over her, all things she had too much of in the past and crazily craved for now. Whoever she was, they didn’t know and she would stay a misfit in her heart only for one night.

‘Come,’ Cassandra smiled, reaching for her hand and guiding her to the bar. ‘Let’s get something to drink.’

Kara ordered a beer and never felt happier to get one in her life. Sipping slowly, she looked around to get familiar with the scene. There were more men than women, chattering and laughing all around. She secretly wondered how many of them were just like her; probably no one. They must have all been born and lived their whole lives in the remote village, maybe some even without going through ridiculous treatments. Her mind went to Tomás who was probably back at the cabin reading her awful thoughts, and guilt, shame and nausea all came to her at once. Facing him the next day was going be the hardest thing.

‘Kara!’ Cassandra snapped. ‘Come, let me introduce you to my friends – tell me when you want another one,’ she smiled sweetly, eyeing her beer.

Kara noticed that half of it was already gone.

When did that happen?

 

Later that night, Kara went to the bar for yet another refill when she sensed a familiar smell. Before she knew it, Tomás’ arm snaked around her shoulders and pulled her close, if not too close again, to him. He was wearing a navy blue and black pinstriped shirt, his breath stank of alcohol and his eyes were alight with joy.

‘There you were,’ he said loudly but cheerfully. ‘You could have said you wanted to go out. You are my responsibility, you can’t just sneak out on me like that.’

He was very talkative, and Kara knew it was only because he was already drunk. Of course, otherwise he would’ve been furious.

‘If I want to go out,’ she shouted to make herself heard over the music, ‘and tell you, will you take me?’

‘Yeah, yeah, whatever,’ he put his fingers on her lips as a gesture to shut up. ‘Let’s talk about that tomorrow. Now that you’re here anyway, would you like something to drink?’

‘Are you allowed to buy me drinks, T?’ she grinned.

‘Don’t push it,’ he laughed. ‘It’s just tonight, and I’ll say you escaped. It happens all the time, they won’t be too harsh.’

‘What, with other patients?’ she laughed, and handed her glass to the bartender.

‘No, I mean at the lab.’

‘What lab?’

He blinked twice, hard, as if he didn’t know what she meant.

‘What do you mean what lab? Kara, another beer? Really?’

‘No, what lab, really?’

‘I thought you… when you wrote… ah, forget about it, we have our things,’ he laughed.

Kara wouldn’t let go; she was a little drunk too, but not enough to forget about it.

‘Who are you with, anyway?’ he asked.

She carefully got closer, but he didn’t seem to mind. Curious man, Tomás.

‘It’s too loud in here,’ she said, ‘and too hot. Let’s go outside for a cigarette.’

‘Sure,’ he smiled, grabbed their drinks and she went for her coat.

 

After briefly filling him in on her new friendship with Cassandra and watching him nodding along while watching her lips move as she spoke, Kara lit up their cigarettes and took a deep breath. The cold night air was, three hours of socialising in the dark later, refreshing and invigorating. She waited and waited for him to say something about her newer writings, but felt vaguely disappointed by his lack of interest. He didn’t seem to have any thoughts on the matter.

‘You went to see me tonight?’ she tried.

‘Not you, your stuff. And yes, I did.’

All of a sudden he grabbed her elbow and squeezed tightly, but reassuringly. He was clearly drunk, but Kara could tell he had that troubled look on his face again. He wanted to tell her things that he was not allowed to.

‘I never went through this, Kara’ he confessed.

It hit her hard, the realisation that he was like her in some way.

‘I don’t know how it feels to have your thoughts forced out of you; but then again, I was smart enough to keep my mouth shut and keep them to myself,’ he frowned, as if recalling an unpleasant memory. ‘What you wrote there, again… I mean, Jesus. You can’t create like that. You can’t make things up like that. You haven’t defined him. To you he is just a breeze, but what if he’s insane, what if he’s worse?The effects these… thoughts could have if nobody regulated them…’

‘Worse?’

‘Whatever. What do you know… which is why you’re here,’ he sighed.

She thought about what would the best question to start with be, given that she didn’t have much time until her cigarette burned out and he would complain about the cold. He hadn’t taken his coat and was already shaking. Most questions would have to wait until much later then, for sure.

‘What about yours? How about nobody wants to regulate yours?’ was what she managed to come up with, although what she was really dying to know was whether he had similar ones.

‘Ah, I’m sure they would love to,’ he laughed, ‘but the things is that nobody knows which ones belong to whom. Wild guesses rarely work, and nobody takes the time for that. Someone must have reported you. And they don’t care about me, because I am honest, and I make things happen. Surely nobody thinks I ever think bad things.’

Which ones belong to whom?

‘Forget it, I told you. I can’t.’

Disconcerted, she was now the one wanting to break the cycle.

‘Are my thoughts that important to you? Is that all you see me as, a sum of thoughts? Am I nothing else but that?’

‘You are not bad, Kara,’ he whispered, as if reading her mind.

That was the only thing she wanted to find out. The rest could wait. Smiling shyly, she went back inside followed closely by him.

 

It didn’t take long until, between smiles, nods, and getting closer and closer to hear each other over the music, her arms tightened around his neck. But as his mouth got closer to hers, his arms remained only loosely around her waist. He had doubts about making out with a patient, surely. Kara too knew that they weren’t supposed to, but Tomás smelled of alcohol, cologne and Tomás, and she loved it.

When she kissed him, life, real life in the New World finally was the same shade it was when she read about adventures, bliss and sleepless nights in strangers’ arms from grandmother Jade’s books. Other boys never really got to her, but this time it was different. Maybe because Tomás read through her – literally – and didn’t hate her, she felt accepted and could finally accept herself too. Whatever it was, he was closer to her in many ways than people she had known since forever and for that, she wanted to pull him closer, closer, always closer. That night with Tomás felt new, and strange and beautiful. For the first time, Kara wanted to give up on her stories and embark on one of her own. Without saying much he managed to crawl inside her mind and make her imagination run wild, not to other worlds but to the very New World she despised, and found herself suddenly in love with.

Tomás’ heart beat faster and faster too, but he knew better. There were things Kara didn’t know of and would have scared the life out of her. People of the New World were born to live a lie, and the kind of truths she asked for were better off hidden from their fragility. He could live both, because he liked the lie and could take the truth, but she seemed inconstant and capricious, and a lunatic too. Much as he was happy to find someone real, he felt bad about encouraging her. It would have been against the protocol, the world as it was finally shaped, and everything he knew. Like Kara, Tomás didn’t know anyone else who was, by all the New World’s definitions, crazy. Even the lab workers were balanced and happy to go through the treatments. She was something else, like him, and it was hard to see a good thing when you across it for the first time, blinded by the lights.

Because, like Kara, Tomás could never accept his own bad mind, and the acceptance he got from others was part of the lie.

‘You’re a maddening girl, Kara, in every way, and not every is good. I like my world almost perfect, and girls like you risk making it very imperfect all over again. Come, let’s take you home and make sure you carry on writing,’ he whispered in his ear, shaking his head.

She fell back on her heels, taking her arms off from around his shoulders.

‘You can’t drive, you’re too drunk,’ she said, sternly. ‘I’ll go see who else is free.’

‘No, no, no, don’t do that,’ he snapped, grabbing her arm and leading her off the dance floor, as if suddenly completely sober. ‘You don’t know these people.’

‘You don’t trust people?’ she asked, skeptically raising an eyebrow. ‘Since when? I thought harming was a taboo in the New World.’

‘I trust people,’ he mumbled, as if thinking to himself. ‘Just not right now. We’re too high up. They might be leaks.’

‘Leaks?”

‘That’s what we call the ones who escape from the lab. Sometimes they escape. It’s hard to control such big numbers, and I swear it’s hard to think of them as people,’ he turned to her angrily, but couldn’t see her expression in the dark. ‘This is why they don’t like you thinking those bad thoughts, because then this happens! Imagine if this was the case in your hometown. You’d never be safe taking a cab.’

‘What are you on about…? What is it with my thoughts and you?’

‘Because they spill into the world, and you never know what they might start,’ he carried on excitedly, giving her another hard look, despite not seeing her clearly.

Kara could tell it was something he was deeply passionate about, and although confused, she felt connected to him once more. Whatever it was with Tomás, it made him some sort of misfit too. She slipped her hand into his and got closer and closer, until she felt his warm breath on her cheeks.

‘They say I give off bad energies. Is it because of my bad thoughts?’

‘Energies?’ he grinned. ‘Is that what they think they stay? What about you? You wouldn’t really think that’s all bad thoughts are, stories inside your head and bad vibes for your friends, would you?’

‘Well, what else are they?’ she asked calmly, holding her breath.

Tomás laughed drunkenly, as if it was the most natural thing in the world to know. He got so fired up that he completely forgot his train of thought.

‘People.’

 

to be continued

BCollide Presents OCD Test/

I interviewed Johnny Wang from BCollide for  last week, and I’m extremely pleased and excited with the result! It was an interesting subject,and I had a lot of fun thinking of what the right questions to ask would be. I posted the article in full to add to my online portfolio, but the link to it on Schön!’s website is here. Please use that for any comments regarding the collection, the meaning behind and even my proofreading abilities! XO
 

BCollide presents OCD Test/ 

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Photography / Yue Huang
Fashion / Johnny Wang

Johnny Wang studied Fashion Design at Regent’s University, was involved in editorial styling for Vogue Italia and MIXTE, and worked for Alexander McQueen, Sir Tom Baker Bespoke Tailoring, and Phoebe English previous to starting up his own fashion label. The founder and creative director of BCollide, he talks to Schön! about his creative process, daily routine and his sources of inspiration. We discover what it is like to be a young entrepreneur in one of the world’s most competitive industries today.

How did BCollide come about?


BCollide combines ‘BC’ and ‘Collide’. ‘BC’ has no religious connotation here; it denotes a point from which the design should evolve honestly and purely. ‘Collide’ summarises the perpetual motion of lifestyle in a city like London. 
To a certain extent, BCollide reflects some aspects of my current life too.

Most of my female friends are young working professionals. We often discuss fashion and they would express their needs to me. Our conversations involve a lot of debate about the balance between creative design and practicality. For BCollide, it was their views that inspired me and contributed to the concept behind the label. 
BCollide is for young working professionals in cities. They are cool, maverick, ambitious, and enjoying their newly found independence — and the confidence and pride that come with it — in the form of a regular income. It’s an exhilarating experience in one’s life!

So when you talk about balance between creative design and practicality, what does that entail? Have you found any solutions?

I feel a lot of young designers, especially those who’ve had formal training in fashion design, struggle at some point during building a start-up business. Fashion design, as education, can be very exclusive, unforgiving and only highly value artistic expression. Now, as an entrepreneur, I face a different set of challenges — commercial viability and marketability of the products. My experience from working within the industry really helps me evaluate ideas from both creative and practical ends, however.

For BCollide, we explore one idea, many times until it’s translated into functional products. The process involves a lot of experimental pattern cutting and garment finishing, yet the practicality doesn’t only refer to garments but also to running the business. Building a business from scratch presents challenges on a daily basis. There are so many things to do. It’s very thrilling and humbling.

Left Top / BCollide  Offset 1/4 circle duo-tone panel short-sleeved shirt in buff and white  Skirt / BCollide  Technical lame long skirt in handbrushed ombre gold Right Top / BCollide  Offset 1/4 circle duo-tone panel short-sleeved shirt in buff and white

Left
Top / BCollide
Offset 1/4 circle duo-tone panel short-sleeved shirt in buff and white
Skirt / BCollide
Technical lame long skirt in handbrushed ombre gold
Right
Top / BCollide
Offset 1/4 circle duo-tone panel short-sleeved shirt in buff and white

Top / BCollide Offset circle panel shirt in white Skirt / BCollide Technical lame short skirt in handbrushed ombre gold

Top / BCollide
Offset circle panel shirt in white
Skirt / BCollide
Technical lame short skirt in handbrushed ombre gold

Your debut collection, OCD TEST, is ‘designed to exercise the unease triggered by the mis-alignment in everyday objects’. How did OCD come to constitute the main inspiration for the collection?

I experience this particular form of uneasy feeling when I see, for instance, a manhole cover in the street is slightly offset and the road markings wouldn’t match perfectly. It’s a very personal subject. I’m presenting this problem to my audience in designs aimed to stimulate senses with a bit of humour, if one gets it.

This collection investigates a particular form of OCD that is induced by the mis-alignment in everyday objects. It takes a witty approach as opposed to a medical diagnostic one. The designs present an argument or a problem from a different angle. With the confrontational visuals that they bear, my audience can have a light-hearted chuckle when they suddenly realise ‘Oh, this happens to me too’.

What are your main artistic influences, within both visual arts and the world of fashion?

I’ve had a lot of influences while going through the educational process, to the point where I got a little lost. Going around galleries and seeing sculptures and art was furiously encouraged at college and university. I question my own design philosophy all the time, and avoid the ‘formula’ that is ‘one finds inspirations and reconfigures them’. 
For BCollide, the play with these conventional forms of clothing is explicit. What is done on top of those elements is the design, be it a solution to a problem or a problem of a solution. In this sense, BCollide is quite a naughty one, hence its rebellious undertone.

The introduction video for OCD TEST seems rather sharp and tense, playing on emotional insecurity and a deep sense of unease. Where did your fascination with the dark side of the brain spring from? 


BCollide is honest. Honesty sometimes can be confrontational and brutal. The video confronts insecurity. Like the collection, the video aims to stimulate senses. I’m fascinated by the sensation I have when responding to my surroundings — it could be joy, amusement, and accomplishment, but also sorrow, depression, and failure. The OCD TEST collection plays on a slightly troubling subject indeed, but I do hope that the result is delightfully different.

Schon_Magazine_BCollide4

Top / BCollide Offset 1/4 circle duo-tone panel shirt-dress in dust blue and royal blue

Top / BCollide
Offset 1/4 circle duo-tone panel shirt-dress in dust blue and royal blue

Top / BCollide Offset circle sleeveless soft-tailored jacket in cement grey  Skirt / BCollide Technical lame long skirt in handbrushed ombre silver

Top / BCollide
Offset circle sleeveless soft-tailored jacket in cement grey
Skirt / BCollide
Technical lame long skirt in handbrushed ombre silver

Would you consider a collaboration? 

I yearn for collaborations. Collaborations for me are like putting together a huge jigsaw puzzle, just with more hands and brains. The same idea can be interpreted and realised in so many ways. Most importantly, it will be a dream come true to work with people who share a similar ideology in design; the creative comrades.

What does a day-to-day schedule involve for you? 


I’m currently working solely on my own, so I’m taking care of everything: researching, designing, pattern cutting, sourcing, sampling, fitting, book keeping, PR-ing, branding and marketing. I do take Sundays off though, it’s the one day a week I can detox and recuperate.

Is the deconstruction of the conventional lines of garments a creative direction that you would like to explore in future collections?

The deconstructed elements in this collection serve the concept, as opposed to the brand’s aesthetic. Elements are meant to look like they’ve been sliced open and rotated, and convince the audience it’s an intended design. If another future idea requires leaving certain parts of the design unfinished, it’ll be done only to convey the idea, but it’s not a necessity.

On a final note, what comes next for BCollide?

BCollide debuts with OCD TEST as a luxury womenswear label. I’ve started to research for the next collection. I’m working on ‘Re-define’, which is to challenge the stereotypical use of certain fabrics and the connotation of conventional garments. Hopefully BCollide can bring a different set of dialogue to the table of design.

To see more of BCollide, and to discover the OCD TEST collection, click here.

Words / Anca Dunavete

This BCollide editorial was produced by

Photography / Yue Huang
Art Direction / BCollide
Styling / Johnny Wang
Model / Sophia Bassé
Make Up / Silvia Saccinto
Graphic Design / Shelley Xu
Photography Assistant / Ara Zhong

Special thanks to Barbican Estate and to members of the BCollide studio who were an absolute joy to work with.

On #SYPconf14, Luck, Timing and Pixie Dust

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I figured that, since I am a (NCTJ-qualified) journalist, I’d better start blogging about my opinions. It’s funny, I have a degree that gives me the right to talk… I must mention, though, that it’s 2AM and the only reason why I’m not in bed yet is, well, JackFM. God I love JackFM.

One year ago I realised that I don’t want to go into journalism. When I applied for university, I wanted nothing more than to graduate as already an investigative journalist (or travel journalist… hey, the world is big and the possibilities are endless.) As for the reason, there is a quote I found during my studies that says it better than I ever could. Here it goes:

I knew I didn’t want to be a doctor or a lawyer or go into business. I wanted to be a writer and bring down the bastions of power that caused common people so much suffering. That’s what I thought in 11th grade. I guess I never grew up. I still feel that way.” (Robert I. Friedman, investigative journalist)

Beautiful, isn’t it? Yet after a long dissertation on the representation of humanitarian crises in the Western Media and exploring theories of media influence while growing more and more cynical, I realised I am not ready for it. I see journalism, real journalism, as a high and mighty thing still, but deep inside me I just know that right now is not my time to write about such things.

Therefore, one year ago I decided to work more on not only my knowledge but also focus, drive, creativity and inner strength before taking the weight of the world on my shoulders, and investigated :) other routes. I stumbled over the Society of Young Publishers‘ annual conference in Oxford and decided that it might be worth to give it a try, although I knew nothing about the world of publishing at the time and lived 4 hours away in good old Portsmouth. I liked books, ok? I read from my grandmother’s newspaper when I was 2, this would impress any potential employer, right? I dutifully bought my ticket then, messaged my only Facebook contact from Oxford that I was coming, needed a place to stay overnight and it was nice to finally meet him, and packed some clothes in a hurry. What was I thinking? Ah, but sometimes the mind only gets in the way…

Publishing really  seemed like a dream come true, the best of both worlds; I would be around great literature and perhaps utilise my writing skills every now and then. I left the conference and Oxford animated, enthusiastic and ready to go for it, all engines burning. My dream to work in the world of books that, I like to believe, shape the world just as much as newspaper do and yes, I know just how debatable my statement is, was beginning to take on a life of its own. I immediately went back to reading tons of books, researching the publishing industry in every way, getting better at InDesign (because ebooks) and generally growing more and more comfortable with the terrifying future awaiting for me at the end of July.

After graduation, I made the biggest efforts and managed to move to London in what should never, ever, be defined in my biographies as a dream place, and spent days and nights drinking coffee and applying for entry level jobs while counting down the number of days left until the rent was due. I had made a promise to feed myself emotionally, creatively, intellectually, and spiritually each day, and sticking to something this noble brings us, I believe, trust and respect for ourselves.

Yet feeding my creativity  became increasingly harder as I couldn’t find work that mattered, to the point that I nearly ran out of it — and began to forget what that work should be. I got dangerously close to the point where I didn’t know what I wanted to do anymore, and just wanted to do more living for a while. This is ok to say as a 22-year-old, isn’t it? Not so much when you’re a planner like me, and are not rebelling to go on a round-the-world trip but running out of funds. I actually like having a vision, making lists, seeing the light at the end of the tunnel, and even keeping my room tidy! New life in London was messy, chaotic and lacked any sort of direction. The number of articles I began to read on neuroscience and NLP slowly started to scare my housemate…

The publishing world didn’t seem to want me and I started to resent it too. I went back to journalism and worked in a tiny office for a Romanian newspaper, and later interned for Schön! magazine. In the meantime I also got experience in digital marketing, book marketing and social media marketing… but you can read about all this on my LinkedIn, which looks incredibly neat for what it was all really like.

Last month I stumbled over the new Society of Young Publishers‘ annual conference, this time taking place at the London College of Communication. Ironically, perhaps, it was also going to be the day after my internship with Schön! ended. I took a deep breath and got my ticket, biting my lips and fidgeting in my chair. What was it gonna be this year, then? More information, more networking, more ah-me-too-where-are-you-interning? Whatever is was going to be, I was going to be there with a smile on my face though (which was hard, given that I went to see Interstellar with my boyfriend the night before yay to surprises!) and that I did. I left with a notepad full of notes, contacts, a better understanding of what I must do and inspiration running a mile ahead of me, playing hide and seek with my slightly unimpressed self. But behind every cynic is a disappointed idealist after all…

It’s been a few days since the conference, and there are still a few days left until my marketing placement with Little, Brown Book Group starts (which I was offered in July, so it had nothing to do with #SYPconf14) and I’m taking my time to map out the future again. I know I didn’t study publishing, but neither have others. Frankly, I believe that there might be better journalists than me out there if only they were given a chance, fancy degree or not. It really all comes down to passion, as there are few things you can’t learn from Google today (future doctors, go to school, please!) In the media industry, skills are transferable and departments work closely together. I’ve spent one day at the HarperCollins offices (yes, I begged for that day for months and it included an episode of stalking in another city; I literally chase my dreams, ok?) and I was the last one to leave. I didn’t do the most interesting work I had ever done, but somehow, something, somewhere felt right. I went to #SYPconf14 a little scared, and came out with an open heart that wants more of the books world, more of this, whatever this is.

A part of me still wants to be a big bad investigative journalism. More of me wants to work with manuscripts and upcoming authors right now. I listen to my heart, because I know I’d be hearing it screaming later if I didn’t. Is this my path? I want it to be now. I don’t know if I’ll walk it forever. I probably won’t be walking forever, but for as long as I am here, for as long as I am awake and unafraid and strong and bold and young and free to choose, I choose to do what I love — and do it more. Better days will come; or I will go after them. Ready for me, marketing department?

AlexanderWang x H&M Launches | Schön! Mag.

Yes, H&M & Alexander Wang are launching a new collection tomorrow, but— but!— my name is @ Schön! Magazine’s website again! Check the post here!
 

AlexanderWang x H&M Launches

Alexander Wang x H&M Collection

Alexander Wang x H&M Collection

H&M and Alexander Wang’s innovative forthcoming collaboration is scheduled to hit stores and digital shelves tomorrow, on November 6th, after the Swedish retailer and New York-based designer have teamed up to create the ultimate urban collection.Photographer Zoltan Mihaly captures the collection exclusively for Schön! with stylist Peter Frak.

Black, white and grey and emblazoned with Wang’s blocky logo, with an urban edge and references to the survivalist undercurrent, this collection is what successful street style is made of. “We wanted to take certain elements of each sport and portray the ultimate warrior. The girls had to feel big and heroic,” states Wang.

Playing on the youth’s obsession with fitness, Alexander Wang X H&M brings sport and performance to everyday life through technical details and fabrics used for both function and fashion. This is Wang’s first ever versatile performance wear wardrobe, with over 35 exclusively designed pieces to be worn on the street, in the gym and at the club. Alexander Wang x H&M will be available online and in 250 stores worldwide.

The menswear collection comprises over 20 newly-developed pieces and creates a modern wardrobe with the aspects and functionality of performance wear. In the video game-esque teaser video, filmed in an underground theatre in London, the cast performs impressively athletic stunts while battling the elements, seeming almost superhuman. Wang explains that “We wanted to find a way of representing those performance-wear functionalities in the film by putting our cast in extreme conditions and by making it appear easy and graceful for them to take on something that seems like a challenge.”

Discover the #AlexanderWangxHM collection now.

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My Mind, My Playground. Raw Writings for Winter

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“I have fallen in love with the imagination. And if you fall in love with the imagination, you understand that it is a free spirit. It will go anywhere, and it can do anything.”  (Alice Walker)

His name was S. Was, and sometimes I’m not sure it even was at all. This is the story I thought I’d never tell. It’s also my favourite story of all. There are nights when I’m still burning with passion for all the things we did and all the more we could have done. These nights I don’t sleep at all. I toss and turn in my bed for hours, ardent and wanting and alive like I’ve only been since I met him and until everyday life happened and took him forever away from me (but more on this later, because strangely this is the part of the story I accept the easiest) Other nights I sleep well, and I wake up laughing at all the others when I don’t. ‘What am I losing sleep over,’ I wonder as I stretch and think of hot coffee and outfits of the day, ‘stories with ghosts? Grow up, will ya,’ I tell myself and get up quickly, careful not to start questioning us again, doubting myself again, and generally thinking of all things that will never, ever happen again. The truth is that this story should be buried six feet under with me at the end of what I hope it will be my long and beautiful life, but day after day the same thought hits me — that can life never be as beautiful again. ‘There is blood singing in your veins, yearning life and wilderness and new hearts to be tamed. You can do so much more, you can be all that you want. Leave the ghosts where they belong — in your overactive, stubborn, chaotic mind, and move on from the stories you knitted with theirs; they aren’t part of your story, they aren’t part of anything. They aren’t — and that’s that,’ I try to convince myself as I brush my teeth, roll my stockings up, put on some pretty flowery skirt and head out for yet another day in the land of make believe. It’s funny they call it that, when S was the only one who ever truly, deeply believed in me and he wasn’t even from around here; or around here. I shake my head to shake off my sadness. How did our paths ever cross, and how can I be so sure they ever did? I am not. I have never been, but those new feelings must have come from somewhere. When and where are questions that I am unlikely to ever answer; but the what is so clear to me that every night when I lie myself to sleep and every morning when I laugh at my split personality can’t make up for half the truth I know in my heart.

He is as real as it gets to me, and this certitude warms up my entire body. He lives boldly and vividly in my world. Ah, the devil’s in the details; of course he does, because my world is inside of me. Has it all been only in my mind this entire time? But what time? Is it now? Is it then? Is it never? Is it important? What is the point of something if you don’t let it change you? — and this has changed me more than anything that could have happened.

My steering wheel has his fingerprints, and I know it’s because he never really left. He’s trapped in my world and he thinks I’m the universe. Ah, I like being somebody’s everything when I have never been enough for myself. He told me that I am everything and I only nodded, knowing that to him I am a planet but to myself I am a particle of dust in the galaxy, carried places by much stronger winds. There have never been any others sinking down to such depths to be dancing with all my demons. The demons, God damn the demons, spoon-fed with my fears and instead of silenced their screams burn through my veins and echo in my heart. I know, I’m such a cliché. Isn’t this ordinary life? And yes, I too want to be happy, of course. Because what else is there to be?

If you want to know about my life, know that it hasn’t always been this mundane background with a splash of surreal. I have big dreams and not enough ambition, big questions and never any answers. I see sweetness in solitude, but I believe in having a soft landing below me if I ever fall, and it has names and faces and unbreakable bonds that make me smile through all the tears. Some stand out more than others, but in the end it’s my safety net, my security blanket, my heart and what I thought to be my life: a bright, young thing, trying a bit too hard to inject happiness into her veins, finding warmth in the road ahead and going on short bursts of adventures to pacify her wanderlust.

I was that, and probably little more, until S happened. And he happened for long days and torrid nights, and it felt like a little lifetime, so different from all I’ve ever experienced that I’m still wondering if I’ve ever experienced it at all. Every memory of him that I cling on to for dear life knocks on my every door, window and crack in the wall, begging me to play it first; and I let go of myself and the world around me, and stop time to get lost in the sweet, secret feelings. Stains on my heart, stains on humanity’s emotional evolution, stains on the world’s history, all the ways in which S affected me are things unheard of. I know of many great love-and-lost stories, but never have I heard of such enigmatic, wild forces that come and go so quickly, changing one’s life forever yet leaving them to ponder on their very existence. Those memories are all I have now and this is supposed to be the end of the story, but strangely, it is only the beginning. I need to do this, I’ll always need to, much as it hurts thinking about it, because those memories make the familiar calm come back to me in the way I know that S will never do.

I write this knowing fully well that what’s been is long gone now, and I need to drain my sadness out through ink and tears and get out of this loop. And I tried and tried to think about the world around me and the problems students have to face and the lovely lady at the corner shop who’s been running her small business for forty years now but I always, always come back to writing about him. I don’t know anything else, and I probably never will, and this is another thing I need to be ok with. I will never, ever find anything that I can connect to on a level so deep that it makes everything pulsate, as if connected to my own veins. S made life vibrant and I experienced the state of being fully alive and aware of my surroundings, of myself, of somebody else to a point it’s painful to go to, even in my head. I can almost feel the hands that can awaken all possibilities and arouse all my senses, imagination, and insecurities. I reset my mind, body, soul through him. When you feel and experience something with so much depth, everything is intensified. In my mind, I’m always going back to raw days, marvels, heightened senses, delicious ambiguity. To wherever the wind blows through our hair and intertwined fingers. S taught me about the analysis paralysis, about how seeing the good in people makes them believe it too and choose to be the good that you see in them, about never-ending adventures and the power of a strong soul.

Imagine a world where the character falls in love with the reader, where you don’t chase your dreams, but — plot twist — your dreams chase you, where books are written about silence and the things people only say with their eyes, their hearts and their vibration, and you’ve imagined the place where he comes from. The place where I think I come from, because it’s clearly not the New World of happiness and rainbows and butterflies. It’s different; it’s difficult to put it into better words. I want to follow this strange, wild creature down to the very depths of my imagination, all the way to where the magic happens — and it happens, I don’t know how I know it but I do, because I’ve never been all the way there yet but somehow I know exactly how it feels — but I’m paralysed by fear. I know its roots, I know where it comes from, and I know what it’s trying to say though. I know, because it’s the same fear we all face after all. I can almost see its rolling eyes and shaking head, hear the you-should-bes and the why-can’t-yous, and ah, the whatifs. What if my rich, vivid so-called memories are just a trick of the mind, if nothing really exists outside the edge of this New World, if the feelings I remember so well from the moments I felt most alive in are nothing but products of my foolish imagination? What if everything I think I remember is just a reminiscence of my mind wanderings to strange, forbidden places? What if S wasn’t real? What if S is real, but I never got even this far down and I’m only crazy? What if I can imagine things that exist somewhere else that I never got to? What if they don’t exist at all? The only testimony that I have are the changes my inner world went through — what if it went alone, with no man called S guiding it with warm hands and soft-spoken words?

Sometimes I don’t know if I’m making him up. I can’t tell reality from fiction. I wake up to new senses, I daydream of new adventures, I close my eyes and I live wildly and I open them and my soul collapses and I gain new experiences when I blink, and this world doesn’t live up to what my subconscious can do, but what if that’s all S ever was — if he ever was anything at all? But then there are his face, his voice, and all the things we did together than make me smile and blush and feel like I’ve already lived a life I’m proud of, and they are as clear as day to me. I just can’t remember what days they happened…

 

Fashion Editorials & Side Projects

Lately I’m working on fashion editorials for Schön! Magazine, carrying on with Intensifying It, modelling for Alecsandra Raluca Drăgoi and working on a novel idea. I’m thinking about posting some new writings, but until then, here are a few pictures and links to posts:

 

In front of & behind the camera shots from this 1st of November. We were trying to recreate a traditional Romanian look for a video, but only had an ASOS dress and a flowery scarf. At least we had a lot of fun with the camera team in Shoreditch!

 

This fantastic location is the King’s Theatre in Southsea, where we got right after buying a fancy dress — and right before returning it. The biggest challenge we had to face was not to rip it as it costed us pretty much all the money we had at the time. Fun!

 

Cut Me/

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The est by eS.’ prêt-à-porter autumn/winter collection is guided by principles of order and calm, targeting women who look for timeless, yet intriguing, clothing. Featuring gently lowered shoulder lines, visible waistlines, pockets hidden in seams and subtle conjunctions of front and back sides, the collection is a understated tribute to minimalist silhouettes. The Polish brand, created in 2010 by designer Gosia Sobiczewska, replaces its characteristic patterns with a variety of textures this season – geometric, suede, plain and relief textures come together with materials such as viscose, suit cotton and knit fabric. The colour scheme revolves around shades of vanilla, coal black, stone, and sapphire.

Shot by Bartek Wieczorek and styled by Robert Kiełb, this sleek editorial successfully communicates the brand’s message that womenswear should be tasteful, polished and sophisticated, without being ostentatious and gaudy.

To discover more about est by eS. click here.
Like est by eS. on Facebook for up-to-date news.



They Live by Night/

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Luscious Jenna Castilloux shows off her fierce side in bold pieces from BalmainRoberto Cavalli & Stuart Weizman in this dark, alluring editorial by Yann Ostiguy. With styling by Rima Chahine, city lights and dark, sultry silhouettes come alive at the peak of darkness.



En Route Rocky/

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Model Olya Ivanisevic is explores the depth of the suburbs wearing Tom Ford, Versace and Alexander McQueen pieces in this Schön! online editorial. Styled by Donald Hicks and captured by Caleb & Gladys, this exclusive editorial is a beautiful exploration of city and colour .



The Goalkeeper
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With street-worthy attire an air reminiscent of the `90s, Lindsay Hamlyn’s exclusive online editorial for Schön! features model Jason Anthony, styled by Kat Klug in classic Converse AllStars and sleek sport designs from Adriaan Kuiter and Comme Des Garçons.



A Tribute to Pina
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Model Sophia Nilsson poses for Schön! Magazine in this dark, evocative editorial shot by Halldora and Bryan. With styling by Fleur Bellanger, industrial backgrounds are confronted with pieces by Aganovich, Ainur Turisbek and Steven Tai. This online editorial is a deeply moving tribute to one of the most iconic members of contemporary dance: Pina Bausch.



Finesse
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This sophisticated online editorial by Matthew Lyn combines strong lines, daring textures and statement pieces from Burberry and Maison Matthew Gallagher, styled by Amarsana Gendunova. Delicate emotions conveyed by Next Models’s Nathalie B contrast with the apparent simplicity and dark colours, breathing life into these near-perfect combinations.



Trouble on my Mind/

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This wild monochromatic editorial captured outdoors by photographer Tristan Rösler, showcases svelte BOSS Orange, Surface to Air and Lost & Found pieces. Starring Aljoscha Fàbregas styled by Karl Peterson, this is a modern tribute to communing with all things nature.

Schön! Magazine — Features

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The journalism internship I’m currently undertaking at Schön! Magazine is proving to be quite challenging, but also fun and inspiring. I get to write about fashion, beauty and events, things I never tried to write about… except for a feature on Diesel’s new collection in my second year, and the fashion page for a London-based Romanian newspaper. Hey, maybe I know more than I think I do! Here are some of the articles I’ve worked on in these last few weeks, to make up for all the creative writing I’m avoiding to do lately… I have access to my boyfriend’s Netflix account, if that counts as an excuse. #BreakingBad ?!

 
 

The Glenlivet Releases the Winchester Collection

Schön! Magazine attended the exclusive launch of The Glenlivet’s The Winchester Collection, a series of single malts of unparalleled quality. Taking its name from current Master Distiller Alan Winchester, this exquisite collection of rare whiskies is anticipated to become one of the most sought after collections.

The London-based meet and taste event introduced Vintage 1964, the first 50-year-old single malt scotch from The Winchester Collection. Just 100 bottles of this inaugural release will be made available around the world, with each priced in parity to $25,000. The very first bottle is going on sale at one of the world’s most prestigious retailers, Harrods, this October. An undisclosed number of further releases from The Winchester Collection will follow, with Vintage 1966 confirmed to be next in line.

“This release marks a milestone for The Glenlivet,” Alan Winchester told Schön! “Casks of this age and quality are such a rare thing these days that I’m immensely proud to introduce the first of these rare vintages of preserved stocks from the distillery’s rich past.”

Craftmanship being taken just as seriously, every element used to design the perfect vessel is hand-crafted – from hand-blown glass to the inclusion of precious materials. Acclaimed Scottish glass artists Nichola Burns and Brodie Nairn  have been inspired by The Glenlivet’s history to create the design. The jewel-like stopper was made by internationally acclaimed silversmith Richard Fox, whose past commissions have included Formula One and Rolls Royce, and the beautiful presentation cabinet has been created by award-winning furniture maker John Galvin.

Nikki Burgess, Global Brand Director for The Glenlivet, explained that “The release of The Winchester Collection sets a new benchmark in single malt. We are excited to share this spirit, the product of 50 years of craftsmanship, with whisky lovers and collectors alike. Vintage 1964 allows us to tell a new chapter in The Glenlivet’s rich history.”

If the first bottle of Vintage 1964 goes on sale at Harrods this October, the launch date for the next release from the collection has yet to be announced.


 

Lisbon’s Fashion Legacy Showcase

If you don’t think of Portugal as one of the fashion industry’s key players yet, we say think again. October shed some light on the creative and commercial potential of this Iberian land, bringing to attention Lisbon Fashion Week – the most important Portuguese fashion event, a project supported by Lisbon’s city council and ModaLisboa Association that brings together the national and international press, VIPs and fashion lovers. Aiming to promote creativity, not only in fashion, but also in adjacent areas, such as photography and set design, it takes place twice a year – March and October – and showcases the work of talented established and emerging Portuguese designers.

The 43rd edition of Lisbon Fashion Week revolved around legacy, a theme which explored the idea of reconstruction as something which doesn’t necessarily equate to oblivion, emphasizing the fact that the new doesn’t erase history.

The events took place from the 10th to 13th of October, proudly presenting collections that anticipate the summer of 2015, new names in the fashion industry, pop-up stores of emergent Portuguese brands and an exhibition of fashion photography.

Sangue Novo, the platform created by Lisbon Fashion Week in 2003 that aims to introduce upcoming national talents to an international audience, introduced ten new designers at Pátio da Galé on the 10th October. With collections that set a very high standard, the ambitious young designers celebrated style, creativity and innovation. Olga Noronha, Cristina Real, Rua 148 and other up-and-coming designers revealed their collections on the catwalk, presenting fresh perspectives on the creative legacy that Portugal aspires to leave.

One of the designers, Inês Duvale, presented streetwear-inspired collection, Karma, featuring imprinted circular shapes in a cold pallet of white, greys and dark blues. Duvale interpreted the idea of circularity with concentric circles splashed on garments – symbols of protection – and circular earpieces that completed her strong vision. Inês works with designer Ricardo Andrez, a regular at Lisbon Fashion Week, who

showcased his own collection Chaser the next day at Pátio da Galé. Inês was later selected to showcase her work in June 2015 at FashionClash in Holland by Branko Popovic.

The three day event also featured Wonder Room, a pop-up store of emergent Portuguese brands, at Sala do Arquivo, in Lisbon’s City Council. Three of the designers participating in Sangue Novo’s show, Catarina Oliveira, Cristina Real and Nair Xavier, also exhibited their collections at Wonder Room.

Immediate interpretations of the shows were on display at Workstation, an exhibition of photography Capturing the highlights of the event as it happened. Workstation started on the evening of the first day and continued until the end of Lison Fashion Week Legacy at Paços do Concelho, showcasing photographic impressions of the occasion through the work of four young, promising photographers: Arlindo Camacho, Carla Pires, Pedro Duarte Jorge, and Ricardo Santos.

This autumn, Lisbon chose to believe in the power of ongoing projects, renewed energy and the conscience of what is valuable and essential about its culture. Legacy is to give and receive, and Lisbon gave faith, trust and a strong voice to its newest emerging designers – and now Schön! believes in them too.


 

Atelier Scotch Tailoring Line Available in Own Brand’s First Store

Amsterdam-based brand Scotch & Soda opened its first store last week, on Heiligeweg, in the heart of the Dutch Capital. With the store, which will stock the tailored line Atelier Scotch, the house is expanding its horizons. Focused on contemporary yet decorative formal dressing, Atelier Scotch is a stylish collection defined by bold combinations, luxury, and a love for details. Scotch & Soda is led by an international team of professionals that warmly welcomed Schön! at the opening. The spectacular opening saw local and international press, as well as devotees of the brand, discover the refined and subtle interior of the new store.

Presenting clothes bursting with unique mixtures of structures, styles and colours, that still stay subtle and elegant, it showed that this is a name to remember. Atelier Scotch has a serious tone to it, yet combines materials and fits that haven’t been seen before, resulting in a varied, distinctive and non-pretentious line.

The team behind the collection was inspired by the world’s style capitals and launched a strong collection that plays with contradictions, but keeps it classy. It launched at Pitti Uomo in Florence in January 2014, targeted at the gentleman who is “cool, not stiff; comfortable, but dressed up.” By boldly positioning itself in the fashion world this autumn through its signature collection and a fresh new store, Scotch & Soda is paving its way to a bright, promising future.

Head to Heiligeweg 45, Amsterdam, to discover the new Scotch & Soda store.


 

 Loulou de la Falaise; Rizzoli International Publications, New York, 2014

A new release has become the first monograph to celebrate the life and work of Loulou de la Falaise, the style icon and muse to Yves Saint Laurent who became the embodiment of French chic. Born in 1948 to an English mother and a French father, Loulou’s chic style, powerful spirit and ability to transform anything into something made her an influential fashion icon and a breath of fresh air to the world of Parisian haute couture.

”I’m not a very strict person,” she once declared. “I’m more of an extravagant type of person. I’ll keep on mixing because it’s more inspiring.…I think fashion goes through phases. I just wait for them to be over.”

Celebrated for inspiring and accessorizing Yves Saint Laurent’s collections, she moved to Paris in 1972 to work with the designer. For almost forty years, she built her professional reputation designing jewelry and accessories both for Yves Saint Laurent as well as for her own line.

indexSlim, beautiful and artistic, she almost looked like a fashion sketch. She loved parties and cigarettes, but so did everyone else in Paris back then. Fun-loving and popular on the Paris social scene, Loulou was a glamorous figure with perfect proportions, seductive voice and bohemian flare. Oscar de la Renta said he always felt reassured when de la Falaise would declare, “I love that.” And although she loved socializing, she was almost always surrounded by Yves, her husband Thadée Klossowski de Rola and their daughter, Anna.

Loulou’s appetite for fashion and beauty continues to inspire millions today. The elegant and fun style icon really exemplified what French chic is all about. This volume is her life in over 400 pictures captured by legendary photographers, alongside conversations with her intimates.


 

 Marianne Faithfull: A Life on Record; Rizzoli International Publications, New York, 2014

Edited by the artist herself, with accompanying handwritten captions, the new photo memoir pays tribute to the style icon that Marianne Faithfull has been for decades. Discovered in a coffeehouse in 1964 by the manager of the Rolling Stones, Marianne quickly became the sixties’ ingénue with big blue eyes and an angelic expression, the rock’n’roll queen with the hit records in a leather jumpsuit, the blissed out girl on Mick Jagger’s arm. While her story is not exactly a fairytale, it certainly is a fascinating journey from innocence to experience. Published to coincide with the fiftieth anniversary of the release in 1964 of her groundbreaking debut single “As Tears Go By,” this book includes never-before-seen snapshots from Faithfull’s own archive, specially commissioned photographs of her Parisian home, and iconic images by the world’s best-known photographers. It is a brilliant, complete, revealing celebration of an extraordinary force in the popular culture.

Her singing, songwriting, acting and presence as the it girl of the sixties have made Faithfull an undisputed icon. As a singer, she collaborated with Rolling Stones, Pink Floyd and Nick Cave, and as an actress she worked alongside luminaries such as Alain Delon, Jean-Luc Godard, and Sofia Coppola. She has been a magnet for other artists since she was a 17 year old fresh-faced girl who sang like an angel, her voice confirming her image. The most striking thing about her during the sixties, decade that Diana Vreeland named the “youthquake” — the first great explosion of sex, drugs and rock ‘n’ roll, was her innocence. Other iconic girls of the sixties, like Veruschka and Edie Sedgwick, never looked innocent. Despite being carried to the top of the charts, when she turned 19 she followed the path set by her high-born parents and married her Cambridge-educated boyfriend. This duality fascinated the London press even more. As Salman Rushdie writes in the foreword, “With her big baby-blue eyes and her angelic expression, she looked as if the darkness of the ’60s couldn’t touch her.” Which, of course, foreshadowed that it would.

51T9GBEXhiL._SY300_Just one year later, aged 20, Faithfull decided to leave her marriage to be in love with Jagger. But the Sixties had many casualties and, by the time her new relationship had ended, her heroin addiction was ready to cost her custody of her son Nicholas (from her first marriage), her house, and nearly her life. What happened next, however, was remarkable. She returned for a second act in the late 70s, as a punk phoenix beating drug addiction, homelessness, cancer and hepatitis with her confessional comeback album, Broken English. Her new, deeper, rougher voice, the voice of a life full of rich experience, and her new smile reminded of the grandeur of the survivor.

Half-century since her first hit, the beautiful mature woman she is today is ready for a series of projects to celebrate her fifty year recording career. There’s her photographic memoir Marianne Faithfull: A Life on Record, but also a new album. ‘Give My Love to London’ was released in September 2014, soon to be followed by a 12-month world tour in 30 European cities. Ready to set out from her home in Paris, she notes simply in the book’s final pages: “What I love best is making records and performing. My motto: Never let the buggers grind you down.”

Introspection

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Write hard and clear about what hurts. — Ernest Hemingway

 

When nobody was looking, I buried my ring in the sand and left it for the waves to carry it far away. I didn’t want him and the symbols of his stupid, selfish love and, if I really had stopped to think, I might have thrown my own body to the sea.
Every cell at the surface of my skin still carried his fingerprints, and every ounce of blood running through me contained all the feelings under the sun next to memories of him, as if swimming together in a sea of so many others.
But I could think of only each second in front of me, hearing the wind and the silence rumbling in my mind and breathing in and out this dark morning of my soul.
All my storms, like silk cold aversions, had stopped at the edge of me and left my heart dry out and die. Who knew? I knew. He was the bad guy, but he already walked through all my doors marked private. I was becoming badland.
‘Baby, come here,’ he said putting an arm around my shoulders. ‘The guys are leaving, shall we go with them?’
I shrugged. The truth was that that day didn’t matter all that much, because we both knew where this was really going. Ah, all the things that were going to happen, all the things that were never going to happen anymore.
I don’t know, baby. You nearly killed me.

Fingers in my fists, mind as cold as heart. The Siberia of my lands, the winter of my years. He chose a bad time to visit.
‘You need two things to heal – time and love,’ he said to me, ‘and I’m going to give you both.’
Yes, I need time away from you and your stupid, selfish love.
I heard him swallow hard, and his tension didn’t move me. I nearly congratulated myself for the lack of emotion. New skills, always a pleasure.
It was midday and we were in the park. We came to look for squirrels. We had already been through all of this on the phone, when he asked me to meet him. I screamed at him for a little while before I said yes. I was drained.
‘I know you want to say no, but you also want to say yes. It’s the yes that truly matters. It’s the yes you’ll come back to in the end. You’ll stay. I know you’ll stay. and I’m not going to force you but I will be here, and somehow, you will be here too.’
I was going to turn to look at him, at that smug face that nearly crashed the car and yet still had the courage to talk to me like that, but I didn’t want to learn hate all over again.
‘You hit me,’ I said quietly, almost to myself. I nearly died.

People and trees and the city’s mystery and magnificence receded on either hand like the dark sides of a tunnel. I was walking – no, I was running back home, eyes and face full of tears. My head ached and my body burnt and I was bleeding. He hit me, and when he started the car I screamed and I screamed at him to stop but he would only scream louder and I was afraid that he was going to hit me again, so I stopped after a while and crossed my fingers so hard that it hurt. I didn’t want to die yet, I didn’t want to trust my dreams to a younger generation. I wanted to live to scream another day, to create another day, to claim, take, and love every day of my little life even if it meant being without him. Better, even. He was laughing like the drunken idiot that he had been all night when he lost control and crashed. I don’t know what happened to him, or to the other people. I opened the door and ran and ran and didn’t stop running, not even when I felt that the sticky liquid on my face wasn’t just tears – ah, whatever, a little blood. But he hit me, and then he nearly killed me. But he loved me, and he asked me to be his for the next twenty years or so. But I was running too hard to follow my thoughts, and as I ran I lost them all on empty streets. Never will I think them again, was the last one of them, and I had never felt fresher, wiser, easier in my then-bleeding skin.

‘Are you crazy?’ I laughed and leaned across the table.’You don’t ask… this… in front of everybody, I…’
I blushed, for sure.
Everybody was staring, and I was feeling slightly awkward, embarrased and forced to give an answer I hadn’t thought through.
‘Relax, baby,’ he said. ‘I’ll make the yes come in time. Everyday will be a yes day, baby. Just give me a little – he put two fingers together – trust, this much every day.’
He took another sip of his beer and she nudged my elbow.
‘You just got the luckiest girl at the table,’ she whispered in my ear.
‘You think?’ I smiled, and felt my cheeks turning red.
She gave me a long, intense stare, and then proceeded to gracefully ignore me.
When I went to the ladies room, I glanced in the mirror at my bronzed skin and long, gold dress. I looked pretty stunning. I knew the answer in my heart.
He just got the luckiest guy in that room.

‘So… how did you guys meet?’
Oh, God, I hate this question.
I ran my fingers through my hair, nervously.
‘At a bar,’ I finally said and giggled.
‘Oh yeah? Did he just pick you up randomly?’
‘No, no. He was… in a fight. Outside. Jesus, Helen, I hate our story.’
Helen’s eyes opened widely.
‘He was? Did he win?’
‘Yeah… kinda. Well, I dragged him out of there. Me and a coupe of others. Then he was lying on the ground, talking about how the other guy was being difficult and all that jazz, when his eyes stopped on me.’
‘And?’
‘And… before he was saying that we was going to wait for people to start leaving, then beat his ass again.’
‘He did that?’
‘No, he let me call a cab and take him home.’
‘Oh, wow. He moved fast. With you, I mean. And you did too. Wait, you did that? You’re not like that. What about your stranger danger theory? My God, you collected your boyfriend from a fight?!’
‘Ah, well,’ I smiled, feeling like a badass hero in front of you-never-have-enough-fun Helen, ‘he can never be a dangerous stranger to me anymore.’
‘He doesn’t have to, honey.’

You Are the Idea of Intensity

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“My mother taught me the distinct smell before the rain, the promise of cleansing.
Didn’t anyone warn you
I’m what natural disasters are named after?
I am a river,
good luck controlling me
good luck slowing me down.
There isn’t an ounce of age
to my soul.”

Michelle K., Aries in the Morning

 

No Matter How Many of My Cells are Replaced

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I write because nobody listens was the first quirky thing I noticed about her. She had scribbled – perhaps in a hurry, with a fountain pen – this phrase on the first page of a notebook left open on the table. She had fiery red hair, wore little make up and a loose black dress. There was a homemade sign up on the wall saying We serve freshly grounded coffee, and a mild smell of cinnamon coming from her. Cinnamon girl, I caught myself smiling and quickly ordered an espresso. I couldn’t think of anything more but days with her. It wasn’t long until the lights in her eyes turned off. Ah, the implications of a smile.

 

Here is a map with your name for a capital feels like the best way to describe her heart. Exhausted from beating for all the wrong reasons, and crammed full of glorious maybes, it found a safe haven in saying my name over and over again, until the letters didn’t make sense anymore and we laughed together at the hilarity. She was loving, unashamed and courageous. When she spoke, she spoke loudly and often looked around to see if others were listening too. She liked to go to the theatre to warm up to the emotions, and never let me made fun of it. ‘We all have our security blankets,’ she said, and didn’t let me take hers away. I loved her for her strangeness, for her openness and her rawness, for how invigorating she was and for all the many tricks up her sleeve. Those were the days when life was in full force, days that seemed to start early and end never. I was mad about her. She was the one thing I would have saved from the fire, if it started to burn. But when it did, it started from within.

She rarely spoke of what was way down deep where the forgotten things live. It wasn’t until she filled me with her sadness under street lights and asked me to walk her home, or when she curled up in a ball in the backseat of my car, or when she suddenly wanted me to leave, that I realised how much she had been disguising in kisses.

 

‘Pull up a chair, I’ll pour you a cup of coffee. You don’t have to disappear to prove that you are there,’ I said right before she burnt to ashes in front of my eyes. She was a figment of the most clever, ingenious, but incomplete imagination. I shouted her names from balconies and rooftops, I whispered it in pillows and in my sleep, I scrawled it in ink on the back of photographs, and I knew I will never slid over and put my arms around her sleep-warmed body or stretch across her lap again. In my mind, she will always have all the names I called her, in the light, in the dark, on the side of the bus, sour and delicious, secret and unrepeatable, names forgotten and reinvented, names forbidden or overused.

Sunbathing in the window, bare legs, one ankle hooked around the other, eating ice cream cones and looking relaxed, hair sticky and damp hair on her neck from swimming… That image blurs all the edges. I choose not to remember her outside of it, because outside of it she was nothing of that girl. If only people were more like their souls.

 

There are always gaps in whatever comes to me. The world is a cynical reality where everything is nothing but a shadow of everything that could have been.

 

*

 

Memories made in my room. Memories made on paper. I write everything down, so I don’t forget when little pieces of my life start chipping away. No matter how many of my cells are replaced, he will forever continue to swim through my blood. Whether it will be Thursday and March, Friday and July, this year or the next to come I will never forget. I never forget, because I always write. Because nobody listens.

I gave up telling my story when I was nineteen and I had seen nearly every city in this country from a rooftop without jumping. A boy put his hands in his lap and leaned forward to kiss me, but stopped halfway and started laughing like a moron. The sky was just turning lilac. It had taken me forty minutes to explain my beliefs to him, to make him understand who I then thought I was. He apologised a couple of times only to start laughing again, and again, much harder. He thought I was crazy, but it didn’t matter because I was beautiful and if I wanted to watch stories unfolding like a play from rooftops I could. Because I was beautiful. He was the last boyfriend I had.

 

What came next was what I like to call the wild future, even though it’s in the past. Stumbling the streets and taking in the heat of the pavement, cars pulsing through the arteries of cities, corner store pharmacies, buses puffing at stops, going to the park at dusk and swinging high into the sky while listening to music and feeling life beating like a drum in my chest, kissing and glowing and writing on buildings and cities and skies and running all over the map, I used to be able to catch the sunlight that is now slipping through my fingers. These delicious images of when I claimed the universe for myself are still haunting my brain. I can not speak about them, so I write tens on notepads about the bright, burning lights that light my days up until nights begin to hurt, even in the giant softness of my bed.

Stories don’t deserve to stay in the quiet, but what I lived is far from a story I can tell – it’s rather a painting of the world seen through my eyes, where nothing ever happened but I happened to everything. The pure pearl of the morning sky above me, the soft, smoky-white fog which blotted out any background, sitting on a bench in the National Park with a bottle of water and watching fog float across the valley below, the colours of motor oil in a puddle of water – gold, plum, fiery orange, the smell of high pine, ice and wet earth, jumping out of a boat and splashing up the shore. I am grateful for times like these. Making silhouettes of spilled ink out of them is my essential endurance strategy for surviving the empty soul wilderness.

These times didn’t last, but they taught me where to search for a God, if there is one – and then they taught me there is one indeed.

 

I still walk past his house. I always seem to find my way back there. He never wondered at my anger. His love dissolved my fears for a spring, after I had tasted all flavours of fear. The intimacy we shared, fingertips tracing our shapes in the dark and hearts beating slowly to the same rhythm in the sun, strangely reminded me that there is more to life than living alone on the run. Holding him led the way to another world, a better, safer place – his heart was the door knob, warm as if he was resting his hand there to let me go in. ‘You need time and love to heal, and I’ll give you both,’ he said. I met his eyes and said, ‘No. I can’t take anything from you.’ I like easy, vague ideas, rivers of light in others, only because there’s nothing like that inside of me. One night I waited for him in the dark for two hours. Eventually, his touch came gently, reassuring. I couldn’t unclench my fists from the back of his shirt anymore.

My touch comes like a bullet. He could not fill all my voids. It never got fast enough for me, and if I do slow I lose my mind. I like this sense of urgency, of self. I don’t care if they understand me now. I’m not nineteen any longer. But I’m still running.

 

Book Review: Incorporated Evil

I reviewed this (really good, as you’re about to find out) book for Publishing Push, where I was also the Marketing & Communications Assistant.
 
 

Review: Incorporated Evil: A Business With One Goal…Absolute Power

Incorporated-Evil-Final-2014-KINDLE-198x300Incorporated Evil is that kind of novel; everybody knows them. They hook you up from the beginning and don’t let go until you’ve finished – and, after you’ve read the ending twice, it still haunts you for days.

Although a brilliant plot-driven novel by definition, Incorporated Evil is at its heart a story about people and the tension they face – between love and hate, duty and revenge, the good and the evil in all of us. Widdows doesn’t want to tell his readers a story; he wants to tell them all the stories through the characters who populate his imaginationland.

The book follows the journey of Sean McManus, business journalist for a London newspaper, whom the reader finds feeling helpless, turning a little cynical, and living in a quiet desperation for meaning. Despite his best intentions to be an investigative journalist, he grows softer and softer in time as his confidence starts decomposing. His life begins to change when he becomes interested in the untold story behind the CEO of the world’s largest company. A quiet presence in the press although despite his astounding results, Charles Barker-Willet strikes as a modest, media-shy man and intrigues Sean enough to send him in a quest for answers. Sean uncovers a whole new world as he ends up on a rollercoaster ride from around the world, chasing shadows and secrets as he begins to put together the pieces of the biggest, baddest and maddest puzzle there is.

On the surface, Incorporated Evil looks like a straightforward book about the corporate world – the aphrodisiac of absolute power, combined with a couple of other ingredients such as romantic love and a good cause. Yet this novel doesn’t do exactly what it says on the tin. While discovering what’s behind the world’s largest company would be nearly enough to keep one

Anca Dunavete

reading, discovering what happens to the characters soon becomes the priority. It is easy to fall in love with them and wish them well – then follow every step of their journey. While it is obvious from the very start who the main characters are, it is difficult to say that the rest are of any less interest to the reader. All have the great quality of being profoundly human, with warm blood and hearts racing and doubts so obvious that drawing the line between good and evil, ironically, becomes hard.

What makes Incorporated Evil special, besides the catchy story, is its plot twists. Although trademark of every book of this kind, they are so much humanized through the characters leading the story forward that their individual stories easily become the main story at times. Having transplanted almost every element out of the real life, but putting them together this way, Widdows has great a possible world that will send both shivers and tenderness down any reader’s spine.

Sharp Prose

Sharp Prose is a short story featured in Strangers.

 

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He said he was going to write a story about us. I took it seriously. Later, I found out it was. I was excited to hear that we could inspire someone to turn us into literature, even if nobody would get to read it. Maybe some stories aren’t meant to be read. The man didn’t even have a name. I asked, because I wanted to find him on the way back. He laughed at my plan and said we should come back to the village and ask anyone about the craftsman; that’s what people called him. I turned to Kevin, but he wasn’t paying attention.
‘What are you doing?’ I asked him, irritated.
‘Going through the man’s stuff, what do you think? Do you want anything?’
‘Yes, I want you to hear this.’
‘Hear what, Ava?’
‘That he plans to write about us.’
‘Write?’
He lifted his eyes and looked at us both, then laughed for a couple of minutes before going back to the little wood sculptures. The craftsman’s eyes were laughing too; I couldn’t imagine him laughing wholeheartedly. He was only smiling, looking peaceful and wise.
I wanted to hear about his idea so badly, even if he was going to forget it the moment Kevin and I got back to the car and go further down the drive, to our mountains. We were heading north for no reason. I said I wanted to get away from the city, he pointed north; soon, his intensity and my restlessness were on the road, and Kevin’s face looked happy for the first time in months. We thought we made a formidable team. Deep inside, I knew something was screaming ‘wrong’, but I didn’t know what it was. I only knew it had my voice.
Kevin kept going through all the abstract sculptures with a genuine interest, but I knew he wasn’t going to buy anything. I also thought I knew him inside out at that point. His patience bought me more time to talk to the craftsman. Short of breath and thrilled at the thought of being seen through someone’s eyes and put on paper, I asked him what it was going to be.
‘Sharp prose,’ he answered quickly.
I had never heard of sharp prose before. Again, I turned to Kevin, but he was still not paying attention. ‘What is sharp prose?’
‘Ah, I thought you were going to ask. Everybody does.’
Everybody?
His remark instantly tempered my enthusiasm.
‘It’s the kind of prose that hits you, like a knife into the flesh. That’s how strong it comes.’
‘Oh,’ I said, frowning. ‘When you read it, or when you write it?’
‘What’s the difference?’ he laughed, then shook his head. ‘The answer to your question would be both.’ He stared at me for a couple of seconds. ‘Even when I watch you two.’
‘What is so inspiring about us?’ I asked, somewhat confused.
‘I am a craftsman, a musician and a writer,’ he reminded me. ‘It’s my job to find inspiration in everything. You might want to rephrase that.’
‘Alright then…’

I looked around, trying to clear my head and come up with a better question. There was no better question, though. We were the only ones who could have known why stories should be written about Ava and K. Our wildest moments, followed by our desire of a safe place to be in with a glass in one hand and the world in another, balancing life as we pleased and all the scraps of life that couldn’t inspire anybody because they were like treasures buried on a remote island, when all this man has seen so far was the water. We weren’t talking, we weren’t even looking at each other. Kevin was still playing with the little figurines, I was still angry at him for not being the mirror they tell you a lover is. How could this be inspiring? How could this say anything about the richness of our times together, the gaps in our lives, the length of the story?
I turned to the strange old man and measured him. He was going to write, no doubt, but was it going to be beautiful? Sharp prose suddenly didn’t sound interesting to me anymore.
I went back to the car.

 

Days before, I woke up and opened my eyes to the sun shining through the blinds. The guys were talking next to me; she was laughing at his every joke. I closed them back. I don’t like other people, I said to myself, they take too long. I’d already be up on the mountains if it wasn’t for them. I can’t see why they’re here, why we have to travel together, why God can’t give me one damn day to be happy, as a sample to show me what I’m missing out on.
The other guy got up and turned the radio on, then gently shook my left shoulder. I couldn’t pretend to be asleep anymore, so I opened my eyes again.
‘I knew you were awake,’ he said. ‘I saw you.’
‘Wonderful,’ I said, sarcastically. ‘I was indeed, you woke me up.’
‘No we didn’t,’ Kevin shouted from the front of the van.
I lifted my head and looked at him. He was sharing a drink with the girl. She liked him, no doubt.
‘What’s your girlfriend’s name?’ I whispered to the guy’s ear.
He huffed and looked at her. His face was in the sunlight and I, dizzy as I was, couldn’t stop staring at his skin, jawlines, lips.
‘She is not my girlfriend,’ he whispered and made me smile. I knew he lied, but I was happy he did.
I looked back at Kevin. He seemed happy; so did the girl. So did us, I was sure.
The new guy had his own music and insisted to play it. It sounded nice and filled me up with good vibes. Soon I got up for good and we were ready to be on our way again.
I sat in the back, with her. She told me they were going nowhere when their car broke down, halfway there. He turned around and smiled at us. I understood exactly what that meant. I told them Kevin and I had been there, and this was our great escape from the nothingness we found. They both laughed and nodded their heads, and I knew they understood me too. Kevin was, I assumed, concentrated on driving.
It was still early when we went to the café. Kevin asked me something and I agreed; it turned out I had agreed on another stop. We went in for breakfast and the other girl sat next to him. I didn’t mind.
At first I didn’t know the new guys’ names and wanted to ask for them, but as the time passed I felt more and more embarrassed. When Kevin agreed to take them with us I didn’t pay attention to what they said. They were strangers joining our road trip and I could only hope they would leave us alone again soon. Kevin laughed at my worried face; said we left to have fun and this was what we were doing. Strangers, however, weren’t my idea of fun. He told me to loosen up. I locked myself inside my head and threw the key out of the car’s window.
But the unwelcomed seemed to have found it the next morning. I felt more and more drawn to him as my Kevin and his almost lover were getting closer to each other. So were we.
I’ll call him R, as I found out later what his name was, but it isn’t relevant to the story. In my head, he will forever be a black spot with a white R in the middle, like a milestone on the road. R was charming and smelled of new, of rain on the roof and instant coffee and freshly cut grass, and my quest for perfection stopped right there for a while. I didn’t want right or wrong anymore, I only wanted fading colours on walls that weren’t home. He told us he didn’t want to be anywhere else but on the open road with us, in the back of a café, writing future plans on a white napkin. He longed for the clean feeling that only being away from what hurts can bring. I wanted to know what hurt, but he said it’s different for everyone, so I could just think about my story for a while; in the end, it feels just the same. He had a story that he didn’t want to share, and while his friend and Kevin were fine with that, it left me curious and impatient. R laughed at me and said that mind-wandering is not the same as travelling; that mind-wandering would eventually tie my arms and legs together and force me to live inside, which was the thing that frightened him the most. I thought he was wonderful from a distance, but stubborn, untouchable and difficult to love, after all.
‘I just want to know who you are,’ I remember telling him.
‘Then get to know me,’ he said. ‘I don’t need to tell you complicated stories from the past. Look at me, absorb my words, my looks, my gestures. This is my only truth. All the rest are fractured realities with a taste of imagination. Osmosis.’
I tried to sleep that night, but nothing; and then everything, all at once. I was exhausted to the point of insomnia. So tired I couldn’t sleep, and so tired I couldn’t live. I turned around and R was sleeping peacefully next to his friend at my left. Kevin was in the back, fidgeting in his sleep. I was wide awake, no matter what, so I took my sweater and went outside. The air was stronger up there, which, for the first time, I didn’t mind. I lay on the grass, counting stars and rethinking the trip. I spent what must have been hours in the back of my head, with an imaginary bottle of red wine and dark sunglasses on as the stampede of what-ifs had its fun in front of me. Detaching was hard. All I could do was wait for them to pass me by. This time, the cold air and R’s words changed the usual. They were the new dreamscapes, the new voices, the new smells of wilderness and of unfamiliar perfume in my world. R’s words came roaring through my mind, loud and eccentric, like the black spot on my light-coloured map of life. They seemed to be screaming from the top of his lungs, in his strong voice, almost covering my own. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. R was different from me in a way that I couldn’t understand. He didn’t want to accept the burden of the definitions life had already given him, while I couldn’t think of myself in any other terms. I suppose we were like matching ends; he began where I ended, and the fine line between us were the limitations we couldn’t live with or without.
My head spinned for hours that night. I liked R and wanted to think of how to tell him that. Yet eventually I came to the conclusion that I only liked him because I wanted to be more like him. But it was going to take me time to learn, and time is nobody’s friend when they’re in a group. If I ever wanted to be like R, I had to detach from him and teach myself in silence from everything I was left with after being in his noisy presence.
The next morning, after we had breakfast, R and his girl told us they wanted to be on their own way again. We were in the craftsman’s village when they asked us to stop the car. They were going to stay there for the night and leave the following day. I asked them what their next stop would be; they both said they were still going nowhere, and laughed together. Kevin and I looked at each other and knew that it wasn’t real. She didn’t have a crush on him, as he didn’t have a crush on me. They were just a glimpse of another world, and every other world eventually becomes your own when you enter it. There’s an infinite number of worlds around us, as there are people and places and absurd possibilities. Worlds are born and destroyed all the time, sometimes in the same day, sometimes as soon as they are created.
Craving for new is very often pointless, for the new is rarely new and it almost never stays that way for long.
Kevin and I saw an illusion walking away from us and silently decided not to mention it again.

 

‘What would the main theme be?’ I finally asked him. I got bored of sitting in the car by myself.
‘Estrangement,’ he said without even blinking. ‘I’m happy you came back, I already know the beginning.’
I rolled my eyes. I was right, he knew too little about us.
Another few minutes passed until I grabbed Kevin, telling him that it was getting late and dark outside. I couldn’t wait to finally enjoy our trip like we should have from the start. The man waved goodbye and reminded me to return to see him. I, on the other hand, was determined not to, and thanked him but said that I wasn’t interested.
‘You should be,’ he told me. ‘It is, after all, a story about you.’
‘Me?’
‘Yes,’ he laughed, ‘you and you alone.’
‘I don’t understand. You said you were going to write about us.’
‘No, I said I was going to write about you. Look for me when you come back, will you?’
Kevin laughed at the strange man and so did I, but my mind suddenly changed. He was anxious to write a story about me and now I desperately wanted it, so I turned back and asked him to write it on the spot. He said he only knew the beginning for now. I said that would be perfect, so he smiled and said he would be right back, then went inside. Kevin was getting impatient but I asked him to wait. We had a quick lunch in the car, with our eyes fixed on the little house. Eventually, about forty minutes later, the craftsman came outside with a piece of paper folded in his hand and gave it to me. He told me to read it and come say hello on my way back; he would try to write some more. I was a different kind of muse, he said.
‘Different how?’ I asked as I put the piece of paper in my pocket.
‘You’ll read all I’ve figured out so far,’ he ended and waved goodbye again, while still close to me.
For a while, I didn’t feel like taking the paper out. I was terrified of what a man whose smile never seemed to fade could have written about a girl like me. Then there was the thrill of knowing that someone’s thoughts were resting, unseen yet, in my pocket. It gave me an energy that I had been lacking for a while. Kevin didn’t say anything. He was waiting for me to read my story and carry on with the day.
When we left the village, I took the paper out with both hands. We were driving with the windows down and the wind was strong. I had to tie my hair and hold the paper between my teeth. Kevin laughed; said to be careful, that we’re not going back for another one. I wondered what another one would have been like, in that case. Would the craftsman even write a new one? Would he change his mind in the meantime, and make the new one entirely different?

There are two strangers outside my house. They are strangers to each other. One is Ava, the one who doesn’t belong. She doesn’t want to be here, in The North; in her body. She doesn’t want to be in the presence of somebody else. She is next to her lover, a man she isn’t herself around. Ava is quiet and evasive. She has many secrets that she’s left in places she’s forgotten now, and all there’s left is bruised noise in an empty warehouse, deafening her; they’re all inside her, she just can’t remember how to reach them. Ava is irrational and seductive, like a blurred vision of a promised land. She is not the promised land; she is the blur. Ava doesn’t know she is a stranger; she thinks she is her lover’s lover when in fact, she has run out of love a long time ago. I tried to capture her soul and when I couldn’t, I thought I lost my ability to see beyond the surface and write about the essence. Ava is dust, floating around the air in sunlight. She is so soft, so easy, so lost she can’t be grabbed by the heart and drawn onto paper. She has run out of essence. She is a stranger to herself.


I like Ava. She is light and beautiful. I can see her at a jazz concert, her brown skinny fingers around a bottle of beer, her presence opening doors to another world. She is slowly moving through the aquarium of feelings she’s trapped in, or to the rhythms of music. She hasn’t caught fire yet, but she is already conscious of the blood pumping through her veins and her heavy, fearful heart. Men try to buy her another beer; she keeps dancing on her own. Soon, she is one with the night, unaware of the others. This is how I see Ava reunited with herself – playing her part like fire and water, burning on the inside, icy cold on the outside; a stranger to all but the lost and found self she is steadily moving into. As the water cools down, she begins to laugh with men and women at the bar, but her heart is still fast, still steaming. At her best, Ava is lovely, with no other boundaries than the ones she makes; at her worst, Ava has no roots and no substance. She is her lover’s lover without loving herself first, a light presence that has a hard time being present in her world, her time, her self. A mix of unrefined particles carried from here to there by her thoughts, like snow carried up into the air in wintertime.

I suddenly felt Kevin’s touch on my shoulder.
‘Well, what is it?’
‘I… it’s sharp prose.’
‘What is sharp prose?’ he asked, amused.
‘It’s the kind of prose that hits you, like a knife into the flesh. That’s how strong it comes.’
‘Oh.’
‘When you read it, when you write it, and when you live it.’ I lifted my head up and he was looking at me like maybe I had lost my mind reading it.
‘Give me that,’ he said, but I tore the paper in halves and threw it out. ‘What have you done that for?’
I put my head out the car’s window to take a deep breath and cool off. The wind was even stronger. Kevin’s hand was on my back, pulling me inside.
‘Do you want to go back?’ he asked in a serious voice.
I looked at him and thought that, no matter who our new friends were or what the craftsman thought about me, the last thing I wanted Ava and Kevin to be was strangers. It didn’t matter that sometimes, we were; maybe that was the beauty of it. Maybe that was also the truth, but I swear it felt milder. I was going to write a story too, I thought, and this time it was going to be about the two of us. Words have the power to change minds and hearts. Words change the world.
My smile was genuine after that. It was all it took to feel my heart get warmer; knowing that I, too, had the power to write sharp prose and reshape the world I belonged to.
‘Never,’ I said.
‘I’ll keep driving north then, close the window if it gets too cold. And tell me what that old man wrote about, will you?’
‘Never,’ I said again, and laughed.
‘I’ll have to get back and get my own story then,’ he smiled.
‘I’ll deal with yours. I’ll make it even better.’
The truth is, maybe some stories really aren’t meant to be read. Some you just write. Others, you share. And ours, for now, we live.

Five Beach Essentials – or Things You’d Love to Own!

I wrote this article during my digital marketing placement with a451, for FTT Global‘s blog. They posted it under their editor’s name, but I’m still pretty proud they loved it!

Five Beach Essentials – or Things You’d Love to Own! 

If the thought of dropping your favourite gadgets in the water always makes you think twice before hiding them in your beach bag, know that technology is working on your dreams. Here are five fantastic devices for that geeky summer holiday that everybody is going to like (on Instagram at least):

The most versatile camera in the world’s advanced version, the GoPro Hero 3+ Black edition, is smaller and lighter than its bestselling predecessor, has longer battery life and faster built-in Wi-Fi. For GBP 359.99 you get to have a play with the SuperView™ video mode, which captures a much wider angle perspective, and the Auto Low Light mode that intelligently adjusts frame rate for low-light performance. Other features include a sharper lens, improved image quality and audio – and did I mention it’s waterproof to 131’/40m? As they say – wear it, mount it, love it.

How do you feel about binge-watching your favourite TV show while working on your tan at the pool – or even better, in the water? You know you wanna, so Sony has created Xperia Z2, the slimmest and lightest tablet that stays waterproof for up to 30 minutes in fresh water. It’s available for USD 499.99 for a 16 GB built-in memory or USD 599.99 for 32 GB. Just remember to keep all of its ports and slots shut!

The iGills SE-35 Smart Diving System works two ways: first, the smartphone waterproof case protects your phone up to depths of 130 feet. Second, its integrated computer system syncs to your phone and provides computer functionality through six buttons on the outside of the case – next to depth, time and temperature sensors. Other features available are a digital compass, an emergency flashlight to see what’s under that rock, and underwater still photography, filming and instant sharing options. iGills also automatically generates a dive log when you hit the water –  it creates a dive event, stores your depth profile and links pictures and videos captured, so that once you’re back at the surface everything is organised. Media generated with iGills can be synced, posted or emailed directly from your phone before you’re even back on the boat. For USD 329.99 your iPhone gets to go amphibian!

Imagine underwater Google Glasses, only much more affordable than you’d think. At only GBP 119.99, Model 305 Hydra Series HD 720P is a dive mask with built-in camera that lets you take great hands-free photos and spend the rest of your money on your scuba diving trips. It’s even got a video mode, and the estimated battery performance is 2.0 hours of HD 720P video. The buttons are really easy to use with diving gloves, so all there’s left to say is: Happy snapping!

The cherry on top of the list is the American specially engineered Barbecue Dining Boat – you know, for when you go fishing and suddenly want a barbecue. The fully equipped grill  measures almost 12 feet in diameter and has a 24-inch steel charcoal grill and a 30-watt electric motor, capable of eight hours of continuous BBQ’ing. The ABS table has 10 place settings that each have plate and beverage holders and silverware tray. The nylon umbrella can be retracted when using the grill, so although it costs USD 50,000 there are no excuses to, well, not give it a thought or two at least.

The only thing that’s left now is to think where to go first. I’d suggest somewhere just as exotic as the new devices you’re going to be holding, like a natural swimming pool! Think Gunlom Plunge Pool in Kakadu National Park, Australia, or Grotta della Poesia in Italy. 

Organic Writing from the Cynical Diary of a Dreamer

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1AM, ripped jeans, black, fast cars, organic food, a cold beer, trip hop, grey areas, stubbornness, a puddle of mud, breezy weather, warm fingers up her thighs, street lights, dark curtains, milk spilled on the kitchen floor, up-on-the-counter sex, memories, frozen yoghurt, make up kit, white shirts, dawn, warmth, tenderness, silver lightning, eyes wide open,

a strange mixture of elements that work together against all odds,

perfection.

For a hot mess.

*

Forget your head for a second. Forget your heart. Forget your world. Make magic with me. Make yourself brand new but don’t let go of my hand, I know the secret words of spells and can whisper them to you if only you forget the place, the time, the definitions. I can make you disappear. You can make me crazier than I look. I am under no obligation to make sense to you, but I can make wild art to you in your red car all summer long.

*

I’m a visual creature, always looking for more mental breathing room.

                                                                                            Declutter.

I want you to stay.

*

In lazy ocean waves in the heat of summer and good vibes and wine and texts and car rides and films and spontaneity and chances and helping hands and kisses and missed calls and expectations and food orders and trips and night that never end; so much love I’m being sent and I don’t know how to honour it.

A bunch of troubled people who still give the best they can, a moment so intense it feels eternal, hopes lost and roundabouts and big decisions and moving boxes and houses and outcomes and life trajectories, like a girl version of Mr Nobody choosing possibility over lost possibility and asking herself what-if questions twenty four seven.

*

Neon lights and glasses of wine, noises and words and Garbage’s Run Baby Run, his hands, a whisper, body heat and kisses I never knew before tonight. Triviality and getting lost and living in the moment, the present is all that matters, always paddle your own canoe, sharp teeth and laughing sounds and special effects and too much to drink. Night after night and day after day until all the joy leaks out of my mind and I’m left alone with a cold Corona on a windy summer evening. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not close to anything. I’m floating, but I’m not airy and light and easy like a fucking Sunday morning. I’m a flock of questions marks flying back and forth and eventually in circles.

The writing on the wall is in ten-foot fluorescent orange letters. Get out.

Get out.

Get the fuck out of here.

Get out of my head.

Get out of me.

*

❝ Talk to me like I’m the night.
Everything you say will just be
swallowed up and I’m the only one
that will know, okay?
Tell me things only exhaustion
could coax out of you.

*

I don’t want to be the girl of your dreams. I want to be the girl of my dreams.

*

‘Stay for the good seconds,’ I tell myself and bite my lips and look outside, trying my hardest to take a trip outside my personal bubble and respect your point of view but the more I understand it the less I love you, and the more I want to cry for being so weak and you being so self reliant. I’m either alone or in great company but you are a great company and yet I’m always alone. Here, have my heart. Fuck you for having my heart.

The future is uncertain as it is and I want him to hold my hand, not because I can’t walk alone without him but because I’m giving him too much of me if I am with him.

*

❝ How odd, I can have all this inside me and to you it’s just words.

Iain Robertson – from Photoshop to BBC

I wrote this profile piece for The News in Portsmouth, for my Feature Writing unit back in second year, and for myself. Iain Robertson was my neighbour, friend and wonderful graphic designer, and I can’t wait to go back to Portsmouth and visit him. I don’t think this is a great piece, by the way. It’s just one of my first attempts, and I am very fond of it.

 

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Iain Robertson – from Photoshop to BBC

Iain Robertson started as a freelancer, as most artists. Photoshop was his white canvas and forums were his art exhibition space, until somebody remarked him – it was the BBC.
When you step into Iain’s house in Southsea, the first thing that hits you – literally – is his dog.
‘Oh, she’s nice,’ he says and tries to calm her down. He is very fond of her. I try to break the ice:
‘Is she a pitbul?’
‘Oh, yes,’ he winks.
I can’t help but wonder if I’ll even make it past the door.
Inside, the first thing I do is take a look around. It’s a very tidy, well-organized space. I must admit I expected a little less of the basement flat of a creative soul.
‘Coffee or tea?’ he asks me.
‘Tea,’ I say, ‘it’s too late for coffee.’
Iain looks surprised for a couple of seconds. ‘Oh, right. I don’t usually sleep at night, so…’
The dog, which I’m told is called Becky, trusted to guide me – by sinking her teeth into my shoe – into the living room. There, the walls hold too many Dr Who posters, the shelves too many Dalek model toys and figurines – and oh, there is a giant Tardis in a corner. I feel like Alice in Wonderland.
‘Sugar?’ Iain asks from the kitchen.

‘I’ve always been the artistic type. When I was a kid and, later, a teenager, I used to paint and draw a lot. I think this is how I became good at what I do – I never started and I never stopped, it’s been a part of me all along. I understood the compositional thing, the colour balance since very young.’
I have seen Iain’s work before, but I knew nothing about his past. He got his first good computer when he was 25, but it wasn’t until five years later that he tried to create digital art. In 2000, he gave Paint Shop Pro a try, but then he discovered Photoshop.
As he goes on about his first attempts, I take a closer look at him. His eyes sparkle and he is truly passionate about his work. Behind him there are three screens, all displaying his current work being retouched in Photoshop. Then there is a fourth screen on my left. He plays an episode of Dr Who and insists that I should watch it sometime. I find this a good time to get him to talk about it.
‘It was 2003 when the BBC announced bringing Dr Who back. It hadn’t been on TV for 16 years at that point, and there was a big buzz about it. I went online and joined the biggest forum, Outpost Gallifrey, that had an art work section. That’s where I started posting my Dr Who covers, and I started to get more and more people asking for copies. They said hey liked them more than the official ones, so it crossed my mind at that point that perhaps I should be doing those as well,’ he laughs.
Then, somebody from the BBC saw his work.

‘They asked me to go to London and have a chat with them, and this is how I ended up working with them. Once you do stuff for one company, you can use that for the second company,’ he explains. ‘Hi, I’m Iain, I’ve done this for… H. P. Lovecraft, Big Finish, Telos, Fantom Film… the BBC!”
‘I used to have a picture of me pushing a toy Dalek when I was two or three,’ he laughs. ‘Dr Who was on every week. It was a big part of every kid’s life. In the 70s it was very popular. In the 80s, when I was a teenager, people at school thought I was a nerd because I still watched it. I probably was.
‘I think I still am.’
The special effects used were what intrigued him the most.
‘I could imagine better representations, however. But now I make them!’
Young Iain would spend most of his free time reading science books, trying to understand what was real and what wasn’t.
‘My parents took me to London when I was very young. We went to the Natural History Museum, where the dinosaurs were. It just blew my mind! Everything I liked since then is pretty much about monsters and spaceships. I’ve never watched a football match in my life for longer than ten minutes.’
At the moment he is working at an Eurovision song contest book cover. He shows me other books. I quickly check the back cover and indeed, there is his name. He notices me and smiles.
‘I still make Dr Who DVD covers too, about five each month,’ he says and shows me a few.

Iain’s day job is at Priory School, Portsmouth.
‘I love it. The kids are nice and I get most of my day off,’ he laughs.
I remember his sleep pattern. Iain takes a nap when he gets home from work, then spends most of his night working.
‘I can do with four, five hours of sleep. I know most people can’t, but I can.’ ‘What’s the best thing about working with kids?’ I ask.
‘Oh, the Dr Who club I run for them, of course,’ he smiles. ‘It’s very popular, almost as popular as the athletics one. Especially among girls, but that’s probably because they like the new doctor.’

Beginning’s End

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Ah, the beginnings of my journalism course, and now — the ending. There are my first journalism attempts at The News, Portsmouth, and my last academic writings. University, you’ve been a crazy ride, and I loved you. Most of the time.

How to Sneak Out of Your Second Story’s Window

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November rain is cutting through the stillness of the day, as a reminder for them to be present – a reminder that they are finally together, even without much to say, and that maybe they shouldn’t drift apart from each other yet.
It’s still early, and conversation is hard to hold. Their voices are breaking too often. They sound nervous and uneasy, like cold, timid souls clinging to their comfort zones. Nobody can tell they used to be lovers, and they can’t tell if they are ever going to be lovers again.

But she looks at him like he is glowing. His presence is the small bliss of her morning. He leans back in his chair, arms folded behind his head, and watches her drawing patterns on the table with the tips of her fingers. She is surprised to find him grinning, not knowing he is remembering her drawing circles with her fingers across his back. He always liked to watch her draw – and she was always in a rush to start or finish a sketch, from what he remembers – and wondered where she got her ideas from. The few times he asked, she turned around, her soft brown hair curled like smoke in the air, shrugged and put on a naive face that filled him up with feeling, like warm water rising up his body. A face she put on many times, to protect answers she didn’t want to give; and he went back to his novels, and his plans about how it was going to be. It was, of course, going to be wonderful, he thought every time. But since he came back, he realised he doesn’t know how to pick up the pieces anymore. He wants to tell her about everything he saw in his journeys, all the experiences he had and all the people he met and all the towns he got lost in only to come out as a cleaner, better, stronger man. This was, after all, why he left in the first place, but now that he is back he doesn’t know where to begin to make the puzzle where his life out there and their life back here fit together nicely, creating the wonderful picture he dreamt of so many times.

The coffee warmed her entire body. She likes watching the brown sugar melting into her drink, and the hot steam rising up from it. It’s half eight in the morning and, if on most Saturdays she’d rather be asleep this early, this Saturday is special. She fought the magnetic pull to crawl back to warmth and dreams and splashed her face with tap water from the kitchen sink. During all those months she daydreamed about him coming back, about the rumble of his car and his enormous backpack with maps and diaries and perhaps little gifts for her poking out. He would have buttoned up a white shirt and wore a smile for her, as if those months of being away only served to prove how strong they were. But instead, she woke up to find him in a café near the train station, and they are sitting quietly in a cloud of smoke. At first, she felt anxious and wanted to ask him lots of question; but she has been waiting for too long to stain their first date with stupid meaningless words and reveal the nothingness that’s been filling the air everywhere she went. She’s been counting down months to be here, and she wasn’t going to ruin it. In the end, what she always loved most about them as a couple was how they didn’t need artificial smoothness to be comfortable around each other. She thought their silence must be the proof that that was back; and then refused to think about it anymore.

Little over a year ago, she lived for nothing else but their world and her art. She was amazing at erasing the contours of her real life and infusing herself with magic. She sprinkled their world with high hopes every morning and got him used to goodness, and he saw her as a different kind of explorer – the kind that could soften abrupt beginnings and loose ends, escape wanderlust, avoid exorcising the abstract inside because she could embrace the unknown. She was wonderful in a warm and meaningful way that he always admired and secretly envied. She was kind, easygoing and peaceful to watch at work. She’d paint sunlight and shades, and skin and words and light, and every time she showed him another finished canvas it felt like Christmas day. Later in their dating days, she told him that he makes her come alive as a wilder creature than she’s ever imagined herself to be. But as much as part of him wanted her to be that, more of him wanted her to stay the same beautiful, blue-eyed, calm girl he fell in love with at the fun fair near the ocean. When he decided he was going to leave for a while, it was the first time he saw her upset, angry and, above all, scared. She begged him to stay; told him about all the plans she’d made in her head and never dared to share with him. He laughed quietly to himself, and she thought he laughed at her plans but what he laughed at were his. He knew that going away was selfish and, after all, stupid, but he was not going to wait another year. Something told him that she was still going to be there. That she was still going to be here. But like the guy who said you can’t stand in a river at exactly the same place twice, he somehow knew he was never, ever going to find the same beautiful, blue-eyed, calm girl he fell in love with at the fun fair near the ocean again.

Her soul was far from her shore too, but in a different way. Her paintings speak for her – they are like marbles thrown up into the air. She leaves you wandering and working out the pattern, and moves on to the next one. He never understood them, but liked them all. They were beautiful and incomplete and strange – just like her, and he knew he could fall in love with her a thousand times, once for every new painting and new bit of soul that she’d reveal. He liked her mysterious nature and her love for open endings and multiple interpretations. He wasn’t like that; he was a planner, a doer. She was like water, running down his fingers and dripping from his skin to the ground. He didn’t like their silence; he was losing her in between minutes and November rain.

Her finger tips are still lightly pressing down onto the table, like they used to dig their nails into his arms. He clenches his fists.
‘I’m really happy to see you,’ he finally says.
He knows he’s fighting against one year and four months, but feels determined to drag her back into the story. Although, none of them is any longer in it. They both have new stories, and to leave them for an old, unfinished one is to dangerously rewind time and thoughts. But her eyes sparkle, and he can’t think of parallel lines anymore. They are finally here, together. This has to be the one that leads to infinity, with them on it.
‘I don’t know what to say to that,’ she answers. ‘I’m happy to see you too, but this feels so much like a dream. It’s like you’re going to vanish in a minute, and I’ll be left staring at happiness particles floating into the air like confetti.’
‘Mel, I am back,’ he says softly, ‘and I am not going to vanish unless you ask me to, and maybe not even then. I’m ready now to share everything with you, and I want you to share everything with me.’
She puts the mug back onto the table and lets out a big heavy sigh.
‘I haven’t got as much to share as you. This would be unfair –’
‘No, it wouldn’t.’
‘To me.’
‘Oh.’
‘The more you’ve lived and the more you have to tell me, the less I feel that my paintings still mean anything to anyone other than me. It’s an indescribable feeling – to let imaginary worlds form onto paper and then pretty them up, but that’s all I can do. Frankly, it’s all I want to do, too. ‘
He watches her lips moving, fascinated.
‘You wouldn’t know this, though, because you’re a traveler; but I’m not, and I haven’t got much to say.’
‘Listen, we’ll tie up the loose ends. I’ll make a rope or a ladder – don’t laugh – and come rescue you from negativity. I’m back, just like I said I’ll be. You can take your colours with you, I’ll take the maps and albums and we’ll build something beautiful out of photographs and imaginary corners of the world. I’ll tell you all the stories and you’ll paint them, and somebody will feel inspired and write purple, poetic prose about all this. It’ll be like reinventing the wheel, but make it even greater. What do you say?’

She doesn’t really say anything. She drinks her coffee and nervously suggests that they go for a walk. What he doesn’t know is that for her, it’s getting late and her boyfriend is waiting to have breakfast together downtown, before his book signing at their favourite library. It was there where she met him. He thought she was the most beautiful woman in the room, and after the speech he invited her for coffee the next day. She blushed, but thought of her boyfriend and, in a firm voice, said she doesn’t have coffee with strangers. He didn’t seem to like her answer, so she had to add that she liked his new book nevertheless – which was true, anyway. His face then brightened up and he said that reading a book is like drinking a coffee with the author, and vice versa. She couldn’t think of another excuse.
He holds the door open for her and the sun hits him in the face. She makes a joke about how unpredictable the weather is, and he tries to laugh. The broad daylight makes everything that took place inside feel rather surreal and embarrassing. It’s still cold, and she slips her hands into her pockets. He wanted to hold her hand, but wasn’t quick enough, so gives up on that thought. Her face looks fresh and beautiful and he can’t think of anything smart to say. After a short and awkward silence, she moans about the low temperature and suggests they could meet up after lunch. He agrees and she kisses him on the cheek, then turns right and quickly walks away, checking her phone. He almost wants to follow her home, on the short narrow streets he used to know so well, but doesn’t. Instead, he walks down to his red car in the otherwise empty car park, crashes in the driver’s seat and lights up a cigarette. He has to think of a way to win her back before midday, and before another man sweeps her off her feet with better words and better plans than his.

*

Every concern Mel had during the time he was away was magnified by being unable to contact him. She made herself a promise that she wouldn’t try to find him and she kept it throughout the one year and four months he was gone. At night she would lie awake, making up strange scenarios in her head. Sometimes, he returned and asked her to leave with him. Other times, he didn’t even return; he would have found his inner peace somewhere in Asia, or South America, and she never saw him again. Most times he came back, after one year or maybe two, and pretended nothing happened, nothing changed. She would then have to make a decision, and it would be a tough one, so she secretly hoped that either the first scenario would come true, and quickly, or the second one.

As much as she tried to forget, something inside her kept burning with a low blue flame next to the memory of him. Every now and then, she had a lot of short, bright flashlights in her heart – like a lighthouse reminding her that, no matter how much she tries to swim her way out of the best story she’s ever lived, she is never far after all. It was like swimming around in circles. Maddening. And full of hope.

Mel was alive and sometimes, life hurt. At first she would simply snuggle up on the sofa and close her eyes, reaching back to catch hold of the girl who embodied all the strength she thought she’d have in this life. It didn’t take long to know that it was all a lie. She never lived up to becoming the hero of her childhood’s dream. She was like every other woman – in love, and unable to be light. But unlike most women, her burdens were eased by the openness and intensity flowing through her veins. Strangely, she never thought of this. until she met Adrien.

On their first date, she wore a blue dress that fell to just above her knees. He thought she was glowing and never suspected that she might be unhappy. In fact, it was when he told her that the way she spoke sounded like a love letter to life that she realised he had won her over. Many women fancied him; he was a handsome, charming author driving a 1970s Mercedes. There wasn’t room for many doubts. But most importantly, she thought, he wasn’t going anywhere, and was as serious about life as he was about his prose, which is unusual for a young writer. As the night went on, her regrets became more soluble and her unfading smile, more genuine. Their first time together was promising and she sincerely liked him. As he drove home, he could still feel the taste of her cherry red lipstick and the way her smile forms on his lips. In a world where his people and his gods have been slowly but surely dethroned, one by one, he could for the first time reinvent divinity by covering the outside with the inside. And she was all over.

Curled up in her bed, late that night, she thought of painting again, packaging the blogged novels she’d been writing and buying a car of her own – all while gazing at the map of the world glued to their wall.

The Girl Who Could Be Queen

The old wooden staircase, the black bricks in the wall and the large plants on the sides of the stairs, all gave Mel the chills when she first entered the building. Coming to see him for the first time already felt too real, and she had to fight the urge to leave him waiting one more time. Her body felt heavy, as if wrapped in layers of questions and blank spaces she couldn’t shed for she knew she’d find them again at the top of the staircase – the questions, wearing his perfume, and the blank spaces, hers.
When in between two floors she hesitated again, she slid down the wall and took a notebook out of her tartan bag. She opened it carefully and placed it on her knees, gathering her hands into fists and squeezing with full force.

 

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You know me by now, it said on the left page next to a drawing, I don’t know how to deal with grey areas. I want either intense black – like a crust over the world to keep me safe in the dark, or unstained white – like the oak flooring in my little studio flat. Like the white canvas of the new beginning. Like the friendly what-ifs that don’t put full stops to my stories yet.
She breathed in and looked up. Somebody was coming down the stairs. She could hear heavy footsteps getting closer and closer to where she was.
But does anybody paint colours anymore?
She took a brief, hurried look at her drawing and smiled at the feeling she got back. It was the sketch of a person in a field, with the stars and the moon going through their chest and out their back to the sky. Every time she looked at it she felt immediately connected to her world – so much hers that it couldn’t be shared with anybody else, not even through good writing. Words are sometimes mere reflections of things that can’t be contoured; force them out and you end up with a shapeless ink stain on your blouse, over your beautiful wild heart.

Her breath became fiery again. She got up and took a few shaky steps, pushing the notebook back into the bag.
On his way downstairs, Gary bumped into her. He was surprised to find someone in the hallway. It seemed to be silent when he locked the door.
‘Hey there, stranger,’ he said, smiling at her with kindness. ‘Do you live here?’
She glanced at him and quickly looked away. She was the kind who valued going internal so much that it was always hard to unzip her skin and step out into the storm again.
‘Nah, I’m here to visit my…’
She seemed a little unsure to him.
‘My boyfriend, I suppose,’ she then mumbled.
Gary thought about it a little, not taking his eyes off of her. The girl in front of him seemed stubborn and a little confused, but stubborn anyway; as if she knew what she was there for without having convinced herself that it was the best decision.
‘I see. Well, since you’re not sure what he is to you, let me just ask you a question before you tell that to him – you might not want to. So, what is it that you want him to be to you?’
‘Ah, the answer to this question always trips me up,’ she smiled.
‘Yeah, they say that women don’t know what they want,’ he laughed and looked at his watch.
‘No, it’s not that,’ she continued, without having noticed that he checked the time. ‘I just don’t really want anything in general, and I definitely don’t want anything at all from him. This alone makes it a hard question to answer to.’
She had a nice feeling at the sudden and quiet remembering of her troubled days, when meeting strangers in pubs and talking over beers for hours happened often enough to remind her of the beauty of the unknown – often dressed up as handsome men carrying half full glasses to her table.
Gary had another four minutes to get to the end of the street and meet Olivia. He could spare another two.
‘That’s nothing you hear too often. Did he bore the hell out of you?’
‘I guess you can say that. He kept trying to trick me with cocktail parties. I’ve almost lost touch with who I am.’
He refrained from asking who she was.

‘Most people are on their way to sorting their lives out by making decisions and stuff, shouldn’t you be doing the same – away from those you already know you don’t want?’
‘Yeah, but that isn’t always me.’

Gary was tall, had short brown hair and green eyes, intelligent eyes of the kind that Mel couldn’t read but wouldn’t stop staring at. And she loved that. He was wearing a suit and a briefcase, which also intrigued her, but she didn’t ask any questions.
‘Are you trying to figure me out as we speak?’ he laughed, and she realised she liked the sound of his laughter.
He realised he liked her seemingly laid-back nature.
‘Not at all,’ she said. ‘I’m not looking to label you in one of the categories of people I’ve met so far. I don’t do boxes, frames and happy endings. I’d love to know a few things about you, but only the things that you want to put on the table. What you decide it’s relevant about you is probably the most relevant of all.’
Gary felt lost for a second, and wondered who her boyfriend was. But he only had about a minute left, so he decided to ask her something more personal instead – if she ever felt like a fraud on her bad days.
‘No, never. You are just as strong as you exhibit. When I’m weak, I’m weak. That’s how strong I am at that very moment. We’re different people at different times. That’s why I don’t believe in figuring each other’s every detail out.’

She said that with a smile, from as far as he could remember, and waved goodbye to him before running up the stairs.

 *

Olivia was angry, but tried not to show it. She knew that Gary would eventually notice and talk her through it without her explicitly asking for it. Yet surprisingly, he didn’t. He seemed lost for words and walked with her with his eyes fixed on the ground.
‘Baby? Is everything okay with you?’ she asked, worried that he might have had reflected at their last argument.
Olivia was light and easy. She wanted to enjoy life without getting in too many troubles, and knew that sometimes Gary liked to start fights on her shallowness in his attempt to change her. She desperately wanted to avoid him going in too deep again.
‘Yeah, yeah, I’m okay. Listen, tonight has been a little stressful for me – family problems and all – so I might be quieter than usual. Let’s just try to have a good time together. What do you want to do?’
‘I don’t know… it’s hard to think of something on the spot. It’s very cold too.’
‘I’m only asking you where you want to go for dinner and drinks, Olivia.’
Olivia frowned and let go of his hand to scratch her head. He looked at her face and didn’t like the confusion she showed.
She could be queen, I suppose, Gary said to himself, so bright and bold and stunningly beautiful – but she chose to be fun instead. The kinda girl who thrives on sunlight, dystopian novels and bubble gum. I hope she never rules the world, I hope she never rules her world. I hope she always stays friends with chaos and lets others draw the lines, for I bet she never even sees them. Boundaries can’t keep her safe, can’t keep her at all. Nothing exists until you acknowledge it. She doesn’t need control, she wouldn’t even know what it does.

 *

This is impossible, he thought. This is exciting!
The second time she entered the building, she’d had her inner lights flashing up for days and nights. She ran all the way up to the top floor and knocked heavily on his door. What was she thinking? She wasn’t. She didn’t need to. When she trusted her senses, she became a lighthouse for herself and could never stray away. Nobody ever questions a lighthouse. She had no doubts in her mind.
He’d had troubles concentrating on the most mundane tasks. Every now and then, he’d be making connections or linking ideas – unrelated to their encounter, of course, when the memory of her suddenly showed up in between them. Then, just as quickly, it vanished the way her real persona did that night.
‘Hello,’ she said standing at the door, swinging a leg. ‘I’ve been missing you a little, so I thought I’d come see you.’
‘But we’ve only met once, haven’t we?’ he tried to laugh. ‘By all means though, have a seat,’ he said, choking on his words, and pointed at the burgundy leather desk chair.
‘Actually, we’ve spent hundreds of hours in my head,’ she chuckled softly a moment later, spinning in his chair, ‘being amazing. If only you could log in and watch. Gary, right? I saw your name on the door.’
From the outside looking in, it was just another brightly lit room. Behind its closed windows, two silhouettes seemed to be having a good time. But on the inside, eclipses and short circuits were taking place. His heart was racing, hers was thunderous by nature, but stopped the storm to catch her breath in between words.
He didn’t know what to say to her, other than mumble a ‘How do you do this…?’
She looked him in the eyes and remembered how much she liked him –

‘My imagination alone is enough to pour dynamite in my veins…’
‘Then why are you here?’
‘…to add some extra sparkle.’

– but didn’t know quite know how to say it to him.

Thoughts and Spaces

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Summer

 

During their first month of dating, he was so dazzled that he often had to ask
‘What are you made of?’,
and his eyes were always wide and hungry.
She would only smile and say
‘I have no idea!’,
and kiss him with hot burnings lips.

Indeed, her body felt like a flame dancing between his palms. Loving Mel had always been like playing with fire – but instead of burning him alive, she burned it all clean. She was consuming, and he was hallucinating. For as long as he loved her, everything on the inside of him turned into an empty room with white walls, sunlight blazing through soft curtains onto the wooden floor and a vision of her, spinning around barefoot in his favourite white and navy striped shirt.

He thought he was in love when he was only on his way to it. All her combinations of twenty six and spaces eventually sounded like a seductive ‘Behold, I’m showing you a mystery’. They found him still young and curious, like when he was twelve and went to a dockyard for the first time, excited at the promise of a tangible infinity. She was his ship, his dockyard and his sea now. After all, she was in his arms, like an exclamation, like an open road to forever, like a reality that if ever lost, he would have had to make back up again.

And his summer bloomed out of her tight grips.

Unlike other women he knew, she seemed more than sweet beginning and bitter endings, the only moments that shone. She was content, she was aflame, she was real every step of the way, every day of the unending summer. Whenever he touched her, her skin had the same temperature and every time she spoke, her voice sent the same shivers down his spine. He wanted to decipher her, but she was one of those magnetic people that you would never dare to ask where they take their magic from, because they would look genuinely surprised and simply ask back, ‘What magic?’ She was so alive in his hands that he believed in her force, and her strength, and everything that came out of her mouth. Even her silent presence could fill his voids with an energy that blocked any further thinking or doubting. She was truth, a suave, urban, elegant truth that allowed no what-ifs and no lies a man can tell himself to forget a woman.

‘I can’t imagine myself going anywhere where there is no trace of you,’ he told her one night in July.
She nodded and smiled, while flickering through the pages of his words albums.
‘Happiness can be found anywhere,’ she said. ‘You only have to look for me.’
‘Is that so?’ he laughed.
‘Listen, I like your stories and the way you collect and group them. I find these files fascinating. Why do you write like this?’
‘Like what?’
‘Like the world is going to end tonight!’ she smiled. ‘Your words come out so strong, I feel like reading fireworks shapes into the night sky; and you are more of a cloud, darling.’
‘Am I?’
‘Well yes, you live like you’d rain on every parade if I wasn’t there to smile your way out, don’t you? I dare you to say it isn’t so.’
‘Oh.’
‘In your stories, you leave no room for daydreaming. You explode!’ she laughed, and he knew she was laughing at him. ‘But I’ve seen you at parties, at the local store, at night time binge eating. You are not a man of such extremes. So why do you write like this, hm?’
‘I might just like writing as much as I like you,’ he surprised himself saying.
‘Oh, explain that to me.’
‘Well, writing is like loving you – it comes from a place so deep inside that there can only be truth in it.’
And I think I like who I am there, a lot, he thought.
She smiled for a while, and eventually said, ‘I like the very best of you.’
‘But what about the worst?’
‘Ah, but who needs that? I don’t want it, and you don’t like it.’
He raised his eyebrows and opened his mouth to say something, but she stopped him.
‘Be who you are beneath the bullshit,’ she winked.

In the ‘now what?’ time of the night, when she was asleep in his bed, he slowly moved his hand towards her. She moaned a little, then went back to her dreamscapes.
If he learned anything from her, was that everything heals under the energy of passion. Energy that doesn’t move is dangerous, and he was the living breathing proof of that. She was a small war, fighting for and against everything in her world, always exhausted at the end of the day. She dreamed in colours and fidgets and sounds, while he lay awake next to her, struggling to find the words to define and sort out the chaos. He always came out barehanded, but found himself wrapped in a veil that carried her smell. He could then rest assured that a gloriously free-spirited woman had chosen to spend her nights with him. This could only mean that he was worthy in her eyes. Fears couldn’t creep up his spine like spiders any longer, and only then he could sleep. In the morning, his silent war was all gone.
His biggest fear was a sudden death-by-mundaneness, a sharp knife that life would twist in his flesh at any moment as a final defeat, before they even had the chance to inspire each other. He had never praised cynicism until he became it; and his stories about superheroes and Mel’s approval were his only escapism from apathy.

 

Winter

 

‘Don’t you have a world to see?’ she snapped, then paused to think. ‘But your gift is turned inwards,’ she continued in a steady voice, ‘no wonder the flow of your life is backed up. You really don’t have a world to see, do you? You just sit here and group your stories that nobody gets to enjoy anyway.’
‘Mel, writing is like this. You wouldn’t know, you only live.’ he groaned.
‘That’s not true, I write too,’ she said and lightened up again, as if sadness was never on her list.
‘You write? What do you write? And how is it possible that you’ve never shown me anything?’
‘Ah, but don’t get me wrong. I don’t write like you. You live through writing and only live a fraction of the life you could be living. I only write a fraction of the time I have in this life…’
‘But why haven’t you shown me?’ he cried.
‘Because you write beautifully, and I write hurriedly. But even so, I understand writing. I just don’t understand you.’
‘That wouldn’t matter to me. Did you ever write a piece about me?’
‘Of course not, I don’t write about people. I write about the sensual experiences that I have.’ she smiled.
‘The what?’
‘Paintings, open fields, houses on the South coast, morning light and shadows on my skin. The way such things feel to me. And you know what not writing about you makes me feel?’
‘What?’
‘Light,’ she smiled. ‘You are so dark, like your dashboard lights went out. I feel like I have torrents of light coming out of my skin. Like I could throw off sparks over the whole world. So I wrote those bright little descriptions of things that make me joyous. You write fantastic stories, but they only make me sad. If that’s the goal of writing, then you’re a terrific writer, but I’d rather keep it on the bright side of life. Do you know what they say about photography?That if you want to know what somebody loves the most, you should look at what they photograph. I suppose you can say the same about writing. You value the intensity of one’s misery, crave for other worlds, love complexity.’ She paused again to look at him and smile to herself. ‘Guess I just like the open highway of my life.’

It was cold that night, windows closed all over the city. He could only think of pinning her down with his body and pretend that she was his.

He didn’t know how to say to her that he felt like a void disguised into a man, a man who sought to sew wings to his back with her blood and bones as thread and needle to fly away from his own nothingness. But of course, even if he knew how to say it, he would have never said it, because he knew the power of unwanted words. Hers, for example, reminded him of being in a hotel room in a beautiful European capital, where whatever they went through and whatever they did, they still had to return to their room, and the wallpaper dispersed with heavy words all the beauty they might have gathered in their souls. Death by mundaneness, and stabbed by her.

He always knew that the intensity of his sadness was something he had chosen himself, as a substitute for the intensity of the happiness he couldn’t put his finger onto. He had to bring himself to feel something, so that he could write and that he could live. It was hard for him to love her, he then realised, and he probably never really did. She was fluid, poetic and a little crazy, his ideal self’s kind of woman; but much as he tried to be that, he never was. He only let her touch his writings, because she was clean and beautiful and light, like ready to vanish into thin air but still going through his most precious possessions on the floor of his bedroom. But she wasn’t more than the illusion of a promise made to him, by someone he almost invented. He was fascinated with her beautiful being bursting with energy, but never forgot that his could only come out as words onto paper, or loving her – and that had suddenly revealed itself under the shape of a question mark.

That night, he asked her, ‘But do you love me?’

and didn’t let her look away.

She said ‘Of course’,

but said it so quickly that she sounded like somebody else.

Either way it was hard to define who she was, because from the first glow of summer – their first date – to the coldest night of the year, she had been a storm of a girl, a June to December, a back and forth sway between everything he ever believed in and everything he still rejected. This made her highly attractive for the extremist hidden deep inside him and highly deceptive to the sad man holding her messy blonde hair on a winter night.

‘But I can’t love you,’ he finally said, ‘How do I make it work…?’

Her eyes were beautiful, and a little restless, like the eyes of a little girl who had to go on vacation with her family when her pet was sick. She seemed to have nothing to add to that, and he couldn’t stop thinking that from then on, Mel would become more and more of a memory in the next year. A memory so alive, that it would almost have a life of its own, but still a memory.

After all, it was high time for him to admit that she was never more than a movie trailer playing in the dark, a neon sign that read ‘Exit’ glowing in a bar, his favourite singer’s voice fading at the end of his favourite song.

‘Talk to your demons,’ she said a little later. ‘Some of them are really nice. I’d like to have a chat with them one day.’

Making writing more visible; a question mark

As part of my degree, we are asked to design and produce a magazine in InDesign, so I went on ISSUU a couple of times to look at other people’s work and get some inspiration for my spreads. On one such occasion I came across what I found to be a great article, and although my intention was to focus purely on the layout I couldn’t stop reading. It talks about the reasons why writers and their work are often overlooked and what writers and publishers can do to improve the image of books. I’ll be honest, it made me jealous that I wasn’t the one who wrote it, so I tweeted Jonathan McAloon and asked him for permission to publish it on my blog. I hope they inspire you as much as they inspired me to rethink the whole process. Enjoy!

 

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Vanity Publishing (i):

BOOKS NEED TO GET VAINER if they are to compete with the suave digital innovations of the book trade. Books need to care about their physical appearance.

I recently went to the Newcastle Launch of Richard Milward’s new novel,Kimberly’s Capital Punishment at the TynesideCinema. Richard is a Middlesbrough writer whose debut novel Apples(2007) earned him the moniker of ‘enfant terrible’ when he was twenty two. After a reading from his new book (which was enough to demonstrate his wonderful surreal lyricism) there was a screening of the author’s favourite film, Polanski’s Repulsion. But the star of the showMilward’s novel – the object itself – which was on sale in a limited edition format.Milward calls Kimberly‘a multiple choice novel.’ The protagonist dies half way through and the reader is invited to roll a dice to determine which of six possible endings/ afterlives awaits.The limited edition has no front or back cover – it is unbound – and instead fits intosomething more like the sleeve of a vinyl. There are three hundred of these available, each having been decorated with drawings by Milward himself. The standard paperback was not to be published until weeks later.

If you are like me and love physical books, something like Kimberly should give you hope.This is how print is responding to digital. And digital, for all its ease and cost-effectiveness, can’t give you somethingthis beautiful.Books that care about their appearance are the way forward.

But I’m faced with a problem straight away. I desperately want to read Kimberly – it has been designed to whet a reader’s appetite – but it is so beautiful I don’t want to spoil it. And because of the bespoke aspect; one of a few made with one-off artwork from the author, part of me wants to keep it pristine forever, never touching it. It is s a collector’s item of the future. I know that I will wait for the paperback to come out so that I don’t feel like I’m besmirching a piece of art.

But I also know that the only way books can fight digital is by being better objects – ones like Kimberly.Lee Brackstone, Milward’s editor at Faber, has blogged: ‘If literary publishers are to survive, not only as arbiters of taste, but as the connective tissue between authors and readers, each and every book and the world we create around it must be invented anew.’

Every book must be invented anew. Here is something for budding writers to think about.

Brackstone’s aesthetic is shared by Visual Editions, an independent publisher who produce striking books where authors collaborate with designers. They think ‘books should be as visually interesting as the stories they tell,’and are behind the latest novel by Adam Thirlwell: a young writer who, like Milward, has been called an enfant terrible. At twenty four, he was put on the noughties’Granta list of twenty best young British novelists before his debut Politics was published. Kapow!, his fourth book, is set against the Arab Spring. To follow the revolution readers have to ‘revolve’ the book this way and that to read columns of text printed in different directions. Here is a book whose appearance comes directly from the way it is intended to be read. A book like this is beautiful but it is clever as well – it has a strategy. It can’t be called an advertising gimmick because it is implicated in the form of the book. The author and the publisher are of one mind.

A book isn’t there to inspire reverence but to encourage reading. From now on, books need to be beautiful but above all tactile. Authors and publishers need to think of ways to make books attractive throughout the read – on the inside pages as well as the covers. The idea of the one-off / limited edition run encourages the ownership of books as objects but gives digital the upper-hand as far as practicality is concerned. The idea of books that you wouldn’t dare touch could in some way speed the obsolescence of print that people are fighting against. At the moment, the literary world is predicting and fearing a future where physical books are the passion of a handful of antiquarian connoisseurs whileeveryone else uses an e-reader because it is ‘cheaper’ and ‘easier.’  But for me, and for many other book lovers, the beauty of physical books is the way they bear witness to having lived and having been read. There is that old cliché that a which smells like a book and is scrappy with underlinings and notes has a personality. What we really mean is we have personalised it. But this has always been the case: a book’s having a personality won’t save it from digital. It has to start being more proud of the way it looks, too.

Vanity Publishing (ii):

WRITERS NEED TO GET VAINER and learn to be better performers. Why is there no such thing as a rock star author?

In most of the arts there is an expectation that the artist will involve themselves in the PR side of their art as well as the work itself. Visual Artists, actors or musicians get to create public personas in order to transmit their art to an audience or in some way continue to influence it once it leaves their hands. Tuner Prize winning potter Grayson Perry often makes public appearances as his female alter-ego Claire. This isn’t seen as a separate eccentricity but as part of the way you view his work. Similarly, David Bowie adopted a number of personae who either enacted or represented the subject matter of his music, and Prince starred in films which created a mythology alongside the discography. This approach adds a new dimension whereby the art comes to life, and somebody who listens to an album or goes to see a concert lives the art too.

But writers?

Writers are traditionally thought to be the most introspective of artists. Whether this is true or not of every single writer, most in the past century have abandoned the process of their art once they send their manuscript to their publisher. It is the in-house design and marketing brains who sell their art. Instead of using their imaginations to come up with a brilliant promotional strategy which issues directly from the artistic vision of their book, they do a few readings or interviews around the country. No wonder literary fiction doesn’t sell.And faced with introverts that have to be minded, I understand why it is difficult to find an author who inspires six-figure confidence from publishers. It is, after all, the author who gets the contract, not just the book. The author is expected to write more books after that, and better ones.

The problem stems from a couple ofoutmoded beliefs.

One is that caring about how one’s art is sold is vulgar / beneath artistic seriousness. Lord Byron could have made a killing when Childe Harold came out in 1812, but accepting payment for one’s writing was seen as ignoble: for hack professionals. Byron’s publisher got rich instead. That was two hundred years ago. But though writers have for a long time admitted they need the money, I believe there’s a blood-memory of something which gets in the way of them picturing their books as objects.

Another is the old cliché of art not speaking for itself: Style over Substance. But ‘style’ has always meant something quite different in fiction. Style is the way prose is written and conceived; a way of seeing and thinking. This comes included in the book’s marrow, it’s ‘substance.’ But even in the more popular use of style – the vanity of the thing – there are some issues which must be addressed. Even with the David Bowie / Ziggy Stardust continuum – Bowie at his most physically extravagant – one never got the impression that he was ‘style over substance’. His ‘substance’ was great, but the ‘style’ was a catalyst for the substance: it was part of appreciating the songs. Like with great prose writers, style in the hands of a true artist is a double helping of substance.

So who can be called the Bowie of writing? Who has such a detailed performance style? (Bret Easton Elis?Let’s not bother, eh?) Philip Roth likes to perform – manipulating a reader’s desire for biographical information is one of his constants – but even then the performance always presents him as a catty, private person who doesn’t understand or sympathise with the need to know the man behind the work. For Roth, anyone who expects to find the juicy gossip they desire is missing the point: writers fictionalise themselves professionally. Even the truth is part of the fiction. You have to look far back indeed if you want to find a rock star author.

You’d be surprised. This rock star author was an Anglican vicar in the eighteenth century and his name was Laurence Stern.

Sterne wrote a couple of novels. The title of his most famous can be abbreviated to TristramShandy: a long fictional autobiography which ends beforeTristram is an adult – so concerned is the narrator with telling us everything that made him who he is. It is full of digressions, diagrams and references to the author’s public reception – i.e loads of playful ‘meta’ stuff. TristramShandywas a massive success. Sterne cultivated an association between himself andtwo of his characters:Tristram, a Yorkshire gentleman ( hisZiggy); and Yorick, a bawdy clergyman and the star of his next novel (his Thin White Duke). Sterne even published his serious sermons as Yorick. When Sterne died people wrote obituaries to his characters, too. But this kind of thing was more commonplace than you’d think. In the eighteenth century people often published under personae as well as pseudonyms. But it is the way things are fed from the fiction into the real world and vice versa that interests me.

In 2011, Leo Benedictus’ The Afterparty came out. At its heart is the story of a celebrity scandal and media cover-up, but around this the reader is invited to take part in the book’s marketing strategy. A character within the novel is submitting the ‘inner’ novel – the one about celebs – to a literary agent. This frame allows room for a separate plot concerning the secret identity of the would-be author, but it also suggests a different level, a new context, where the contents of the book affect the outside world, and where one is invited to interact and collude with the subject matter. You don’t just read his book: you live it, you tweet it.

Readers of the hardback could enter a competition to be immortalised in the book and written into the paperback as a character. ‘Deleted scenes’ were promised, as was the inclusion of any tweets about the book that included the hashtag #afterpartybook.Benedictus (or rather, a character within his book) coined the term ‘Hyperfiction.’ He (Benedictus, not the character) expanded on this at interview, saying that ‘novels need not stop at their own covers,’ and that with The Afterparty he sought to plant ‘pieces of the novel inside the real world.’

As usually happens with innovation, The Afterparty has been greeted with some closed mindedness ( – though far less that you’d expect, thankfully). Most of this, however, seems to be to do with the ‘vapid’ subject matter of the celebrity world and the postmoderntricksiness rather than the Hyperfiction concept.

My favourite thing about The Afterparty is how it also works as a piece of traditional fiction, with  craftyrevelations and heaps of style (and by style I mean the writerly kind – the kind that is part of the substance and talent). If writers are good enough, confident enough about the substance of their work, why not be a little vainer about it andlet this spill over into the outside world? Into the realm of style?

Jonathan McAloon | @jonniemcaloon

After Midnight Magic

After Midnight Magic is a short story featured in Strangers, and perhaps my favourite one of all. Read the rest here:

 

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It’s summer, dark and quiet up here. Imagine the heat, the lights, the noises — and the girl, curled up on the black wooden chair, chin on her knees, absently looking out over the city of dreams.
I bend over the table for the pack of cigarettes and take one out. I’d ask her to join me, but I’m not in a rush to get her talking. I know we have all night, which is both strange and exciting.
Exciting because she has that je ne sais quoi that can only be found in someone’s eyes, or sadness, or intensity. It’s everywhere in her. It is my second nature to watch people when they’re out of their comfort zone; that’s how I get a feel for my stories. But with her, the more I try to catch that something to put on paper, the more I end up caught in that something else. What something else? Je ne sais quoi, honestly.
Strange because she said over the phone than she can’t think straight during the day, so we agreed on doing the interview after midnight. I have never done this before, so I’m trying hard not to think about how deeply unprofessional it must look like.
As I light up the cigarette and lean over the balcony, she lets out a heavy sigh.
‘You know, Jax,’ she says, and her voice sounds soft and melodic, ‘if I can make you take pauses while reading me, go back a few lines and take my words in all over again, I’m happy.’
‘Of course,’ I nod. ‘Who wouldn’t be —’
‘But if I make you look for a cigarette after you put the book down, fill your lungs with smoke and spend five minutes on cloud nine, that means the world to me. It means that I did my absolute best.’
I turn my head over my left shoulder and look her up and down. She’s got a dreamy look in her eyes and I can only hope to unlock all of her thoughts.
‘Don’t you do your best every time?’ I ask, hoping to catch her on the wrong foot.
‘Don’t be stupid.’ she laughs.
‘Well?’
‘You are a journalist, Jax. You are supposed to ask better questions.’
At this point I suspect that she is feeling threatened. I want to reassure her, for the hundredth time since I entered her apartment, that my questions will be reasonable and her answers can, eventually, be turned around a bit. After all, the public knows her as a good upcoming writer and I have no intention to make her look like anything less. But I’m beginning to wonder if I’m the bad guy here, and whether she is going to let me do my work or be all trouble throughout the rest of the night.
‘Alright,’ I say. ‘You got me, that was a bad question, but who said that was part of the interview? I think it would be best to get to know each other first. One look at you and I can tell you don’t like formal either. I mean, sweatpants? And look at me,’ I point at my jeans and casual leather jacket, ‘smoking your cigarettes here at one in the morning. I don’t seem much of a professional, do I? So why can’t we just have a normal conversation?’
She slowly moves her head in my direction, lifts her eyes up and looks at me for a little while. ‘You are right, you definitely don’t,’ she then says in a firm voice before going back to staring into the distance.
For a minute, I wanted to believe that we were more than strangers and I built a bridge there, but sooner than I expected she went back to her passivity and oblivion and I, clueless, back to enjoying my cigarette.
She doesn’t look like the kind of girl that can be read through the lines in one night, and that’s disappointing for the journalist and refreshing and intriguing for the man I am.

 

I lay my head back and let summer drip down my fingers.
Oh, how I love bad timing! — and the sound of him, moving slowly across the room, careful not to make a noise and break the spell.
I’ve seen the best and worst of 1 a.m., and this is definitely among the best. Well, not the driving down highways with my head out the window kind of best, nor the hiding under covers with someone I love and pulling down all my walls one. Being close to him tonight doesn’t give me an adrenaline rush or a love underlined, but it gives me the good in between, like a sense of self so strong, like digging my toes into the shoreline and knowing that the sea will keep me safe. I know the night will keep me safe. I trust myself at night, even with talking to a stranger whose job is to rewrite me in the morning.
When the sun is up I always find it hard to tell my story. There is something about sunlight, especially in August — it is consistent, enslaving; it has that quality of renewal, of vibrancy, of vitality. It leaves no time for the mind to slow down.
Some mornings I find myself alive and don’t know what to do about it. It’s the reason why I spent most summer days lost in words, sucked in, swimming. This is serenity to me, the rare substance that melts my walls and lets me dive into the depths.
Down there, behind necrosed old burdens I forgot to get rid of, I find my solid gold, straight magic and the conviction that the people out here, at the surface of the imagination, are wrong. They leave claw marks onto everything they touch and cry out their wild desire to be chainless. When they ask me if I ever write about them I nod my head, absently. I write about myself, in infinite shapes and sizes. In my ideal world, they wouldn’t make good characters.
Rain taps gently on their skin. I’ve got thunder in my heartbeats.
I am out of line. The substance flowing through my veins isn’t hot blood, it’s quicksilver.
The inner world I plunge in blots out the time of day and sends shivers down my spine, when I capture its essence and sift it through my fevered imagination. That is the moment of spiritual fire. That is the hallmark of a writing rockstar. I am going that way, all engines burning.

 

I ask her if she wants to go inside. She says the balcony is just fine. She’s not a fan of closed spaces. I try to keep that in mind until I get the chance to take some notes, and ask her what she is a fan of.
Her face lightens up and her lips curl into a smile as she starts counting happy makers on her fingers.
You know when you turn eighteen and forget what seventeen felt like? That’s how the sight of her makes me feel. I follow the subtle moves of her fingers up in the air, wishing I could track the twists and turns of her thoughts just the same.
Friends would ask me why and I couldn’t tell them. They would laugh at me like you’d laugh at a fool in love. Readers would ask themselves the same question — what is so special at the girl with hazel eyes and a feel for words that makes me describe her as out of this world?
Oh, but I wouldn’t write that. I’d write the palpable truth only, that she is young and beautiful and witty, someone worth looking at for years to come. I find myself smiling. Her expression is promising, inviting. I can’t wait for her to start talking.
Suddenly, I realise that I’ve never read one page of her book, and I know that nothing makes a writer more pleased than being described as talented. I make a promise to myself that as soon as I wake up I’ll run to the nearest bookshop, buy her book and spend the rest of tomorrow reading it.
‘Speed!’ she says without blinking, turning to me. ‘Yes, I love speed.’
‘You love speed?’ I ask, choking on my words.
I had my mind made up about her — she likes to take her time, she breathes easy, she chews on her food, she’s got a good mastery of peace and quiet, spicy as she might look like. There is an aura or calmness around her. She is not in a rush to become her better self, like the rest of us. She is already there.
She shakes her head and looks excited.
‘Alright,’ I say, seemingly cheerful, ‘what is it about speed that —’
‘It’s wonderful!’ she says and leans back again, crossing her arms behind her head, feet on the coffee table.
I know this is a good time to start taking notes, and hurriedly look for pen and paper in my pocket.
‘Speed is like this carousel of ferry lights, laughy voices, common sense, heartbreak and wild dreams, all mixing up and blurring together into days worth dying for. It leaves no time to be too shy or too safe. I love that!’
I stop writing. I don’t think I could explain this, but her words sound to me like a foreign language that I cannot understand.
‘Imagine having fire in your prose and poetry, and lips, and fingertips, blowing over you like winds and waves!’
Like going to Germany and hating all the pretty girls who looked in my direction, giggling. I could never tell if they did it because they liked me or because I was being made fun of. I can’t tell if I envy her inner flames or just want to get off at the next stop and write a short blog post about the food and the architecture.
‘I love the open road. It’s the modernised promise of perhaps getting to the end of the rainbow. I love white! Imagine a white canvas in front of you — a blank, white canvas.’
‘Ok.’ I say. ‘What about it?’
‘You tell me. What does it make you feel?’
I scratch my head, nervously, as I realise that the mental image of a white canvas is supposed to trigger some emotion — but it doesn’t, and so I’m just standing there, looking stupid. She takes one good look at me before making sure she shows her disgust. I get angry at my lack of understanding when it comes to her vision.
‘Come on, what’s the catch?’ I ask, annoyed.
‘You fool,’ she mumbles, ‘You might be working for a fancy newspaper, but you’ll never be a good writer.’
‘What?’ I shout, outraged. ‘Where did this come from?’
She looks restless and wouldn’t stop leg shaking.
‘You might be good with words, but definitely not with ideas. You mix together like oil and water.’
‘Don’t change the subject,’ I say, unconvinced. ‘What was it about that white canvas that pissed you off so badly?’
But as she keeps to herself, my mind starts unwrapping her words and before I realise, I’m not angry anymore.
The truth is that she might be right. I never claimed to be a good writer. In fact, I write because, as a journalist, I must. I’d much rather talk to people and listen to their stories than make the puzzle back at the office. She, on the other hand, looks like someone who writes stories to send herself to sleep; and she doesn’t just fit the pieces back together. She creates them.
On this note, I also doubt her social skills by now, but can’t help feeling jealous at the thought of someone being able to draw their mind like that.
This is when I think I know what she loves about a white canvas.
‘A white canvas,’ she eventually interrupts my similar thoughts, ‘is where things are yet to happen, so you are still to choose the outcome. A white canvas is the place of all possibilities, where anything you can imagine is real. A white canvas is airy and light and lets you move free and live loud. A white canvas is my definition of the happy ending, I guess, because endings too start at the beginning.’
I understand that tonight, I am a hint of warmth, and she is warmth. Her book will leave me speechless in the morning.

 

I suppose that I let a secret bit of myself slip out when I told him what my definition of everlasting happiness is – the constant thrill of the new start. And it’s funny, because I realise what I’m doing. I’m contouring a whole new self in front of him, the self we both seem to like best. I know that, because I can see him falling for the girl he thinks I am. The most selfish of me wants to go along those lines he traces and fill me up with his favourite colour, to make sure he falls for good.
If only he knew that I don’t take new starts with my coffee in the morning, but I make them later in the afternoon, in between my stories.
If only he knew that I write so I can feel, because if I allowed myself to feel this way out of my writings, it would be setting myself on fire and watching my years burn.
Suddenly, he comes at my end of the table and shows me to get up. Then he puts his hands of my shoulders and locks eyes with me. I know that gaze. I have seen it before. It’s hungry and unreliable. It’s the gaze of a man whose vibrations and chances would go up or down a level, depending on mine. It’s the look in the eyes of a man I could read off a grocery list before spitting out a ‘Yeah, I love you too’ to him one day. He is the man who would end up telling me that he wishes I’d speak to him as well as I write, that he wants to date the other version of me, that I’m less than I advertise. The man who would end up coordinating my movements, my heartbeats, my weather report, who would crawl into my veins and replace my lava with his perfume, who would pull my eyelids up at night and refuse to let me go back to sleep. It’s the gaze of a man I could both love and hate and I’d be unable to find a shade of difference between one and the other. A man who would drive me insane, not metaphorically, but in real bloody life, who would alter me so badly that he would end up being the one to scribble my last artistically viable words and seal the letter.
There is a saying about the calm before the storm. I always thought of myself as the calm before the calm storm, or the calm before the drizzle. Or the calm before two white, fluffy clouds appear on the sky and turn pink with the sunset. But I underestimated the storm forming in my blood cells, because I was the calm before the apocalypse. And when it came, it asked no one. It hit me hard, like I deserved it. It showed me what writing can do for me, that no man on the face of Earth could.
Writing made me tick like nothing ever did. When I began writing, my demons stopped speaking over me. Writing took my hand and walked me to those monsters and made them come alive and walk to my beat. As soon as I decided what that beat would be, the monsters stopped torturing me and turned into strong characters and wilder chapters instead. I got to raise the hell within me and wear it proudly on a sleeve. My hell; my rich and alive imagination, like a rainforest with carnivore flowers and mellow, hypnotic music in the background that I used to dread like the longest, darkest hours of the nights when I couldn’t get any sleep. My imagination, I decided, I was going to use it until it bled and shouted that it needed rest, and then I was going to use it some more. Because, despite all, watching my imagination unfolding is like watching God at work – the best part of me, giving its best. Heavenly.
That’s when I decided I like the storm, the speed, the chaos more, and I was afraid to let men come close in case they ever wanted to replace my magic.
I look at him and think of how I’ll take this 2 a.m. and turn it into vivid dreams tomorrow.
But for now, snap and I’m back to myself, whoever that might be — and that’s the beauty of it.
After all, it’s not flesh and bones I want from life, but words. Words, to still my monsters and make me be the best that I can be, non stop. The ability to ask people to listen to this page I’m writing in my head as we speak, as we move, as we live.

 

She’s lying on the carpet with a cigarette in her hand, twisting her hair on her fingers. She tells me that nature creates man and then it abandons him. That people’s free will is like every other muscle in the body — left unused, it atrophies in time. That sometimes, the full is empty, and other times, the empty is full. A wool blanket covers her lap from the cold. The balcony’s door has been left wide open. I’m taking notes on the large sofa next to it. The night air is stronger now, my back feels cold. She doesn’t seem to mind. In the middle of her sentence, I can’t help it and interrupt her.
‘Do you believe in what you’re saying?’ I ask.
She bursts into a very feminine laughter. ‘Yeah right now, but not that often…’
She hands me her cigarette and I pull out a smoke, then ask about her writing. She tells me that they are like two almost lovers who first met in a bar many years ago, discovered they have a few friends in common and decided to see each other again; but she’s the one who can’t live without writing, and clings to it all the time. Writing is happy to just sip from a cup of tea at the table, in perfect stillness.
‘This is the path I’ve chosen,’ she tells me. ‘And I know it was the right one.’
‘How do you know?’
‘It’s easy to find it, really. You just look for the one that looks clear. All the other paths have road signs all over.’
‘Road signs?’ I laugh.
‘Yes, road signs, don’t laugh.’
‘And what do these road signs say?’
‘Just the usual: ‘right – wrong’, ‘failure – success’, ‘happiness – fear’. It’s confusing, you’re being told to slow down and speed up all the time. The fun beings when you get to crossroads and never know what to choose. Your heart is giving you the silent treatment, because so did you. Eventually, you turn to your partners for advice and have debates over things that mean nothing to you, and wonder at how boring life got as you aged,’ she laughs. ‘Your path is clear, and it’s all yours. That’s how you recognize it. You walk down the street whistling, and every now and then you let out your first ‘This is one on one, you and me, God! And it’s going great!’’
I wonder what does it mean when I feel that I failed as a writer, but decide not to ask her. After all, all roads get bumpy here and there. ‘I suppose the more you write about something, the biggest the desire to live it. Isn’t it so?
She looks at me as if wondering if I’m trying to find out her biggest secret —the secret of her aliveness. But rolls her eyes soon after. ‘Bullshit. Great writing comes from great living. This is why you don’t know how to write.’
I’m caught off-guard, and all I can do is pause and stare at her, stretching on the floor, smoking, smiling.
‘Because you lack intensity,’ she continues, knowing that I was waiting for an explanation, ‘because you don’t love your life, so life can’t love you back. You can’t turn such a dull existence into poetry. You can only make art out of beauty.’
This goes against everything I thought I knew about art. Stupefied, I ask her: ‘What about sadness?’
‘Who said sadness isn’t beautiful?’
‘How in the world is sadness beautiful?’ I shout, confused at her ability to lionize everything I run from.
She rolls over, gets up and comes sit on the sofa’s arm, next to me.
‘Take a good look at me.’ she whispers in my ear.

 

But when I take a good look at him, I realise that I can’t scare him. Not for long, anyway. The man’s got edge, even if I manage to take his confidence away every now and then. But he’s a lonely soul, I can see it in his eyes. He might be a puppet, but he is also the puppeteer. In his world, there’s no room left for doubt. If he starts doubting himself, he dies. His self-confidence is his only fuel and, artsy or not, he is still a beautiful human being that makes me wonder how can someone so different from me attract me so much.
I haven’t read his work. He hasn’t read mine either, I can tell. He avoids all talk about my book and tries to crayon me as the strong minded, crazy girl he sees behind this pose. Whatever makes me live, and write, and then live some more with the depth and density he thinks he sees, that’s what he is interested in. What makes me human, where my second hand hope comes from, what I make my decisions based upon – in fiction or live autobiography, which, on a second look, are one and the same.
There is good in this. It’s like a mind game at a first date, no preconceptions.
We’re strangers who seem to have been trapped in space and time – this room, this 3 a.m. is all we have.
So we cheat and we lie to pass the time, and wonder which one of us will give up first, who will be the first to take advantage of whom, who will be the first to tell the truth and nothing but the truth all the way.
For now, his breath smells like coffee and smoke. Mine is heavy.
I keep him guessing, and he draws me closer.
He asks me what is it that I don’t want to show the world, and begs me to show it to him.
I say that it’s everything, smile and remain evasive, ambiguous.
He thinks that I’m fresh and fantastic.
I think he is kind and gentle and take my cigarette back from between his fingers, to nervously pull a last smoke.
Soon, I’ll put my drink down and turn the lights on. I’ll wash my glass in the sink and hope to avoid all eye contact for a while.
It’ll take time until he figures that there is nothing on the inside as exciting as he thinks. I am like a veil that any light can shine through, but merely exists in the dark. In his light, I am bright orange, feverish, delirious and silky. But at times, I am opaque black. I didn’t take my time to contour a fixed personality. I don’t know what my definitions and status quos are. I can answer his every question about my soul, but I couldn’t tell him a thing about the girl who walks down the street in mere daylight, because I’ve never paid any attention to her.
He thinks I am a beautiful mystery.
I think that is a half-truth in any way you take it.

 

‘Of course I believe in miracles; when I create them for myself. I am the witch here,’ she says and points at all four corners of the room.
‘I need you to tell me how you do your work.’ I mutter out loud.
‘Why? You don’t know a thing about my work. You’ve been looking at my face and my body all night.’
I start laughing uncontrollably. She gets up and starts walking in circles around the room.
‘Because, as much as it pains me to say, this article won’t be about your face and your body, Mia. Tell me where you find your inspiration – is there a man in your life you write about?’
‘I don’t write about my present, I live it.’ she says from across the room.
‘That doesn’t answer my question, you know?’
‘Nothing will.’
‘Alright, then let me rephrase it: Who are your characters?’
After a while, she tells me that the men she writes about are nothing but visions, scraps of her imagination just like everything else. Her world is made up of such pieces and every character she creates is somebody she doesn’t get to be in this lifetime. But my God, she says all of this with her hands on my clenched fist, looking me straight in the eyes.
How do I tell my readers about this moment without sounding like a poetic idiot? How do I tell them anything at all, when all there is to say about this girl is that she embodies a place where magic exists?
She tells me that she is raising a baby Phoenix inside her head. I laugh at the idea and ask her about it, knowing that the public would love such an imaginative answer coming from a young artist. I desperately need something to write about. She says she feeds it with violent feelings, then releases it into the story and cleans up the ashes it leaves behind. I get caught in the game and say this sounds exhausting; but the truth is that there is a certain sadness in her eyes at times. I tell her that I’ve noticed it. She shrugs and I know she’s trying to avoid the matter. I assume that it must come out of all the mess her imagination leaves behind. She likes the idea and agrees that I can quote her on that.
I put my pen down on the table and clench my other fist under my chin. She looks confused. I know, because I’m staring at her again.
I can’t think of her as anything less than the goddess role she is playing tonight, and I’m praying that this isn’t just a charade. I want to come back and fill myself up, again and again, with the beauty of her vibes.
If I could, I’d forbid her to ever write again, no matter how good her writings are. I’d isolate that part of her mind, so she never finds herself face to face with the fears she must write about. I just wish I could hold her and protect her from herself. She is magnificent and this tells me that I’m right when I’m afraid she burns twice as bright, yet half as long. But I know she’d wilt then. Take away her demons and her angels would leave her too.
Instinctually, I grab her head with both hands and drag her next to me.
‘I wish other people could see what I see.’ I whisper.
‘What is that?’
Life outside suddenly seems dull and empty. I smell her hair and think of caresses and scratches that haven’t happened yet, but would be the most ecstatic short breath of life I can imagine.
Another few moments pass before she leans forth, grabs her sweater and gets up.
‘Let’s go outside,’ she says and quickly leaves me alone in the room.
I follow her.

 

There was one piece of advice I’ve always liked. It starts by saying that whatever you run to, it runs from you. So how do you get your hands onto the things you’re after? You find out what kind of person is the one who’s got what you want and you become that person, and what you want will come to you. The secret isn’t to have, it’s to be. That’s how you get the things you’re after. You become what they’re after.
I am the writer the world will know about as of tomorrow. I am the girl with the open roads, the white canvas, and the rich imagination that has the power to give people the thrills they’re searching for. They don’t want to dive deep and grab it and make it their own, but I do. It’s painful, but I don’t know many people whose souls reborn every time they put it on the paper either, so they’ll want me. Because they’re after what I have. They’re all looking for what I have become.
Maybe one day I will stop writing and admit to myself — and the rest of the world, for that matter — that I am lost, that I never took the time to get to know my stable self, that the mornings that keep the streets empty for me and the midnight walks and the places I can always call home can’t seem to do the trick anymore.
But for now, I don’t want to wake up from this dream.
It’s too early.
I’m too young.
Jax is looking over the notes. I look from over his shoulder. He asks me if I think this is wrong. Well, like I always say, people get what they want and usually hate if after. But that only happens when they have to choose one thing over another. As for me, I don’t want to choose between life and prose anymore, not tonight. I don’t want to hate myself for choosing wrong, and I don’t want to choose. I just want to live; and write.
And I’ve got a question to ask him.
I told him too, his are really dull.
‘What do you lose, if you get everything you want?’
He turns around and kisses me. I hold my breath for a second, then remember to let go and let it be. He looks like a good guy.
4 a.m. started nicely.

Alegoria

Remember Strangers, the collection Cristian and I published a month ago thanks to you? I thought it would be a shame not to share parts of it on the blog, because I want people to read it, and I want people to read me, and I want to write beautiful things and share them with you. And Amazon.

 

Alegoria is a short story featured in Strangers.

 

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It was late November. Or April. Or August. It could have been Christmas Day, but if it was, most cafés would’ve been closed and where else would it be better to run into a man who smells good and looks at me with dark, deep, intelligent eyes? I’d say it was New Year’s Eve, but that would create too much pressure for one day. What is the best time to meet someone who changes your life repeatedly? Is it January? Is it March? Is it a lazy summer day that doesn’t promise much otherwise? I don’t know, so I’ll just choose February. It was February, then.
If it was February there were still blankets of snow on the sidewalks and people walking hurriedly with coffee, phones and shopping bags in their hands. I need you to know that, despite this is my story, I was never alone in it. Not until very late anyway, when it was all reduced to what I wanted from life – you don’t get many happy endings like that, do you? There were people all around me, therefore, reminding me that whatever I was going through, they were going through it too.
At least this is always true, no matter the month and day: at any given moment in our lives, there are people going through the same things next to us. Even if they won’t tell. Even if we’ll never tell.
I don’t meet him yet. I’d skip to that part, but I don’t want to press fast forward just yet. I like playing with details. Still contouring the features of your dreams is more exciting than explaining them, and surely less frightening than living them.
You might be wondering why I’m making things up. It’s because I’m not trying to give you all the facts. I’m not even trying to tell you the truth. This is my story and all that matters is that it has my fingertips all over it, like a black and white drawing a child is colouring in a sunny living room. I’ll spare you the real, for you have enough of it yourself.
For now, it’s February, it’s Friday morning and it’s snowing. It’s morning, because I like taking my time, and it’s only snowing for the sake of it.

I woke up on the wrong side of the bed, crawled my way to the mirror – and the mirror went all, you know, ‘Oh, it’s you again…’ Maybe it wasn’t the mirror. Maybe it was my inner voice, exuding negativity again.
My hair is light, short and messy on most days, but not today. Today, remember, everything feels wrong, so my hair gets to be long, wavy and in a lovely dark cherry colour – everything feels so wrong that I must get at least a few things right.
I would tell you about my two story flat and the circular staircase and the large windows running from one end to the other, about luxury, healthy breakfasts and beautiful pieces of furniture, but I can’t. My mind is cold and empty, like a ghost town. Yes, today I woke up feeling unhappy. Hence my house is a small, crowded and cold little flat in the suburbs of a city that makes one feel insignificant. We all feel anonymous when we go on holidays in foreign countries. I feel anonymous at home. People here don’t know me, and I know no one. I hide my face in the tall collar of my winter coat these days, and hope to remain unnoticed.
See, I would change this for the joy of writing a better story. I’d be loud and have lots to say and lots to show, and I’d never get to the point and you wouldn’t care, because you all like loud. But if there’s one thing that you can be sure it stays unchanged all throughout this it’s who I am deep inside. I won’t hide that, because there’s nothing else I could show. If there was, I would.
You might wonder why I’m still a stranger in this city, why I haven’t made an effort for men like the one I’m about to meet to know me by now. The truth is that I am a stranger by choice.
Because I can stop being one at any given time.
And because life is just as boring when you are Little Miss Sunshine as it is when you are Nobody.
I know, because I’ve been here, and I’ve been there.
Matter of fact, I’ve been everywhere, and if there’s one important lesson that I’ve learnt it’s this: there is no such thing as the point of no return. But that, of course, only applies to me.
I was born with a blessing that has, in time, turned into a curse: in each and every moment of my life, I can choose where I want to be.
That’s right. I get to pick my life for the day. It’s like owning a wonderful catalogue, an encyclopaedia, if you want, flipping through its pages and deciding for a destination, a look, a life.
Most days, I don’t pick anything new. I’m just like you.
After a while, you learn that the world isn’t as vast as you thought it was and wherever you are, you’re still you. You can run away from everything that surrounds you, but you can never run away from who you are – and eventually, everything will turn out the same way as before. They say you are the creator of your own life. I’m creating mine all over again, and again, and again.
Now you see why the day of the month, the surroundings and the hairstyle I chose in the beginning seemed so irrelevant. Because when living like me, you understand that they are.
It’s painful to watch how I can change anything in my life, except who I am and how I respond to things.
I think the Devil must have taken my soul in exchange, though I would gladly make the trade back. This wasn’t my choice. I want nothing, nothing but the ability to change myself for the better.

So here’s to setting the scene again: it’s 10 a.m. and I’m getting ready in a dark, crowded little flat that’s not on my liking, but it’s not supposed to be either. Not in February, not on Fridays. I brush my long, wavy, dark hair and have some milk and cereals before I run out the door, walk among busy people and end up in a smoky bar. Once I’m inside, I spot a table next to the window and hurry to throw my bag on the chair.
There. This is my mole hole for the day.

I

Strangers whose bodies brush against each other for a split of a second, never to touch again.
But he catches my eye, and I want to touch him more than once. I want to know things about him. I want us to be a little bit more than strangers. Not a lot, because then he’d upset me one night and I’d leave in the morning, determined not to look back. I want us to be just enough so that I can bask in his warmth and nod at his plans feeling happy for a while, happy I’ve met someone interesting and wonderful at last.
I know that all of this doesn’t matter much, for I won’t be here forever. It’ll be like a summer love, except it’s February. Like a holiday romance that will wear off by the end of the month.
But winning people over is the only challenging thing left, because it’s the one thing I have no control over.
I take a look at myself and don’t like what I see. I’m sitting at my corner table, hiding behind a thick book and avoiding all eye contact. My mind starts to wander from here to there and all that fuss is making me nervous inside. It reminds me of all the fun there is to have out there, fun that no matter where I’ll choose to wake up tomorrow, I won’t have. I take a deep breath and stretch my arms and legs, coughing to regain my voice. I haven’t spoken to anyone in so long. Someone at the bar is staring at me, but it’s not him. I know, because this time I stare back with confidence and their eyes move to the floor. You must have thought I am shy, but before I try to prove you wrong, I’ll just tell you how the story goes.
I stand up and people from all across the room look at me in silence. Ah, if only things played harder to get in life. I catch him too, with his head turned over his shoulder. But it’s only a couple of seconds before he orders a drink and gets ready to go back to his table.
I’m determined not to miss this chance to prove myself that I am, indeed, cursed with the ability to get everything I want, everything but myself. But my spontaneity makes a not-so-wise move and I end up touching his arm the moment I find myself near the bar. He is visibly amused. His eyes are sincere and confused and I know he is waiting for me to say something. Instead, what I do is take a seat and wait for my turn to be served. That and nothing more.
I could tell he was staring, but not that he would break into a quiet, patronizing laughter shortly after.
Could have put my hand in the fire that he was a bit more… subtle.
‘Is this your idea of breaking the ice?’ he asks.
I turn around to him and discover that his face has turned red with laughter.
‘Do you like me?’ I surprise myself asking him.
He doesn’t know what to do, to laugh or to take me seriously and thus run out the door. ‘Not another crazy one’, he must be thinking.
‘I don’t know yet,’ he smiles.
‘Too bad. I thought that when a man sees the woman of his dreams, it takes him seconds to recognize her from the crowd. Like love at first sight, only it’s not love yet.’
I’m sure I must be looking deadly serious, but what he doesn’t know is that I’m not. I’m only sad.
As he tries to come closer to me, the barman asks me if I want a drink.
‘Just a strong coffee,’ I say and give him some coins.
When he leaves, the handsome stranger looks like he’s on the verge of saying something utterly important for the rest of my life. Instead, he cracks up in another unexpected laughter and quietly says, ‘You know, I’m pretty sure the woman of my dreams as I picture her would be a bit more… subtle.’
At this point I congratulate myself on choosing him out of all the men in here.
‘Don’t you believe in such things? Maybe I’m coming on strong so I don’t miss the chance of getting what I really want from you, and live a life of what-ifs.’
‘You’re joking,’ he verdicts. ‘I know you are, you must be.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you’re pretty, too pretty to be mad.’
‘Oh,’ I say, smiling. ‘But wouldn’t that be the beauty of it?’
‘What, of madness?’
‘Yes. Madness is supposed to look pretty to get to you.’
He doesn’t look convinced.
I’m just happy to pass the time playing yet another role.
‘I can tell you what’s beautiful about madness, but it has nothing to do with you.’
‘Alright then,’ I say and get off my chair. ‘Come over to my table and tell me,’ I say and grab the coffee the barman just brought.
Soon he is sat at my table sipping coffee and I get to take another good look at him. Tall, dark, handsome. Too bad this won’t last either.
We laugh over the table, we touch each other’s hands now and then and my heart feels lighter, quieter, easier to bear.
‘Tell me about the beauty of madness,’ I dare him. ‘Tell me everything you know.’
He smiles and looks like he is choosing his words carefully before he starts. ‘Madness is magical, and that’s not you,’ he says. ‘Everything you think you know about it, you can forget about. You know nothing, for nothing you are is magical and therefore maddening.’
‘Well that’s harsh,’ I say and, somehow, feel deeply hurt.
‘Let’s not be dramatic. But magic is close to sacred. You’re just a pretty girl in a bar. Aim high, but lower those expectations,’ he laughs.
According to him, magic is things set in motion, the world moving at the speed of light, leaving nothing to the eye but a mixture of colours and sounds that make you dizzy and happy. Magic happens when there is nothing else going on – it’s either everything or nothing. You can’t have magic at your right and your workplace and favourite shop and fish market at the left.
‘Tell me something,’ I say. ‘The woman of your dreams… of your wildest dreams, I mean… is she magical?’
‘It would help a lot,’ he laughs.
I notice how he makes circles with the spoon in his coffee as he speaks. ‘But you know there is no such thing.’
‘Oh, there is,’ he smiles and I suddenly feel small, unimportant.
‘Alright, I’m listening.’
‘I can imagine her,’ he says, grinning. ‘It’s not hard. You know what else is magical, apart from the people who love their worlds to bits? Life, when you live it out loud and don’t stop for a second to look around. Life, when you don’t analyse or try to perfect it. That’s how she should be. Like a tornado….’
‘Would she care about you, then?’
‘That matters less. I wouldn’t want her to stop and lick my wounds. You don’t trip tornadoes. What matters is if I could keep up with her.’
‘I think I’ve had enough of you,’ I suddenly decide and get up.
‘Where’re you going?!’ he shouts. ‘What did I do wrong?’
‘Oh, nothing,’ I say and, for a moment, I’m tempted to stay, but know that it wouldn’t make any difference.
I slam the door behind me and head back home, wanting nothing else but to sleep through the rest of today.
As I lay in bed I think of how every morning I hope for better days, and every day I hope for more mornings, but somehow life repeats itself to the point of exhaustion. Breaking the cycle would be the new, and it’s the new I can’t reach and grab and make mine, because it’s far from my shores and I don’t know how to expand. Trying on new clothes and colours doesn’t make me bigger and bolder, it only paints over the choices of yesterday, and having more means only more of the same.
The conversation I had with the handsome stranger only served to remind me of the thrill of freedom, the one and only thing that, it’s said, can be bigger than loneliness. We’ve all experienced it for short moments, like brief flashes of light; but they’ve all ended before they really started to change us into better people. We remember them as the happiest moments of our lives, the most real things that have ever happened to us. So powerful yet so small they nearly don’t touch us at all. This must be what he meant – that little by little at a time doesn’t always do the trick. Sometimes, we must wake up with the confidence that we are a whole new breed – the almighty one.
But I don’t know how to love my world to bits. All I know is how to change it, and I can’t stop. No one seems able to tell me what the shortcut to freedom is, an d that is what I really want to ask the people like him, that look pure and intangible at the same time. I want to know the secret to genuine happiness from somebody who looks like they’re living it, but these people guard it with the price of their lives and only talk what is nonsense to me.
I wanted to know what crazy beautiful is to a man like the one who caught my eye at the bar, and all I got was ‘It’s not you’.

II

Raindrops still linger on my open windows. I lean out and take in the night air, feeling as if the whole world has gone to sleep; only that it hasn’t. The world is waiting for me, and I’m taking five more minutes before I brush my hair and go show up. Five more minutes to enjoy the silence and watch cars driving on the wet streets, because the truth is that I haven’t changed one bit.
It’s mid-July now, my hair is the lightest shade of blonde and my skin is flawless. I’m having excitement, embarrassment even, a whole new city and a large group of friends. I’ve switched back to popularity when summer bloomed, but at the end of the day I’m still floating through days that feel the same, wanting everything because I am one step away from wanting nothing. It’s still winter in here.
I cannot forget that conversation.
Eventually, I take one last deep breath and hope the night goes well. I’ll try not to stop, not for one minute, to wonder at the atmosphere of the place and what I am doing there.
My friend’s party seems to have attracted all sorts of people, from a hot mess like myself to classy men like him. She introduces us, jokes about how we both looked so lonely and thought we could use some company, then leaves us alone. He smiles and agrees with her. I smile back and try not to.
We end up on the porch, getting drunk on every kind of alcohol served inside, where we only go to get more drinks. I feel very drawn to him from the start. He reminds me of myself, in the future I had planned years ago, where I was going to be like him – smooth and successful, without having to cheat at every 9 a.m..
‘I want to be someone’s portion of magic,’ I surprise myself telling him.
He understands and walks me to the garden swing. ‘Where did this come from?’ he asks me, minutes later.
I can sense a little bit of seriousness in his voice.
‘I don’t know,’ I shrug. ‘I just spend so much time daydreaming. I wish I could show it to someone else, because it’s pretty damn beautiful.’ I feel I can trust this man. I wish I was his portion of magic. ‘I wish I could live the life of my dreams,’ I whisper, almost to myself. ‘Be the girl of my dreams. Then I’d be magic for everyone.’
He looks like he is really listening when I suddenly turn to him.
I like what I see, I say to myself, but before the feeling settles he drops the bomb.
‘But that’s not what magic means.’
‘Oh.’
How wonderful. I have run into another know-it-all.
‘Are you going to give me your own definition for it, and tell me that’s what it really is?’
‘No, no… it’s not a definition. I just want to make you take a different approach.’
‘I’m all eyes and ears,’ I say and want to leave, when he grabs my hand and pulls me back.
‘Look around,’ he says, and puts an arm around me. ‘Look at all this madness.’
My blood turns cold. Madness, he said?
‘Look at how the city lights blend into each other. Listen to the hum, the voices, the noises. Doesn’t it look maddeningly beautiful from here? But as soon as you run to it and want to be a part of it, it all falls into a million little pieces, each with its own individuality and family and dreams, and it’s nothing more than drops of glasses that reflect bits of what it seemed.’
I like the feeling of being in his arms, but something tells me that this is more than a bedtime story with an unhappy ending.
‘Do you want to turn yourself into the girl of your dreams? Do you know exactly who you have to be to deserve that title? Do you have a plan for every step you need to take?’
I just sit there in silence, unable to breathe, speak or look him in the eyes.
‘Because you’re doing it all wrong then. There is no magic in perfection. As soon as you get close to beauty, it turns hideous. As soon as you want to be part of crazy, the crazy vibes stop flowing. Life has an energy of its own, that’s why it figures itself out. Magic is looking, not touching. Enjoying, not possessing. Being, not trying to be. As soon as you tear in halves the list of magic traits you must have in order to be someone’s magic, you will become it. You’ll be chaotic and ever-changing, and wild, and free, and beautiful to watch flowing through life.’
I know that he is a good man. I don’t know how I know that, but I do, and yet my heart beats in every inch of my skin.
‘Who are you?’ I finally ask in a thin, shaky voice.
‘What does it matter? Are you trying to fit all the pieces together again?’
‘Again?’
He makes me look at him, and all I see is the face of a stranger with the confident smile of someone who knows all my secrets.
‘Have we met before?’ I whisper.
‘Yes,’ he says, ‘to your first question. You’re doing it, once again, cheap pub or sophisticated dinner party.’
It’s funny, because he looked nothing like the man I met months ago. I found him just as attractive, but in a very different way. He didn’t remind me of anybody at first. How do you even find two people similarly attractive? My head is spinning round and round as I’m taking the long walk home, and I still end up in bed earlier than I promised myself. I have nightmares all night, nightmares where faces blend together, then fall to pieces as drops of glasses that reflect bits of what they seemed.

III

The next morning, I decide not to change the scenery yet. I’m used to doing so whenever things go wrong, but last night wasn’t wrong. It was only different. I found a spark of the unknown in a world where I thought I was the only thing that I couldn’t explain.

Last night I met a man who spoke like someone that I met seasons ago but looked nothing alike. The thought of finding another person going through the same as me gives me the chills.
I spend half an hour in the mirror, trying not to think about what the purpose of this charade is. Eventually, I take a long hard look at myself and it’s time I snap out of it the old school way, since magic turned out to be my weak point.
There’s a café round the corner from my house, where I end up going for coffee and a nice healthy breakfast. I find a seat at one of the friendly wood tables outside, with coloured flowers, menus and newspapers. My hair is tied in a simple updo and I’m dressed in a long, flowery dress. Next to me, there is a man in a red shirt, with a large brown dog and the biggest cup of coffee I’ve seen. The time comes when our eyes try to recognize each other, but don’t. Thankfully, I have never him before. I breathe easy and feel happy that I didn’t choose to be anywhere else this morning.
But life has a funny way of turning tables just when you decide to be good for the rest of the day.
‘Hey,’ he says.
I look at him, curious to see what comes after the pick-up line. But he doesn’t, and that makes me smile.
‘Hey, stranger,’ I say, ‘How’s the coffee here?’
‘Almost as good as the view,’ he responds.
I laugh.
‘It must be good then. I really like your dog too.’
He invites me over to his table and I can only accept it. My mind is still running around in circles from last night, looking for answers all around me. I could use some conversation. I go inside to order something for myself and, when I get back, I change my seat for one at his table.
‘How’s the coffee, then?’ he asks me.
‘Good, good. I needed this.’
‘You’ve had a rough night, huh?’
‘I guess you can say that. I met someone.’
‘Oh. Well you sure move on fast if you’re already having breakfast alone.’
‘No, I don’t mean that. He was acting really strange. It made me feel so uncomfortable that I had to leave the party. That’s where my rough night ended,’ I laugh.
‘I see. You’re a party girl then.’
‘I try. Last night, I failed.’
‘Was it that bad?’
‘I don’t know. He reminded me of someone I met a while ago. Does it ever happen to you? I feel like I’m talking too much about myself. ‘
‘What?’
‘You know, meet a woman that reminds you of an ex, let’s say.’
‘Ah. Sometimes. But the man from your past wasn’t your boyfriend, was he?’
‘No, he wasn’t. How did you guess that?’
He doesn’t say anything, just makes circles with the spoon in his coffee. All of a sudden, I’m having a déjà vu – he has a familiar look on his face.
‘I’m sorry, do we know each other?’ I ask him and try to maintain my calm.
‘Not particularly well, no. I’m not your ex, that’s for sure’ he laughs, ‘You never really gave me a chance. You know the story… You try to get the girl, but she leaves before you have the chance to tell her why you picked her out of everybody else. Or, well, she picked you…’
This is impossible.
I must be losing my mind.
‘Tell me about last night. What did he do wrong, that you left without him?’
‘The same as you,’ I mumble, confused. ‘He messed me up.’
‘And what did you expect? Some nice guy to play it safe with?’
‘No, just someone…’
I don’t know how to say this. It might be that the cliché becomes true all of a sudden. I’m a woman who doesn’t know what she wants.
But he seems to know better.
‘Someone who lets you be the magical element in the relationship?’
‘Yes…’
‘Well, that’s kind of hard to find. We all want to play that part. You have to be a magical girl on your own, before your turn comes, if it does.’
‘And how do I become one?’
‘Are you asking me this? A stranger you met at the café? Are you mad, girl?’
‘Who the hell are you?’ I scream to his face and scare the dog. I don’t care.
‘I am who you think I am. What, are you not going to leave now? You already did twice,’ he laughs and finishes his coffee.
‘Listen, I need to know, will I see you again, and again, and again?’
‘You’re talking to me again, and again, and again. You’re always talking to me. What do you think?’
But I can’t deal with this right now.

IV

Someone stops me on my way to nowhere and asks me what the time is. I tell them it’s midday and they start lecturing me on how I will never find the miracle of everyday if I walk down the street looking all grumpy. Coincidence or not, the word miracle makes me hit the ground running, but I know there is nowhere to go for someone like me. I may have the world at my fingertips, but I am always out of tune with it. Starting all over again would be just as pointless as it was last time. When variety becomes a habit, newness loses meaning. And it was all in vain. I have no control whatsoever over who I am.
I curl up on a bench in Central Park, listening to the birds and looking at people going places, lovers holding hands, children running around, dogs catching branches, Frisbees or whatever they catch these days. Sometimes, the best hiding place is the spotlight.
They tell you that you’re going to die. What they don’t tell you is that you might die unhappy, unfulfilled. They sell you lies in ad campaigns and shopping malls and don’t tell you the essential – that you could die any minute, without ever having felt the touch of magic on your skin; with no tiny cell of madness in your tired body.
What am I doing, then? Running around in a haze, aimlessly and carelessly, screaming how much I want, I want, I want. What do I want, they wonder, and I pretend I don’t know either. The truth is that I don’t want much, I just want myself. That is my definition of magic at this point – the power to change myself into whom I should have been by now.
After fifteen long minutes, a funny-looking man sits down on the other side of the bench with a backpack and a notebook on his lap and starts scribbling.
‘What are you doing?’ I ask him. He doesn’t seem surprised and for some reason I didn’t expect him to be either.
‘Writing.’
‘What are you writing?’
‘Short stories.’
‘About what?’
‘Just fantasy.’
‘Oh. That thing.’
He nods his head and carries on.
‘Who are you?’
‘I am what you should be. A mad artist making magic.’
‘But I am not an artist.’
‘Oh, but you want to be one.’
‘What does that have to do with anything?’
‘With everything, you mean. Haven’t you noticed how life is circular? You go to different places only to end up being dragged to the same old one. It’s the things that you want that drag you around.’

Before you wonder about why is this conversation even taking place, know that I’ve reached my breaking point. That said, I give up on walking away from people who are trying to tell me something. After all, I was the one who felt offended when a stranger told me that I am not mad. Let it be, then.
‘Why is this happening? Why can’t I find magic?’
‘Who said you can’t?’
‘I can’t find it in myself. How can I find so much of it that I can put it into stories and be a real writer?’
‘Oh… but you will never find it by running away from yourself every day, or every season.’
‘I am not running away from myself, I am running away from people and places in my attempt to find myself.’
‘And what do you end up having? More people and places on your list, and less and less chances to find yourself.’
‘I don’t understand what I’m doing wrong. For as long as it’s not in me, where else am I supposed to find it but in the world around me?’
‘But of course it’s in you. You just don’t see it. But you see it in other people, and that makes you jealous and bitter. Then you have to run away. That’s not where magic is, in the charming guys that you meet.’
‘But I’m trying to be better every time, don’t you see?’
‘I’ll be honest with you – I don’t, and you’re not. You’re always changing where you are, not who you are. You are not ever-changing. You always go to the same places, you talk to the same kind of people. There is a pattern that you follow and that I could trace with my eyes closed. There is nothing truly new in your choices. And you say you want magic? Magic is not going to happen this way.’
‘Then how is it going to happen?’
‘It is going to happen when you sit down, take a deep breath, maybe smoke a cigarette if you like, or have a nice meal; alone. When you look around and see beautiful people and you let them be beautiful without trying to pull the wisdom out of them with pliers.’
‘Tell me something. Why is everyone the same person? Why are you the same man I’ve met before so many times?’
‘Don’t you understand? We are all mirrors reflecting you.’
‘What?’
‘The interesting man at the bar, being picked up with a clever line and dragged into a conversation; the classy man at the party, talking about things with meaning with an attractive someone; the hippie guy at the café on the corner, finally daring to make a move towards someone they fancy; and me, your ordinary guy happily making magic in a park, living your writing dream. Do you see it now? We are not a miracle of nature; we are the you you do not dare to be. You are drawn to people who possess the qualities and lives you wish you had. No wonder they are all alike. Do you want to end that stupid curse and become the girl you want to be? Then stop talking to us. Stop changing places. Stop doing the same things every day, even if you do them here or somewhere else. Become one with your reflection and you will stop seeing it in every window. You will never have to change your hair colour again, unless, of course, you really want to. You cling to us to give you a drop of magic, but we are not who you think we are. I am you, the you that you suppress deep inside and go searching for all over the world. There, you found yourself, in different shapes and sizes. We are all one, because you don’t want to be yourself.’
I don’t believe this.
‘Is this a bad dream?’
‘It is indeed. The only difference is that only you can choose when and if you’re going to wake up from it.’
I stare at him in silence, and he gets back to his writing. I notice how he doesn’t initiate a conversation – he just answers my questions.
‘Hey, stranger…’
‘You can call me that, he says, although you’ve met me at least three times so far. I’m not exactly a stranger anymore.’
‘If I ask you to be the one leaving, will you?’ the words come out of my mouth slowly, tediously.
I am tired of this, and I don’t even try and hide it.
‘I might, but you’ll meet me again at the exit of this park.’
‘What will you look like then?’
‘Whatever might catch your eye at that point of your existence, I guess. I can’t be sure yet.’
‘That point of my existence would be a few minutes from now,’ I laugh. ‘Do you want to share a cigarette with me?’
‘I don’t smoke,’ he says.
‘But I do.’
‘Oh, only until you become your favourite self. You won’t want to kill that.’
‘Fine, I’ll have one.’
I inhale the smoke and wait for his answer, but remember that he is only there for my disposition or whatever he claims.
‘So tell me,’ I say, ‘how can you not know what I’ll be looking for in five minutes? Do I not want the same things all the time?’
‘I don’t know, do you?’
I shrug.
‘So you think I want to look like an undercover detective who comes to the park and writes novels, right?’
‘On some days I am sure you do. More or less. I am pretty sure you don’t want to be a man,’ he laughs, ‘but I had to get your attention somehow.’
‘Okay,’ I laugh, ‘what else?’
‘Why don’t you tell me that?’
I guess two can play this game.
‘Well, you got one thing right, I do want to be a writer. But I don’t want to be a writer yet.’
‘How so?’
‘I don’t know, I guess I could try, but I feel so drained that I think I’d be a terrible writer. I hardly believe in magic, that must be why I want to find it so badly.’
‘How about you create it? Have you thought of that?’
‘I can’t even recreate myself; you said it.’
‘Oh, no. Don’t recreate anything, please. That’s like taking expired food and trying to make a cake from it.’
‘Oh, thanks.’
‘I don’t mean that… it’s all an allegory, you know?’

‘An allegory?’
‘Yes. Things are not what they seem to be, but what you want them to be. It’s up to you to give them the meaning that suits you. I can only tell you what you need to learn.’
‘And what is that?’
‘Until you assume your new identity, that’s crawling to get out of your skin and drip onto every bit of reality you get in contact with, you will see it in everyone and hate it every time. In fact, it will be all you ever see – like now.’
‘Oh.’
‘You wanted the shortcut to being beautiful, I’m giving it to you. You wanted to know how that works – this is how it works. You shed your old plums and turn into a masterpiece. You believe in your new identity, and you will become it. But you have to believe. You wanted bits of insights from strangers, I’m giving you them. You must, suddenly and strangely even, become the people you turn to for help. You are drawn to them because they hold little pieces of who you are. But in this case, they are not different people. They are all reflections of who you are on the inside. But hurry up, because becoming yourself shouldn’t be your only purpose in life. In fact, all of this is less about becoming and more about understanding the price of freedom.’
‘I look really closed up, don’t I?’
‘Need I tell you this? You’re walking among mirrors and you still don’t wake up. So tell me, if you were a writer, what would you create first?’
‘Well… I don’t know, myself I guess. I think I’d have long hair and a rocking body, but I’m not so keen on physical features, because I’ve been getting new ones all my life. I’d be loud and strong though, and very, very brave.’
He sighs and goes on writing his stuff.
‘Wait, what are you doing? I thought you wanted to hear what I want.’
‘I do, but you’re fantasizing right now. Maybe you could save that for your writings and stop selling me lies. Can I rephrase this? Stop lying to yourself.’
‘How am I lying?’
To my surprise, I now find out that his eyes look just like mine.
‘You were a stranger by choice, remember? Then you stopped being a stranger and became successful; then you went to a party, hid on the porch to talk to yourself, didn’t like what you heard and left before midnight. You don’t want to be that girl you’re describing; otherwise you would have been her already, when given the chance. Now tell me, who do you really want to be?’
‘I think I just want to be me’ I admit, staring at the ground, ‘but a more refined version of it. One that goes out alone, smiles in mirrors, is honest about herself. I want to feel free, just like you said. Oh, and definitely a writer. Are you still listening? I don’t know what else to say. What do you think?’
He seems to be paying me no attention.
‘Hello?’ I shout, nervously.
‘I’m sorry, what’s wrong?’ he asks, turning to me and looking terribly confused. ‘Have we met?’
‘Who are you?’ I ask, gnashing my teeth.
‘I’m… Martin. I’m a writer. I don’t understand… who are you?’
‘Mel… I am a writer as well.’
His face brightens up, as if I gave the right answer in classroom and saved everyone.
Or I’ve just felt proud of myself for the first time, and think that the universe is proud of me too.
I’m not sure.
‘What do you write?’
‘Just fantasy,’ I answer, my voice shaking a little.
‘Oh, that’s fantastic!’ he laughs. ‘So what are your stories mostly about?’
‘Myself, I suppose,’ I finally say and get the warm feeling again.
He smiles and I feel a little lost, and a little brave, and very much curious to see what comes next.

Hey, Anyone Who Works in Publishing Around Here?

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Dear everybody/all 3 of you who will read this,

I’m looking for someone who works in the publishing industry and can be easily contacted. I want to apply for work experience in the industry, and it would be extremely helpful if someone who knows what companies are looking for could quickly see my CV & cover letter before I send them out. This is just to make sure they’re alright and I actually have a chance of getting some emails back.

I don’t ask for much – 10 minutes of your time, and maybe another 5 to tell me ‘Hey, I wouldn’t get back to you if you emailed me that in other circumstances, but in this case, here’s what you can improve –’

Thank you!

How to Sneak Out of Your Second Story’s Window, Intro

After Strangers, I thought I’d go back to just blogging while dealing with my third and final year at uni. But despite all the work and fun it brings, it doesn’t feel quite enough. I want to write some more; I want my characters brought back to life and given something to do, while I deal with the mundane world. So after giving it a thought – and then a few more, just to make sure, I finally decided that yes, I can write a novel. After all, the worst thing that can happen is failure, and even then I’d still be left with, you know, life and other cool stuff. But it can also turn out pretty great. I wrote the draft of the introduction this morning, so spotting the nonsense at this early stage is impossible and I’d really appreciate some thoughts. We’re all designed to fear (constructive) criticism, but I’ve recently and pleasantly discovered that it doesn’t hurt that bad, so please be merciless. Well, maybe with a little bit of consideration for the effort. Ah, but in other news, Jonathan Carroll (look him up, then maybe order all his books on eBay, like I did) wished me good luck with my writing and, with this said, I’ll go back to my original thought – you can now be merciless. Thank you.

 

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November rain is cutting through the stillness of the day, as a reminder for them to be present – a reminder that they are finally together, even without much to say, and that maybe they shouldn’t drift apart from each other yet.
It’s still early, and conversation is hard to hold. Their voices are breaking too often. They sound nervous and uneasy, like cold, timid souls clinging to their comfort zones. Nobody can tell they used to be lovers, and they can’t tell if they are ever going to be lovers again.

But she looks at him like he is glowing. His presence is the small bliss of her morning. He leans back in his chair, arms folded behind his head, and watches her drawing patterns on the table with the tips of her fingers. She is surprised to find him grinning, not knowing he is remembering her drawing circles with her fingers across his back. He always liked to watch her draw – and she was always in a rush to start or finish a sketch, from what he remembers – and wondered where she got her ideas from. The few times he asked, she turned around, her soft brown hair curled like smoke in the air, shrugged and put on a naive face that filled him up with feeling, like warm water rising up his body. A face she put on many times, to protect answers she didn’t want to give; and he went back to his novels, and his plans about how it was going to be. It was, of course, going to be wonderful, he thought every time. But since he came back, he realised he doesn’t know how to pick up the pieces anymore. He wants to tell her about everything he saw in his journeys, all the experiences he had and all the people he met and all the towns he got lost in only to come out as a cleaner, better, stronger man. This was, after all, why he left in the first place, but now that he is back he doesn’t know where to begin to make the puzzle where his life out there and their life back here fit together nicely, creating the wonderful picture he dreamt of so many times.

The coffee warmed her entire body. She likes watching the brown sugar melting into her drink, and the hot steam rising up from it. It’s half eight in the morning and, if on most Saturdays she’d rather be asleep this early, this Saturday is special. She fought the magnetic pull to crawl back to warmth and dreams and splashed her face with tap water from the kitchen sink. During all those months she daydreamed about him coming back, about the rumble of his car and his enormous backpack with maps and diaries and perhaps little gifts for her poking out. He would have buttoned up a white shirt and wore a smile for her, as if those months of being away only served to prove how strong they were. But instead, she woke up to find him in a café near the train station, and they are sitting quietly in a cloud of smoke. At first, she felt anxious and wanted to ask him lots of question; but she has been waiting for too long to stain their first date with stupid meaningless words and reveal the nothingness that’s been filling the air everywhere she went. She’s been counting down months to be here, and she wasn’t going to ruin it. In the end, what she always loved most about them as a couple was how they didn’t need artificial smoothness to be comfortable around each other. She thought their silence must be the proof that that was back; and then refused to think about it anymore.

Little over a year ago, she lived for nothing else but their world and her art. She was amazing at erasing the contours of her real life and infusing herself with magic. She sprinkled their world with high hopes every morning and got him used to goodness, and he saw her as a different kind of explorer – the kind that could soften abrupt beginnings and loose ends, escape wanderlust, avoid exorcising the abstract inside because she could embrace the unknown. She was wonderful in a warm and meaningful way that he always admired and secretly envied. She was kind, easygoing and peaceful to watch at work. She’d paint sunlight and shades, and skin and words and light, and every time she showed him another finished canvas it felt like Christmas day. Later in their dating days, she told him that he makes her come alive as a wilder creature than she’s ever imagined herself to be. But as much as part of him wanted her to be that, more of him wanted her to stay the same beautiful, blue-eyed, calm girl he fell in love with at the fun fair near the ocean. When he decided he was going to leave for a while, it was the first time he saw her upset, angry and, above all, scared. She begged him to stay; told him about all the plans she’d made in her head and never dared to share with him. He laughed quietly to himself, and she thought he laughed at her plans but what he laughed at were his. He knew that going away was selfish and, after all, stupid, but he was not going to wait another year. Something told him that she was still going to be there. That she was still going to be here. But like the guy who said you can’t stand in a river at exactly the same place twice, he somehow knew he was never, ever going to find the same beautiful, blue-eyed, calm girl he fell in love with at the fun fair near the ocean again.

Her soul was far from her shore too, but in a different way. Her paintings speak for her – they are like marbles thrown up into the air. She leaves you wandering and working out the pattern, and moves on to the next one. He never understood them, but liked them all. They were beautiful and incomplete and strange – just like her, and he knew he could fall in love with her a thousand times, once for every new painting and new bit of soul that she’d reveal. He liked her mysterious nature and her love for open endings and multiple interpretations. He wasn’t like that; he was a planner, a doer. She was like water, running down his fingers and dripping from his skin to the ground. He didn’t like their silence; he was losing her in between minutes and November rain.

Her finger tips are still lightly pressing down onto the table, like they used to dig their nails into his arms. He clenches his fists.
‘I’m really happy to see you,’ he finally says.
He knows he’s fighting against one year and four months, but feels determined to drag her back into the story. Although, none of them is any longer in it. They both have new stories, and to leave them for an old, unfinished one is to dangerously rewind time and thoughts. But her eyes sparkle, and he can’t think of parallel lines anymore. They are finally here, together. This has to be the one that leads to infinity, with them on it.
‘I don’t know what to say to that,’ she answers. ‘I’m happy to see you too, but this feels so much like a dream. It’s like you’re going to vanish in a minute, and I’ll be left staring at happiness particles floating into the air like confetti.’
‘Mel, I am back,’ he says softly, ‘and I am not going to vanish unless you ask me to, and maybe not even then. I’m ready now to share everything with you, and I want you to share everything with me.’
She puts the mug back onto the table and lets out a big heavy sigh.
‘I haven’t got as much to share as you. This would be unfair –’
‘No, it wouldn’t.’
‘To me.’
‘Oh.’
‘The more you’ve lived and the more you have to tell me, the less I feel that my paintings still mean anything to anyone other than me. It’s an indescribable feeling – to let imaginary worlds form onto paper and then pretty them up, but that’s all I can do. Frankly, it’s all I want to do, too. ‘
He watches her lips moving, fascinated.
‘You wouldn’t know this, though, because you’re a traveler; but I’m not, and I haven’t got much to say.’
‘Listen, we’ll tie up the loose ends. I’ll make a rope or a ladder – don’t laugh – and come rescue you from negativity. I’m back, just like I said I’ll be. You can take your colours with you, I’ll take the maps and albums and we’ll build something beautiful out of photographs and imaginary corners of the world. I’ll tell you all the stories and you’ll paint them, and somebody will feel inspired and write purple, poetic prose about all this. It’ll be like reinventing the wheel, but make it even greater. What do you say?’

She doesn’t really say anything. She drinks her coffee and nervously suggests that they go for a walk. What he doesn’t know is that for her, it’s getting late and her boyfriend is waiting to have breakfast together downtown, before his book signing at their favourite library. It was there where she met him. He thought she was the most beautiful woman in the room, and after the speech he invited her for coffee the next day. She blushed, but thought of her boyfriend and, in a firm voice, said she doesn’t have coffee with strangers. He didn’t seem to like her answer, so she had to add that she liked his new book nevertheless – which was true, anyway. His face then brightened up and he said that reading a book is like drinking a coffee with the author, and vice versa. She couldn’t think of another excuse.
He holds the door open for her and the sun hits him in the face. She makes a joke about how unpredictable the weather is, and he tries to laugh. The broad daylight makes everything that took place inside feel rather surreal and embarrassing. It’s still cold, and she slips her hands into her pockets. He wanted to hold her hand, but wasn’t quick enough, so gives up on that thought. Her face looks fresh and beautiful and he can’t think of anything smart to say. After a short and awkward silence, she moans about the low temperature and suggests they could meet up after lunch. He agrees and she kisses him on the cheek, then turns right and quickly walks away, checking her phone. He almost wants to follow her home, on the short narrow streets he used to know so well, but doesn’t. Instead, he walks down to his red car in the otherwise empty car park, crashes in the driver’s seat and lights up a cigarette. He has to think of a way to win her back before midday, and before another man sweeps her off her feet with better words and better plans than his.

Piece of mind

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‘Now,’ she says, ‘get me out of my head. It’s much too quiet here.’
‘Fine,’ I’d whisper, ‘where to?’
And she’d smile at me, with that smile of the kind of girl she is. That smile everyone must have seen at least once in their lives. The smile of the kind of girl you don’t forget too easily.
‘Let’s get out of this place,’ she insists, and looks around as if the room has suddenly shrunk. ‘I miss wild love and short stories.’
I know the things she misses. It’s the things that make her come alive. I’ve been watching her all night, taming feelings inside wine glasses, hoping for stormy weather. Chaos would be a good excuse to throw memories out to sea.

She is the kind that any sane man would get a pack of cigarettes with and run away to hell, tightly holding her hand. In the morning, she drinks coffee with milk in between white sheets, used books, youthful intentions; car keys, notes, clothes, dark, scratched walls. It’s the time of day when she believes in more than she can put her finger onto. At night, she turns hours into days, speeding through them like they were eternal. The soft white of summer and the cold of winter diving into her bones are the only ends of her world. All that’s in between – novels and paintings, nostalgia, street corners, red leaves, street lights, the moon, moving cars, people, breathing – is halved chances to get it right. The kind of girl she is; a time runner, from the grounds to the skyline and back again, like a racer for bliss, and beauty and beliefs.

‘Tomorrow I disappear,’ she confesses, and I know it’s because tonight has been much too heavy and silent with her. ‘I go explore the lengths to which life can take me. After, I can move slow and calm, like floating across heavens and night skies.’
She moves her head down. I can see the jars with flowers she keeps on the light wooden window frame, next to a couple of empty glasses and a moneybox. A mug of hot chocolate is steaming at her elbow. Outside, the fog is still permeating the city. Her comfort zone looks warm, feminine and welcoming. She lifts her head up again, and looks back into the mirror.
‘You haven’t lived until you’ve lived like that, don’t you agree?’ she asks in a gentle voice.
‘It’s only October,’ I’m ready to answer. ‘You won’t find what you’re looking for in the fall. It can’t shake your grounds yet.’
But I know that, just like in the morning she believes in life, at night she believes in better days. I am no one to disagree. Ah… it amuses me. I am no one.

After all, it’s high time she gets out of here. She hasn’t caught fire yet, and talking to me is unlikely to spark her.
But passivity isn’t what kept her awake tonight. She’s been thinking of trains and smiles and sunsets, and holding hands with beautiful strangers who remind her that sadness is overrated – I know, because she’s been talking to me the whole time.

‘All the things that I’m missing,’ she tells me, ‘make me want to find myself on the leather car seat first thing at dawn, and head west one more time. I need another chance to live like that, like a second right to be born into this world. I’ll keep taking them, again and again, because I don’t see what else is there to do with this soul surplus I have.’

She moves one hand slowly around her neck, and wipes the steam off the mirror with the other. I believe we’re done here.

Strangers, Dreams and, oh, Vanity Sprinkles

“Anca Dunavete (born 12 September 1992) is from Timișoara, Romania. She is studying Journalism and Media Studies at the University of Portsmouth and mapping out the future. So far, she’s pinned down writing, owning a dog and continuing to live by the sea. If she ever becomes a publisher, she might, however, change her location.

She blogs at www.ancadunavete.com

 

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Well, sometimes she blogs. Other times, she gets caught up in life’s clever ways of keeping her away from her dreams and takes a nap there. But for now…

Strangers is (a)live! Finally, the eight short stories written by me and Cristian over the summer are on Amazon, and I couldn’t be more excited. I hope you get them, I hope you read them and I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed writing them – having no idea where they’re taking me, but loving every word. Yeah, that’s my secret, don’t steal it.

To tell you more about how this beautiful achievement makes me feel – I am over the moon, but also more motivated and willing to work for more-of-this-please than ever before. I’m planning to grow, brand and market this blog like I should have done already; but those were the days when my writing was, to me, just what I eventually called it – Escapism.

Now, I believe in more than that. I believe that I can use it as a tool to shape my world, and why not, your worlds for the better. And, because I want to take this one step further, I am soon going to apply for work experience with publishing companies too. I want to do for others what has been done for me, understand and learn more about the industry and, finally, run my own publishing house. These are still only dreams, but crazier things have happened. Like, hey, look at this. :)

If you were wondering whom I’ve dedicated the book to – here you go:

“To the wonderful people who believe in my writing – and Cristian, for not only believing but making this book happen. I can only hope to prove how right you were. Anca”

Are you on the list, then? If so, thank you.

September; Plot Twists

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She’d been racing with the setting sun on the road, waiting for summer to begin. Summer is always promising, and she desperately wanted something to believe in, something to keep her warm, somebody to love.

She loved him when her feelings were still raw and clear. Summer was hot and hazy and breathtaking, and the road seemed to go on forever. Intensity was rising higher than she’d ever expected life to take her. He gave her so much love that soon, she was also pouring love into other people. He didn’t mind.

‘Beautiful things are meant to be shared.’ he told her.
She continued his smile. Their trades were always fair – one gave love, the other joy.
She was joy.

*

By now she knew that warmth only lasts as long as summer, that summer was over and that so was the way she used to feel about things.

She was going to be more careful this time around. More careful with the yeah-buts, the what-ifs, the not-nows. When she first used them, she was a child. She didn’t know a wrong move could end the game, because people always told her that the right thing to do was what she felt, so she did what felt right. This time, everything ended up feeling wrong.

She’d been telling herself for a while that things didn’t have to be how they were, but how she saw them. But her vision changed with the end of summer. Bright reds turned into dark shades of autumn, blending together in a sadness that she could not pick the happy pieces out of. Let it be, she sighed to herself and embraced her new-found sad place.

In the summer, there were only love, laughter and confusion. Now, things have settled down and the confusion was gone. Together with it, though, so were the other two.

She wanted to ask him to talk her out of it, but knew she’d only have silence for him. After a while, you forget the words that should have meant the world at the right time. You forget your intentions, your musts, your could-have-beens. You’re left with the bitter taste of the present. Carpe diem, she smiled through the tears.

Her sadness was nothing new anymore. Having it ripped off, even by someone as gentle as him, was no longer an option. She hated it. And she became it.

At night, she would wake up with cold hands and feet, and pillows piled up high under her head. Joy still sprung out of her consciousness like loud screams, keeping her awake. She always slept in the position of a question mark. The answer was him every time.

But after a while, she was once again burning hot with desire to stay alive, even if life was going to be tough; she wanted to be tougher. Bitterness became too consuming. It wasn’t a wonderful world, but it was something; and she was slowly moving towards nothingness.

She embarked on a personal journey to winter. Winter is never as bad as they make it look like in stories. In stories, winter is a metaphor; it’s when your soul grows icicles out of your unhappiness. She wasn’t looking for happy; she was looking for something else, so winter might have been her place. But it took her a while to figure out what she needed. Yet, if she was going to get there anyway, she might as well have walked at her own pace.

*

She left without knowing why and didn’t ask for warm hugs from no one. It was only at night that she still looked for the little warmth left inside her body. Summer was hot and hazy and breathtaking, and she forgot to save some for the upcoming winter. But summer is always infinite while it lasts; no one ever thinks of September.

It was almost October.

She travelled light, forgetting names and faces as she moved from one place to another. She didn’t buy postcards or souvenirs because happiness is the only thing that unhappiness comes out of, once consumed. She wanted to save herself the tears. She only wanted to save herself.

She slowly began to move focus from him to something bigger. Life was, at that point, strip after strip of the seen and the unseen, and the felt and the unfelt, and the lived and the forgotten-to-live that covered her up and suffocated her.

She knew that everything once considered new eventually adds up to the enormous pile of things no longer necessary, but unable to dissolve in her bloodstream. That the new becomes old with every blink. Fresh and exciting, it knocks at your door and you can’t help but have it in, when home is already full of things that came wrapped up in fresh and exciting. After a while, immobility calls itself maturity. She didn’t want to go there yet. She didn’t want to go anywhere else either, but had she stayed put, it would have happened.

There was a mountain of herself knocking at her door; it looked pretty, but had she let it in, it would have torn her apart.

What to do with the beautiful things whose time has passed? She didn’t want to bring yesterdays back around. She only wanted to know the answer to a single question: What to do with the beautiful things whose time has passed?

She missed him, every now and sunset, every sunrise and then, and sometimes, all the times in between. That summer was the greatest burden she’d ever carried around, and getting rid of the rest only seemed to add clarity to it. Andy Warhol said that he hated getting boxes of chocolate, although he loved it so much. The thought of having an entire box of chocolate waiting to be finished was such a pressure that he had to eat it all at once, unable to enjoy it. He just wanted to finish it. Them. Something. Everything. She wanted to finish with all of her old self, but every time she got to his gift of love things complicated. She couldn’t enjoy them anymore and she couldn’t consume them all at once either. Killing love and summer seemed unbearable, even when their time had long passed.

She looked for the answer wherever she found a little bit of him, or her, or truth and hardcore feelings like she remembered her summer. But the world isn’t always a mirror. Sometimes it didn’t show her the details she was looking for – then she knew the mirror trick was a lie. The world was the trace line; all the rest was personal.

What to do with the beautiful things whose time has passed? became the soundtrack of the journey. She couldn’t find anywhere to bury beauty, because she was afraid she’d feel unbeautiful without it. The idea of creating something new scared her too. Liberating far less than frustrating, it would have only added up to the weights dragging her down, forcing her to stay. She didn’t want to stay. Staying also scared her.

Bouncing from one place to the next, she was stuck in fear. Free as a bird, with long, heavy chains around her heart. Her blood was turning colder every night, and she blamed it all on the now unavoidable winter.

*

By now she knew the answer wasn’t to be found in more films watched alone on weekends, more coffee shared with friends in foolish attempts to figure life out, more pillow talk before yet another sleepless night. The answer wasn’t in any of these places.

Anything can happen. Anything goes, she thought. She’s taken her foot off the pedal. Life could take her places, interesting as they might be they wouldn’t have what she was searching for. And without knowing for sure what it was, she couldn’t abandon something so precious. Who knew?

She wasn’t searching anymore.

*

The only things that I never regretted having done, not having done or not-having-done-enough-and-only-got-to-almost-there were the things that I lived fully. That went through me like hurricanes, leaving nothing behind. No weights, no pictures, no second hand hope. No yeah-but, no what-if, no could-have-been. Nothing, but just a changed self. Because what’s the point of all of this, if you don’t let it change you? If change doesn’t end up swimming in my new blood, I don’t want it to occupy my mind; I don’t want it at all.

I don’t know the answer to my question, I never found it. It was what I’ve been looking for, but it was nowhere to be found. Eventually, time lets you live with your seen and unseen, felt and unfelt, lived and forgotten-to-live, but you don’t lose them. You can’t lose something you forgot to lose when you should have, or you forgot to hold on to. You live with the regret and, if you’re lucky, the beautiful things whose time has passed. But if you do it right, you find the answer to a better question: What to do with the beautiful things whose time is just about to come?

Take them in. Like a hot, hazy July, the afterglow, going places, facing hard questions and deep fears. Like change, so you never have to ask yourself again where to bury the leftovers of summer, because your fire will burn even the ashes, she wrote down.

Forever 21

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I know my picture doesn’t look like a birthday cake; that one will be on my Facebook soon. But I thought I’d let you too know that in 30 mins, I turn 21, and my biggest wish right now is to grow as a writer & make this blog bigger and better in the year to come – because everything else in my life is going great, so there isn’t much left to wish for. I’m kidding, but I’ll still keep the rest to myself, because I never wanted to make this space personal in that way. Here on my blog, I want you to like my writing or not like me at all, because this is how I choose to express myself. So far, it’s my favourite way. Way cooler than Instagram too.

Thank you everyone for supporting Strangers and I can only hope that once it’s out, and that will be soon, it will contain beautiful stories written by me and Cristian and you will help me make this wish come true. Also, every like, comment, follow and share is really appreciated! I do notice them, yes.

Until then, I want to show you what 16-year-old me did: secretly wrote a novel that my dad secretly read. Then, he decided to help me publish it. I didn’t appreciate it much at the time, because I didn’t feel ‘ready’. I do now. I keep it on my desk at home – although I’m flying to the UK for another 3 months this weekend, but y’know – to remind me that if publishers then liked me, publishers now should love me! Or at least that’s what I wish for my 21st birthday.

 

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Deconstructing Life

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There is a nice apartment over the bakery. It is inviting, relaxing, with an air of sophistication and maturity. It is where he first opened the door for her, and where she touched his face with new love on her fingers and let warmth spread throughout her body.

The whiteness of the kitchen’s walls holds a painting of a dark blue river running wild over black rocks. She thinks of it as her stop-start anxiety, and she smiles. She knows there is a fist-sized hole behind. She think of it as him.

One night, when it was raining lightly outside, she leaned out of the window to wave him goodbye when a hot wind whipped across her arms. It was still summer. He was the kind of man who made her think. He made her think that she was happy. Thinking about it now feels to her like looking over a fence to someone else’s summer.

When she lifted her head up all she saw was snowflakes, so she went back to bed, gently took his hand and showed him to the windows. His eyes went straight to her dark coffee eyes. The music faded to a background noise and life stopped and stood still for a while.

Then the blood in her veins went crazy and it started raining.

 

She loved the adrenaline rush. The girl with, seemingly, vanilla personality and purple prose was dying. There was somebody else fighting to live inside her, who wanted winter over summer, then summer again. Everything and all at once, packed up in a big snowball that rolled down a hill, faster and faster with every breath she took, because she couldn’t stand the moment. Maybe it was the courage coming from the new-found happiness, asking life for more lemons. Maybe it was the frightening something in still life: the smell of death, a familiar sight, nothingness, or maybe everything, because both look just the same. They look like the ending.

He left, because the way she used to feel about things was over. Raindrops kept falling on his head. He felt tired; tired of living, because life gets tiring sometimes. Simplicity complicated overnight, so he had to move on from the things that weighed him down. Maybe she likes the rain, because it washed the forever away from her skin and she never liked tattoos anyway, he thought. But she closed the windows to the chilly rain; the house was turning cold.

They’d been shipwrecked there for a long time. They deconstructed life and made a mess, so it was hard to leave. But now it was hard to start building again.

 

She liked her first great escape. She knew where she was. It was an indefinite moment in time, one that doesn’t get mentioned in stories because it doesn’t exist – stories have no time for praising the rebels unless it leads to taming them. She was in between stories, jumping from one building to the next, making self-love happen in a heart that always had to refill from elsewhere. She could see the light, and was scared to take her eyes from it again. She wanted better. She could have lived with worse too. Anything, but something more, or less than the flat line.

After a while, she wanted back to their old life. She wanted back, because back felt nice and it smelled like home, and because she had figured things out. Some people are made of light. Some are made of darkness. What am I made of? Most of the time it feels like I’m made of past, she wrote somewhere. Then she ran around her past in circles, struggling to keep her distance, until he left for good and part of it collapsed. It didn’t feel right. This wasn’t supposed to happen. Her breakaway wasn’t the answer, because the answer felt wrong. Trying to divide times proved to be like drawing chalk marks on water. Life felt liked a burden, but all the months she had spent separating winter from summer and high school from love next to him, putting them on different hangers to create more space suddenly became just as useless. Burdens, she realised, be them him or her earlier days weren’t the reason why she didn’t feel alive.

 

‘You know what alive feels like?’ she asked him over the phone one month later, when she finally dared to call him.
He shook his head, but didn’t say anything.
‘It feels like now,’ she said, and he could hear a smile in her voice.
It was like a lasso.

 

The Art of Being a Fan

Originally posted on Cristian Mihai:

No matter who or where we are, we consume art on a daily basis. We listen to songs, go to the cinema, or spend a lazy afternoon enjoying a good book.

But why is it that art is so important? Why is it that our lives would feel empty, pointless, filled with blank spaces without art?

Art is important for a million different reasons: we consume art because it inspires us, because it gives us purpose, motivation, ambition, and it makes us dream. Art shows us a world we would’t dare imagine by ourselves. We consume art simply because it’s beautiful… a beautiful voice can be admired just for that, so is a beautiful painting.

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Glimpses of Better

He’s been staring at me for a couple of minutes now and I’m getting uncomfortable. I tried to make some jokes to show him that I’m fine, but he didn’t believe me. Of course he didn’t believe me.
‘What did he do to you this time?’
‘Who’s him?’
‘I don’t know,’ he shrugs. ‘I never know this.’
I give him a frowning look, then look away.
‘Nothing,’ I say and take a deep breath.
‘Oh. Then what are you doing here with me?’
Good question.

I rest my chin on my knees and gaze at him from behind the long fringe. I know he expects me to say something, anything.

So what do I tell him? That others have stained me with their sad endings, and their sadness mixed up with mine? That pieces of me were spread everywhere and I felt like an empty cardboard sheet where once used to be a beautiful puzzle? That I need him close because in a world as cold as ice, his warmth flows like lava and mine, like drops of blood coming from a paper cut? Do I tell him this? I’m not sure.

 

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‘I came to… talk,’ I whisper, almost to myself.
‘There we go,’ he smiles. ‘I’d like that. You have so much to say.’
I smile back.
‘But don’t give me facts, dates, definitions. Don’t tell me about somebody who hurt you, about somebody who loves you, about somebody who’s messing you up’ – he grabs my cup of coffee and drinks it before I can say anything – ‘I don’t give a shit about that. We all have the same set of stories. Tell me about what you’ve learned out of it.’
‘Ah, I don’t think I’ve learned a thing this time around either,’ I laugh.
That’s all I can say.
He seems pleased.
I am transparent.

‘He did something to you again…’
‘People always do something to me,’ I laugh.’ Or they don’t do anything – which is even harder to swallow.’
‘Let me tell you something,’ he says in a soft voice and takes my hand into his. ‘Mel, you’re bouncing between extremes at the minute. I know you like to feel alive and this makes you anything but lifeless, but anybody can live a bad life. It’s not even called life, it’s survival through shocks. Wild, yes, but still survival. You think that anger is the strongest drug to keep you on the go. It gives you drive and energy in exchange for peace and quiet. It gets you out of everyday’s misery to make you a heroine in your own world, where you fight windmills and guys you meet at the bar who offer you starts of great love stories. It’s a hell of a storyland, isn’t it? I look at you and see the most beautiful present somebody could get, but you’re already wrapped, ready for delivery. You become extravagant, ostentatious, unwanted. You make me question your value, since you give up on yourself so easily. I can see you. You’d do anything to get rid of yourself.’
I hold my breath.
‘You don’t see serene Mel,’ I protest.
‘You are not serene Mel. I’ve never met her either.’
His words are clever and always cut me open.
Perhaps the reason why sadistic Mel always comes back to him.

‘Your anger is starting to work against you. It’s sedating you with ignorance – which is far from bliss like they claim, isn’t it? This is the last stage of the cancer of your mind. You’re turning numb, beautiful. Immune to life. And you wanted it so badly.’
I keep looking at the ground, thinking of how I do indeed feel happily ever trapped in the illusion of freedom and boundless energy – the two things that were supposed to be the fuel to my fire. The two things I was too afraid to use, so that I don’t waste them too early and lose them forever. The two things that, when preserved in fear and kept out of freshness, rotted in me and I got indigestion and, eventually, depression.
But he quickly lifts my chin up.
‘I think you’re mind-numbingly bored lately, up there in your little waiting space, so you’re taking all the piles of magazines and wrong people and strong cigarettes and distractions you can find. But you’ve kind of exhausted all options, haven’t you?’
I put my arms around his neck and mumble something, but he doesn’t listen. I don’t blame him.
‘Mel, if the wreck of the day always turns into invaluable memories, how do you expect to keep an open heart?
Dear him.
‘Sad people are like blood clots, waiting there to kill you,’ he says and runs his fingers through my hair.
I’m loving it.

‘You don’t need somebody to lick your wounds if you learn a few things.’
I take my empty mug and go to the kitchen window, but realise too late that it’s been emptied out.
He grabs a chair and sits next to where I’m standing.
‘There always needs to be enough room in your heart to let the light in, to let new people in, to let better people in. To let yourself in. Never fill yourself up to the top with feelings.
‘Don’t compare. Something that you’ve filled up with feelings will always incline the balance in its favour. So let the new show you a few tricks before you reject it.
‘Put your heart into it, but don’t forget to take it back at the end of the day. Your life is the most precious thing you’ll ever have. Don’t give it away to anybody. Nobody needs it.
‘In the end, stop wishing for whatever it is that you once had. Be enthusiastic about how fast life goes, dig into experiences, dig into emotions, dig into dynamics, but never forget that there is a very fine line between curiosity and superficiality. Never cross it, or you might not find the way back.
‘Learn to live a beautiful life. Laugh at it and laugh with it, and anything you want – make it yours. Learn that life takes the good away from you only to give you better. If, by chance, you end up with nothing, then know that you are your own best gift from life.
‘Love more than you crave love, and know that if life takes and doesn’t give back it’s because you have the potential to be self-sufficient in that moment.
‘Don’t glue all those long-lost, rained over, half-broken pieces back together. You’re better off without them. Don’t dress-up. You work best as an empty canvas, a wide, airy, white room, a clean face – and a tan. Take only what is necessary, Mel. Take only what you love.
‘I’m not sure about what I love anymore.’
‘Well, it’s two in the morning and you’re having a dumb conversation with me. I can point at one thing for start.’

I can feel his heart pounding hard, so I lean back more and let him hold me tighter. There’s a sense of stillness in the air. I turn around and watch him. He is slowly moving his fingers up and down my shoulders. I love his touch. It’s always so gentle, so full of life. It fuels me up better than all the love the Universe is supposed to send back to me for being a good girl, and better than bitterness for sure. I mutter something about how sorry I am for driving him crazy. He says he’ll give me all of this in writing and let me have a read, then ask me questions. I want to know what kind of questions. He says that the first question will be why am I still feeling sorry for myself and the things I do and say. I laugh and tell him that I wasn’t serious. He laughs with me and tells me that I’d better not be lying.

Mindscape

Another sketch of a story that will be featured in Strangers. Thank you forr all the comments on my last post, they’ve been very helpful!

 

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I suppose that I let a secret bit of myself slip out when I told him what my definition of everlasting happiness is – the constant thrill of the new start. And it’s funny, because I realise what I’m doing. I’m contouring a whole new self in front of him, the self we both seem to like best. I know that, because I can see him falling for the girl he thinks I am. The most selfish of me wants to go along those lines he traces and fill me up with his favourite colour, to make sure he falls for good.
If only he knew that I don’t take new starts with my coffee in the morning, but I make them later in the afternoon, in between my stories.
If only he knew that I write so I can feel, because if I allowed myself to feel this way out of my writings, it would be setting myself on fire and watching my years burn.
Suddenly, he comes at my end of the table and shows me to get up. Then he puts his hands of my shoulders and locks eyes with me. I know that gaze. I have seen it before. It’s hungry and unreliable. It’s the gaze of a man whose vibrations and chances would go up or down a level, depending on mine. It’s the look in the eyes of a man I could read off a grocery list before spitting out a ‘Yeah, I love you too’ to him one day. He is the man who would end up telling me that he wishes I’d speak to him as well as I write, that he wants to date the other version of me, that I’m less than I advertise. The man who would end up coordinating my movements, my heartbeats, my weather report, who would crawl into my veins and replace my lava with his perfume, who would pull my eyelids up at night and refuse to let me go back to sleep. It’s the gaze of a man I could both love and hate and I’d be unable to find a shade of difference between one and the other. A man who would drive me insane, not metaphorically, but in real bloody life, who would alter me so badly that he would end up being the one to scribble my last artistically viable words and seal the letter.
There is a saying about the calm before the storm. I always thought of myself as the calm before the calm storm, or the calm before the drizzle. Or the calm before two white, fluffy clouds appear on the sky and turn pink with the sunset. But I underestimated the storm forming in my blood cells, because I was the calm before the apocalypse. And when it came, it asked no one. It hit me hard, like I deserved it. It showed me what writing can do for me, that no man on the face of Earth could.
Writing made me tick like nothing ever did. When I began writing, my demons stopped speaking over me. Writing took my hand and walked me to those monsters and made them come alive and walk to my beat. As soon as I decided what that beat would be, the monsters stopped torturing me and turned into strong characters and wilder chapters instead. I got to raise the hell within me and wear it proudly on a sleeve. My hell; my rich and alive imagination, like a rainforest with carnivore flowers and mellow, hypnotic music in the background that I used to dread like the longest, darkest hours of the nights when I couldn’t get any sleep. My imagination, I decided, I was going to use it until it bled and shouted that it needed rest, and then I was going to use it some more. Because, despite all, watching my imagination unfolding is like watching God at work – the best part of me, giving its best. Heavenly.
That’s when I decided I like the storm, the speed, the chaos more, and I was afraid to let men come close in case they ever wanted to replace my magic.
I look at him and think of how I’ll take this 2 a.m. and turn it into vivid dreams tomorrow.
But for now, snap and I’m back to myself, whoever that might be — and that’s the beauty of it.
After all, it’s not flesh and bones I want from life, but words. Words, to still my monsters and make me be the best that I can be, non stop. The ability to ask people to listen to this page I’m writing in my head as we speak, as we move, as we live.

 

She’s lying on the carpet with a cigarette in her hand, twisting her hair on her fingers. She tells me that nature creates man and then it abandons him. That people’s free will is like every other muscle in the body — left unused, it atrophies in time. That sometimes, the full is empty, and other times, the empty is full. A wool blanket covers her lap from the cold. The balcony’s door has been left wide open. I’m taking notes on the large sofa next to it. The night air is stronger now, my back feels cold. She doesn’t seem to mind. In the middle of her sentence, I can’t help it and interrupt her.
‘Do you believe in what you’re saying?’ I ask.
She bursts into a very feminine laughter. ‘Yeah right now, but not that often…’
She hands me her cigarette and I pull out a smoke, then ask about her writing. She tells me that they are like two almost lovers who first met in a bar many years ago, discovered they have a few friends in common and decided to see each other again; but she’s the one who can’t live without writing, and clings to it all the time. Writing is happy to just sip from a cup of tea at the table, in perfect stillness.
‘This is the path I’ve chosen,’ she tells me. ‘And I know it was the right one.’
‘How do you know?’
‘It’s easy to find it, really. You just look for the one that looks clear. All the other paths have road signs all over.’
‘Road signs?’ I laugh.
‘Yes, road signs, don’t laugh.’
‘And what do these road signs say?’
‘Just the usual: ‘right – wrong’, ‘failure – success’, ‘happiness – fear’. It’s confusing, you’re being told to slow down and speed up all the time. The fun beings when you get to crossroads and never know what to choose. Your heart is giving you the silent treatment, because so did you. Eventually, you turn to your partners for advice and have debates over things that mean nothing to you, and wonder at how boring life got as you aged,’ she laughs. ‘Your path is clear, and it’s all yours. That’s how you recognize it. You walk down the street whistling, and every now and then you let out your first ‘This is one on one, you and me, God! And it’s going great!’’
I wonder what does it mean when I feel that I failed as a writer, but decide not to ask her. After all, all roads get bumpy here and there. ‘I suppose the more you write about something, the biggest the desire to live it. Isn’t it so?
She looks at me as if wondering if I’m trying to find out her biggest secret —the secret of her aliveness. But rolls her eyes soon after. ‘Bullshit. Great writing comes from great living. This is why you don’t know how to write.’
I’m caught off-guard, and all I can do is pause and stare at her, stretching on the floor, smoking, smiling.
‘Because you lack intensity,’ she continues, knowing that I was waiting for an explanation, ‘because you don’t love your life, so life can’t love you back. You can’t turn such a dull existence into poetry. You can only make art out of beauty.’
This goes against everything I thought I knew about art. Stupefied, I ask her: ‘What about sadness?’
‘Who said sadness isn’t beautiful?’
‘How in the world is sadness beautiful?’ I shout, confused at her ability to lionize everything I run from.
She rolls over, gets up and comes sit on the sofa’s arm, next to me.
‘Take a good look at me.’ she whispers in my ear.

 

But when I take a good look at him, I realise that I can’t scare him. Not for long, anyway. The man’s got edge, even if I manage to take his confidence away every now and then. But he’s a lonely soul, I can see it in his eyes. He might be a puppet, but he is also the puppeteer. In his world, there’s no room left for doubt. If he starts doubting himself, he dies. His self-confidence is his only fuel and, artsy or not, he is still a beautiful human being that makes me wonder how can someone so different from me attract me so much.
I haven’t read his work. He hasn’t read mine either, I can tell. He avoids all talk about my book and tries to crayon me as the strong minded, crazy girl he sees behind this pose. Whatever makes me live, and write, and then live some more with the depth and density he thinks he sees, that’s what he is interested in. What makes me human, where my second hand hope comes from, what I make my decisions based upon – in fiction or live autobiography, which, on a second look, are one and the same.
There is good in this. It’s like a mind game at a first date, no preconceptions.
We’re strangers who seem to have been trapped in space and time – this room, this 3 a.m. is all we have.
So we cheat and we lie to pass the time, and wonder which one of us will give up first, who will be the first to take advantage of whom, who will be the first to tell the truth and nothing but the truth all the way.
For now, his breath smells like coffee and smoke. Mine is heavy.
I keep him guessing, and he draws me closer.
He asks me what is it that I don’t want to show the world, and begs me to show it to him.
I say that it’s everything, smile and remain evasive, ambiguous.
He thinks that I’m fresh and fantastic.
I think he is kind and gentle and take my cigarette back from between his fingers, to nervously pull a last smoke.
Soon, I’ll put my drink down and turn the lights on. I’ll wash my glass in the sink and hope to avoid all eye contact for a while.
It’ll take time until he figures that there is nothing on the inside as exciting as he thinks. I am like a veil that any light can shine through, but merely exists in the dark. In his light, I am bright orange, feverish, delirious and silky. But at times, I am opaque black. I didn’t take my time to contour a fixed personality. I don’t know what my definitions and status quos are. I can answer his every question about my soul, but I couldn’t tell him a thing about the girl who walks down the street in mere daylight, because I’ve never paid any attention to her.
He thinks I am a beautiful mystery.
I think that is a half-truth in any way you take it.

Sharp Prose

Opinions welcome; let me rephrase – Opinions needed !!!11 (in a less desperate tone of voice) 

The following paragraphs belong to a story called Sharp prose, that will very soon be featured in Strangers. It hasn’t been edited yet, since I’ve only just finished and I’m curious about your thoughts, so please don’t refrain from posting them! Thank you.

 

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There are two strangers outside my house. They are strangers to each other. One is Ava, the one who doesn’t belong. She doesn’t want to be here, in The North; in her body. She doesn’t want to be in the presence of somebody else. She is next to her lover, a man she isn’t herself around. Ava is quiet and evasive. She has many secrets that she’s left in places she’s forgotten now, and all there’s left is bruised noise in an empty warehouse, deafening her; they’re all inside her, she just can’t remember how to reach them. Ava is irrational and seductive, like a blurred vision of a promised land. She is not the promised land; she is the blur. Ava doesn’t know she is a stranger; she thinks she is her lover’s lover when in fact, she has run out of love a long time ago. I tried to capture her soul and when I couldn’t, I thought I lost my ability to see beyond the surface and write about the essence. Ava is dust, floating around the air in sunlight. She is so soft, so easy, so lost she can’t be grabbed by the heart and drawn onto paper. She has run out of essence. She is a stranger to herself.


I like Ava. She is light and beautiful. I can see her at a jazz concert, her brown skinny fingers around a bottle of beer, her presence opening doors to another world. She is slowly moving through the aquarium of feelings she’s trapped in, or to the rhythms of music. She hasn’t caught fire yet, but she is already conscious of the blood pumping through her veins and her heavy, fearful heart. Men try to buy her another beer; she keeps dancing on her own. Soon, she is one with the night, unaware of the others. This is how I see Ava reunited with herself – playing her part like fire and water, burning on the inside, icy cold on the outside; a stranger to all but the lost and found self she is steadily moving into. As the water cools down, she begins to laugh with men and women at the bar, but her heart is still fast, still steaming. At her best, Ava is lovely, with no other boundaries than the ones she makes; at her worst, Ava has no roots and no substance. She is her lover’s lover without loving herself first, a light presence that has a hard time being present in her world, her time, her self. A mix of unrefined particles carried from here to there by her thoughts, like snow carried up into the air in wintertime.

 

I suddenly felt Kevin’s touch on my shoulder.
‘Well, what is it?’
‘I… it’s sharp prose.’
‘What is sharp prose?’ he asked, amused.
‘It’s the kind of prose that hits you, like a knife into the flesh. That’s how strong it comes.’
‘Oh.’
‘When you read it, when you write it, and when you live it.’ I lifted my head up and he was looking at me like maybe I had lost my mind reading it.
‘Give me that,’ he said, but I tore the paper in halves and threw it out. ‘What have you done that for?’
I put my head out the car’s window to take a deep breath and cool off. The wind was even stronger. Kevin’s hand was on my back, pulling me inside.
‘Do you want to go back?’ he asked in a serious voice.

Excerpt

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Days before, I woke up and opened my eyes to the sun shining through the blinds. The guys were talking next to me; she was laughing at his every joke. I closed them back. I don’t like other people, I said to myself, they take too long. I’d already be up on the mountains if it wasn’t for them. I can’t see why they’re here, why we have to travel together, why God can’t give me one damn day to be happy, as a sample to show me what I’m missing out on.
The other guy got up and turned the radio on, then gently shook my left shoulder. I couldn’t pretend to be asleep anymore, so I opened my eyes again.
‘I knew you were awake,’ he said. ‘I saw you.’
‘Wonderful,’ I said, sarcastically. ‘I was indeed, you woke me up.’
‘No we didn’t,’ Kevin shouted from the front of the van.
I lifted my head and looked at him. He was sharing a drink with the girl. She liked him, no doubt.
‘What’s your girlfriend’s name?’ I whispered to the guy’s ear.
He huffed and looked at her. His face was in the sunlight and I, dizzy as I was, couldn’t stop staring at his skin, jawlines, lips.
‘She is not my girlfriend,’ he whispered and made me smile. I knew he lied, but I was happy he did.
I looked back at Kevin. He seemed happy; so did the girl. So did us, I was sure.
The new guy had his own music and insisted to play it. It sounded nice and filled me up with good vibes. Soon I got up for good and we were ready to be on our way again.
I sat in the back, with her. She told me they were going nowhere when their car broke down, halfway there. He turned around and smiled at us. I understood exactly what that meant. I told them Kevin and I had been there, and this was our great escape from the nothingness we found. They both laughed and nodded their heads, and I knew they understood me too. Kevin was, I assumed, concentrated on driving.
It was still early when we went to the café. Kevin asked me something and I agreed; it turned out I had agreed on another stop. We went in for breakfast and the other girl sat next to him. I didn’t mind.
At first I didn’t know the new guys’ names and wanted to ask for them, but as the time passed I felt more and more embarrassed. When Kevin agreed to take them with us I didn’t pay attention to what they said. They were strangers joining our road trip and I could only hope they would leave us alone again soon. Kevin laughed at my worried face; said we left to have fun and this was what we were doing. Strangers, however, weren’t my idea of fun. He told me to loosen up. I locked myself inside my head and threw the key out of the car’s window.
But the unwelcomed seemed to have found it the next morning. I felt more and more drawn to him as my Kevin and his almost lover were getting closer to each other. So were we.
I’ll call him R, as I found out later what his name was, but it isn’t relevant to the story. In my head, he will forever be a black spot with a white R in the middle, like a milestone on the road. R was charming and smelled of new, of rain on the roof and instant coffee and freshly cut grass, and my quest for perfection stopped right there for a while. I didn’t want right or wrong anymore, I only wanted fading colours on walls that weren’t home. He told us he didn’t want to be anywhere else but on the open road with us, in the back of a café, writing future plans on a white napkin. He longed for the clean feeling that only being away from what hurts can bring. I wanted to know what hurt, but he said it’s different for everyone, so I could just think about my story for a while; in the end, it feels just the same. He had a story that he didn’t want to share, and while his friend and Kevin were fine with that, it left me curious and impatient. R laughed at me and said that mind-wandering is not the same as travelling; that mind-wandering would eventually tie my arms and legs together and force me to live inside, which was the thing that frightened him the most. I thought he was wonderful from a distance, but stubborn, untouchable and difficult to love, after all.
‘I just want to know who you are,’ I remember telling him.
‘Then get to know me,’ he said. ‘I don’t need to tell you complicated stories from the past. Look at me, absorb my words, my looks, my gestures. This is my only truth. All the rest are fractured realities with a taste of imagination. Osmosis.’
I tried to sleep that night, but nothing; and then everything, all at once. I was exhausted to the point of insomnia. So tired I couldn’t sleep, and so tired I couldn’t live. I turned around and R was sleeping peacefully next to his friend at my left. Kevin was in the back, fidgeting in his sleep. I was wide awake, no matter what, so I took my sweater and went outside. The air was stronger up there, which, for the first time, I didn’t mind. I lay on the grass, counting stars and rethinking the trip. I spent what must have been hours in the back of my head, with an imaginary bottle of red wine and dark sunglasses on as the stampede of what-ifs had its fun in front of me. Detaching was hard. All I could do was wait for them to pass me by. This time, the cold air and R’s words changed the usual. They were the new dreamscapes, the new voices, the new smells of wilderness and of unfamiliar perfume in my world. R’s words came roaring through my mind, loud and eccentric, like the black spot on my light-coloured map of life. They seemed to be screaming from the top of his lungs, in his strong voice, almost covering my own. I wasn’t sure how to feel about it. R was different from me in a way that I couldn’t understand. He didn’t want to accept the burden of the definitions life had already given him, while I couldn’t think of myself in any other terms. I suppose we were like matching ends; he began where I ended, and the fine line between us were the limitations we couldn’t live with or without.
My head spinned for hours that night. I liked R and wanted to think of how to tell him that. Yet eventually I came to the conclusion that I only liked him because I wanted to be more like him. But it was going to take me time to learn, and time is nobody’s friend when they’re in a group. If I ever wanted to be like R, I had to detach from him and teach myself in silence from everything I was left with after being in his noisy presence.
The next morning, after we had breakfast, R and his girl told us they wanted to be on their own way again. We were in the craftsman’s village when they asked us to stop the car. They were going to stay there for the night and leave the following day. I asked them what their next stop would be; they both said they were still going nowhere, and laughed together. Kevin and I looked at each other and knew that it wasn’t real. She didn’t have a crush on him, as he didn’t have a crush on me. They were just a glimpse of another world, and every other world eventually becomes your own when you enter it. There’s an infinite number of worlds around us, as there are people and places and absurd possibilities. Worlds are born and destroyed all the time, sometimes in the same day, sometimes as soon as they are created.
Craving for new is very often pointless, for the new is rarely new and it almost never stays that way for long.
Kevin and I saw an illusion walking away from us and silently decided not to mention it again.

About Strangers

tumblr_mjvuhaUKLA1qkuylro1_r1_1280I don’t like telling you much about me. I would go as far as to say that I don’t like writing about myself, but that would be hypocritical since we all write about what we know best. This is, I believe, my third personal post on this blog, and I would not share it with you unless I had to. Before you wonder about what kind of girl I am, know that I am as much of a narcissist as most other girls out there – my blog, however, needs to stay clean of iPhone selfies and here’s-my-fab-dinner instagram photos (which I would never, ever take, unless I had to…). The reason for this is simple, and you might already know this one, but someone said that style is a way of saying who you are without having to speak. It might have been about fashion at that point, but what I’m saying now is that I’m trying to let you know me through my writings without telling you who I am. Most of you who read me do so because you enjoy it, not because you’re trying to figure out who I am, but at the same time my blog can create a certain image of me in your mind. If you ever come back to read more, I will believe I managed to give you quite a pretty picture; and even if you do so only because you enjoy it, it makes me just as happy. There was a reason why I didn’t start this blog with an introduction about the films I like and a joke about something that happened to me once upon a time. I wanted you to like my imagination, not my morning face and status update. But, and here’s when I finally get serious about this post (see? I can talk just as much as any other woman)…

About 2 weeks ago, Cristian Mihai and I told you about our upcoming project (click the link for details). Our plan is to self-publish a collection of short stories that we are currently in the process of writing – which means that not even us can guarantee that you will like it… We have both been published here and there in the past, but we are taking this one seriously because we got to the point where we can say that this is something we see ourselves doing (seriously) in the future. However, we need to know that we’re not doing this in vain. Yes, we write just for the sake of it, but publishing our writings is completely different. It takes time for more than just writing, ambition and money. We are trying to get our campaign founded by people like you – people who know us, people who read us, people who believe in us. People who want to believe in other people.

On a more personal note this time, I am frustrated year after year by the madness created around shows such as “X country has got talent” and “Eurovision”. Don’t get me wrong, the music industry and its talents should and, luckily, are supported. Before you complain about being a young musician rejected by the society, I know, they are, in fact, only given a small chance to get that support, but that small chance exists. You can go out there and grab it and make it yours if you’re really cool or really good at what you do… which, basically, also means that if you’re an introvert who happened to be born with a musical talent, you can just forget it (you can tell I’m currently reading Quiet). But what if you have a different kind of talent? And before I find myself missing uni and giving you more opinions than in a seminar, I’ll cut straight to the point:

What if you are a hell of a writer and no one cares? What if you can’t help but bleed out all your thoughts on that paper/laptop and no one is interested? What if they are the thing that makes you proud to be yourself, but no one gives you any credit? Even worse – what if there is nothing else you are good at? I mean, both Cristian and I are wonderful people with a multitude of talents (sarcasm?) but the truth is there are such people out there. There are people out there with beautiful blogs and notebooks and diaries who would make terrible sales assistants, but great writers. They should be out there, for no other reason than because they deserve it. Why? Because, just like us, they give you something beautiful to brighten your day. Because they give you parts of who they are, refined to the point of madness and call it art; I wouldn’t call myself an artist because I don’t think it’s up to me to do so, but if you think I’m worth it, or he’s worth it, or they’re worth it, help us and help them get there!

You might wonder what I’m doing, sitting here and typing this instead of saving the world or at least promoting its artists. I’m telling you that I want to do that. I want to work in publishing, I want to run my own publishing company, I want to find beautiful and talented people, go to them and say “Hey, I’m giving you the chance of a lifetime, are you ready?”. They might not be. Or they might be, you never know. When Cristian came up with the idea of this project, I was really excited about it and didn’t even think twice. A year ago, I would have probably said “Uhm, thanks but”.

People change; some bury themselves under the weight of this world, some grow into butterflies. Given the right chances, more of us could be living our dreams. It’s up to you to say if we deserve the chance to do so, as hopefully it will be up to me in the near future to say the same about others.

For now, I can only ask you this – Go here, read about what we are doing, read our blogs, talk to us, invite us for dinner (or a holiday in Europe in my case) and get to know us. Get to know the young and promising – and by young I mean upcoming, not young in age. One of our favourite quotes is “Beauty will save the world”; give people the chance to be beautiful, to make beautiful happen all around, but if you must choose whom you’re giving it to today – we have a suggestion. Uhm, us! :)

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Also, as a response to questions such as “Why don’t you try and find a publishing company?”, “Why would you want to work in publishing/What do you think you could do differently?”, “What else is there to read in this post?” (not that you would actually ask that), and because I found this on Thought Catalog a while ago and saved it because it just sounded so good and so true, I want to share this with you. What do you think?

“I love words. And I love seeing them strung together in new and different ways. There was one particular writing workshop that allowed me the space and freedom to experiment with word combinations and sentence structures, playing with various forms until I found one that I felt I could continue with. What I wanted most was to break away from constructing traditional narratives. I worked in mainstream publishing for five years and eventually became bored with commercial novels: here’s your beginning, the plot and source of tension, some character build, the climax, and the resolution–yay, happy ending! I learned that many editors rejected submissions because the ending was too depressing or didn’t involve the two main (heterosexual) characters living happily ever after. The American market demanded manufactured fiction neatly wrapped and tied with a sparkly bow–a sense of completion.

It was difficult for me to write stories that followed these cookie-cutter guidelines with formulaic/conventional plot devices that ultimately just didn’t serve the stories I was writing or wanted to write. My professor from that workshop introduced me to her own experimental novel–a daring text that utilized programming language to code the traumatic events of a rape. This is putting it lightly–very lightly. This rape narrative affected me more than anything I’d read previously (and I’ve read a lot) because of its hauntingly repetitive nature; the words and actions were mercilessly drilled into me. I had nightmares. But isn’t that what writing is supposed to do? Evoke some sort of reaction, any reaction. And for me, that’s achieved through fragmented, non-linear structures, creative word-play, and minimalism.”

Seasons in Full Speed

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It was summer when, night after night, we fell asleep with fast hearts and hurried dreams of sunlight, heavy air and summer rain; you kneading my spine and pulsing through my veins, and me promising myself that happiness never hurt anyone and, if worst came to worst, misery is always refundable. Seconds diffused into days and memories in the making as I was holding your hand, growing luckier day by day. One morning, you said that you had never seen a spark before, that most people don’t sparkle. I felt beautiful and a little broken and believing all at once, trying to laugh myself out of my fears, knowing I was light years away from being the brightest star in the Universe but your eyes were so used to darkness that even a shred of light could blind you. Like dust particles exposed for twenty seconds by summer sunshine before moving back into the shade, happiness lasted until late August. Then you held me an extra second, enough to let me know that it all meant something to you too.

 

Then it was winter, coffee cups, train stations and flowers in strangers’ hands celebrating lovers’ day. Everything that was once so familiar had transformed into thin air and blankets of snow along the sidewalks, avalanching into my every atom as I breathed and building me up as the unbeautiful version of the fever I used to be. There was a ghost town in my head and millions of explosions at the verge of my skin. I caught glimpses of them when the nights grew cold and I couldn’t sleep, so l began to tell myself real stories about the girl who once lived inside my body. This new heart could not be mine. It beat too slowly, like memory flutters of what was once young and alive and was now somewhere else, where there’s warmth and hope that one day it might become the brightest light in the darkest night, like an old lover thought of it. They called it wanderlust, and told to me get away for a while. I called it winter. The winter of my heart, when the power of my body went off and the rain came down for days; and this time, days diffused into months.

 

I leaned back and waited for the winter to push silently into spring once again, watching others from behind tea cups and listening to their stories. I couldn’t help noticing how once their story line drifted towards the loved and lost, their shaky fingers struggling to squeeze the loneliness out of their skin to make themselves desirable again made the saddest image in the world. Soon, I couldn’t stand the sights of the friendly eyes of dogs, human touch and contagious smiles. But after seeing enough, the world started to make sense again. I pressed fast forward and skimmed through the absurd to find deep connections and patterns at every step. And it was this how I found you again, through words scattered on cafeteria napkins stained with coffee rings when I wasn’t even looking.

 

Speed, the most magical of things when things aren’t on your side. There is so much beauty in that unstoppable force that makes all the colours blur together, in the mix that brings everything together more hurriedly, that puts everything in motion. In between cherry trees and icy winds you find uncommon sense, bumpy roads and a carousel of lights and sounds and car flashes and laughy voices that spins so fast and uncontrollably that all you’re left to see is beauty. A rush that mixes the good with the bad, the old with the new, the feel of every moment you can’t wait to forget and every moment you clench your teeth into and want to keep for eternity. Speed has a melodic hum of its own that makes you walk to the beat and take sharp turns, that doesn’t give you time to sleep and weep. You flames grow high, like the branches of a tree that bursts into fruits and flowers in the heat of the moment. The summer of your life becomes nothing compared to the most heavenly hell that living at full speed allows you to be in. And when you have fire in your prose and poetry, and lips, and fingertips, what are you if not the brightest star in the darkest night, what are you if not a star in the Universe, what are you if not one of those who shine so bright that blind other for a second, then teach their eyes to take the light in? What are you if not the beauty that will save the world?

Soulshine

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I’m out there. I’m out there. I’m out there.
I’m out Here.
Does this mean anything to you? That I’m out here, that you’re out there, that we’re all out somewhere – leaning on lamp posts, steps away from the spotlight?
Who are you, the child who is afraid of the dark, or the adult who is afraid of the light? Either way, you’re losing.
The volcano and the spring come from the same source, but one is explosive, reckless, wrecking, destructive; the other one is…

But that’s not what I want to tell you. That’s not even what I want to tell myself. That’s the page I ripped today, because I didn’t like its truth.
We’re in my world now, and my world I’m allowed to shape and stop from going to sleep tonight.
On my playground I come alive and it’s spectacular, regardless of what happens when it’s time to go home.
I burn bright with shiny, sparkly words, decorate my walls with beautiful paintings and have large windows in every room.
In my world, I meet you in smoky bars. You wear a hat and the kind of clothes I wish men wore more often outside vintage stores. There’s a cigarette hanging out of your mouth, one that you take out every time you pause and smile. You look kind and gentle and tell me story after story, and teach me how to love after storm. The way you talk is like Heaven bursting into flames, giving me the thrill of a lifetime in the safest of all places.
In my secret world, I let you see right through me. I don’t play hideaway and, ironically, I keep no secrets. Here, I break all silences and illusions with a breeze of words and wonders. It is a magical, sacred place, and I have the mightiest power.
I wish I could show it to the whole world, but I fear that people might walk in with their dirty feet and it’s my one and only refuge.
But every now and then, thoughts like you show up and make a mess, leaving me breathless for days. I get us drinks, take a seat next to you and laugh at your jokes, because you’re refreshing, and mad, and pure – and I can always recognize others like me.
I know you’re real, but you have imagination stains all over your face. I’ve filled all the gaps with cotton candy and fell in love with a man who brings me poetry and mystery. I wish I could be sure it’s you. I’m trying, I’m trying so hard to let you shine through. I do my best to listen to you, to feel the taste of your every word, your every experience, your every state of mind. I’m just overly excited at the possibility of having found someone beautiful, that I’m afraid I also made up miles of you. I’m not sure how much of you is really you and how much is me now. I finally understand the vampire myths. You want to suck on beauty, on youth, on love. On life.

Every time I remember that not even I can stay here for long, sadness melts into my bones. It’s closing time in my world and I once again have to choose between reality and promises, between your imperfections and my highs, between consistency and intensity. Between my madness and my life.
And my God – as indecisive as women can be – I know that I might be the spring in the outer world,
but in my inner one I will always choose intensity.
I will always be the volcanic girl.
I will always be that flame that burns twice as bright, even if half as long.
I will always run and dance and spin on the fine line between the rain on my skin and the stories I write to send myself to sleep.

Because while I might not be able to be here forever, as the flames would surely burn me alive, I’d rather be pushed out at the end of every show than never make it in. I’d rather have a feverish mind than a heart sucked dry of feelings. I’d rather live easy days and hot red seconds than let let the world uncomplicate me for blue evenings at an outdoor table where I could never blow magic dust on the ways I see the world in. And, more than anhything, because every now and then as the curtains close behind me a lava stream makes it through. It pours into my writings, into the world, into your worlds.

Wonderwall

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Our bodies brushed together. I kept pushing myself closer and closer to him, not because I wanted him but because I didn’t want myself. For a couple of minutes I remembered what it’s like to be young and scared and wanting so badly to give yourself away, because you don’t know what to with all that’s been given to you. You do it with eyes wide shut and a burning desire to never get yourself back. There I was again, trying to negotiate my peace of mind with any stranger – since God, who has, at this point, turned into some sort of business partner (I’ll be a good girl, just please make this and that come true) seemed to have run out of it. His grip got tighter as the minutes and our acquaintances passed by. His body was cold, his breath smelled of alcohol and mint and his skin, of cologne. My senses returned, either to make me aware of the danger this man could have been or to tap me on the shoulder and encourage me to enjoy the moment. All I knew was that my mind stood still for a few minutes when I was in his arms, and for that I ended up squeezing him until I could finally laugh with my mouth, my eyes and my exhausted heart at the hot mess I had been lately. I hoped he would like my smile, but instead he understood what I was doing. His eyes moved up and down my body again, then he pushed me away and walked out.
That evening, toxic thoughts and darkness had been swirling in my mind for such long hours that they could have easily bled out into my bloodstream. My senses had been out of tune for a while, and I knew I was on the verge of losing it. I followed him outside; it was grey and it started to drizzle, and I liked the wind and the sound of cars driving on the wet streets. A friend offered me a drink. I did my best to find an excuse not to take it and made my way towards him. When I got there I simply told him my name. It was the simplest thought that crossed my mind.
‘It’s Mel. Just Mel.’
‘No one’s name is just something,’ he said in a deep, resonant voice that sent shivers down my back.
‘Mine is.’
‘How come?’
‘It’s because I’m just…’
‘Let me guess, a disaster of a girl.’
‘That’s not quite what I was going to say.’
‘My point exactly,’ he laughed in my face. ‘So I can’t get your full name ’till I fix you, huh?’
He had big, green and quite friendly eyes, but the way he was looking at me was sort of terrifying.
‘Mel, what do you want from me? You weren’t flirting with me earlier, like I thought you were.’
‘Even I thought I was at first,’ I admitted. ‘I guess I just want you to give me a few more bricks to add to being just Mel.’
The look on his face changed, and he took a moment to think of what to say next.
What on Earth have I just said?!
Ah, but I had strong reasons and a great exit, just in case…
‘Well how in the world did you expect me to –’
‘By distracting me and showing me that there is more to life than this,’ I said in one breath, pointing at the top of my head. I was hoping he was good at miracles.

To be fair, I expected this to be just another story. I wanted to turn left, then right, then right again and go further down to the nearest café or shopping centre to get a happy ending for my day. I wanted to feel alive for a little while, until it wore off and I had to go home and write again, tell a story and give it a nice turn at the end.
I didn’t bother to ask for his name, like I didn’t bother to tell him all of mine, because tonight I wasn’t going to be who I am every day or on most nights. Tonight, Mel was going to be just Mel, the girl with beautiful eyes and a map she spilled water onto so she doesn’t know where to turn left and where to turn right, then right again, and where to go further down until she reaches her destination. Tonight, Mel was going to be the girl with beautiful eyes and a desire to go places, even if she was still standing still, talking to strangers and trying to figure out a way to break free.
But unlike most strangers, the green-eyed man wasn’t easy.

‘I’ve nothing to give you,’ he said. ‘You have to go out there and get your own pieces. Mine might not fit, and you’ll end up even more broken than before.’
‘How much worse do you think it can get? According to you I’m already a disaster.’
‘Of course you are, look at you. All pieces, random little things collected from here and there and them. What are you going to do if mine aren’t useful either? Keep them for better days? You either let go or get dragged. I won’t contribute to what it must feel like the weight of the world on your shoulders. If only it would have made you stronger. You look tired to me. Did you have a nap before coming to a club?’
I started balancing on one foot, nervously.
‘But you’re in my story,’ I shrugged. ‘I came here tonight to find something to help me fight the loneliness and predictability of real life. I came for inspiration. I chose you, now you have to give me fuel for life of some sort.’
He smiled at me. He had a friendly smile too.
‘Oh, you look genuinely disconcerted.’
‘I am,’ I said, confused. ‘You can’t be in my world and refuse to be a part of it. I’m living this with you and you’re not giving me much to live right now.’
‘Alright, Mel. You want something to help you make sense of all the pieces, don’t you?’
‘Exactly, and that’s where you come…’
‘No. Stop taking breaths of life from your twisted imagination and turn them into your life story. If I’m part of it, this is where you let me do my thing. This is not how you live. Stop making people up, too,’ he winked at me and I suddenly felt exposed.
‘Then how do I live?’
‘Easily, Mel. There’s only one thing that can change these boring surroundings you always come to for refills.’
‘What?’
‘Live más!’
Gently, he touched my cheeks and my mind stood still again. It was like he wasn’t part of the place, part of the story, part of this world, my world. He didn’t feel like the rest. My senses had been out of tune because I was in my comfort zone – of course, I had been there and lived those things so many times before that looking for the new experience, for the one who puts my wheels back into motion, was like looking for the needle in the hay.
But somehow, I found him. I didn’t make him up. Even if everything else was only a projection of my mind, I knew for sure that he was the most real thing that happened to me in a while.
‘Live more! And get rid of everything here, this party is a bore and so are you when you start talking about yourself. It’s okay to be Just Mel, to be dizzy and distracted and lost, for as long as you don’t always make such a drama out of it. It’s intriguing, refreshing, beautiful, and it leaves you room to live más. Don’t be so easily defined, remember? (‘How do you know…’ ‘Because we’re in your mind, remember?’) Live more than this, this is old and quite frankly, it stinks! Get out there, and make sure you don’t know where that is.’

Car Parks at Midnight

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‘Do you still believe in safety?’ I asked, slightly lost.
Do you? Do you still believe in sleeping late every Sunday, anxiety growing on you like bacteria, killing time with TV series, everyone’s favourite brand of cereals, reading with your feet entangled to someone else’s so it doesn’t get lonely?
And do you still believe in asking for comfort from others? Because I don’t.

 

That’s where he unknowingly pulled the trigger of my automatic escape mechanism – when he didn’t speak to me of love, lust or breakfasts we’d stare at each other over, but he spoke to me of safety. Did I sound like I needed it? Maybe. But hearing somebody turning a what should have been a midnight ambiguous, delicious and slightly sexual conversation into yet another promise of security was, in that split of a second, like blasphemy. The truth was that, more than the promise of safety, I wanted the promise of never having to settle for a life of flipping through the pages of encyclopaedias to catch a glimpse of wilderness. I was scared at the thought of never walking through car parks at midnight again, hand in hand with someone who could teach me the art of having a loud heart and a quiet mind, shivering cold but with his warm coat and warm smile on. I liked him, and I wanted him to be that guy, and I almost hated him for speaking to me of safety when he could have said anything else.

My job as an artist was to create life out of nothing, but the nothingness was thick and sticky and I couldn’t shape it. I was supposed to take little bits of your dark days and turn them into magic dust and chocolate sprinkles and things none of us believed in but looked good on paper. I was supposed to make the black come out of dark caves and turn into silver lines. I was supposed to be the girl to make emotions happen, but I couldn’t try them on first. I kept wishing for a handsome stranger to come out of nowhere and read out loud the words I had written than afternoon, and a dog to jump on the bed between us and coffee to be spilled onto the floor. Life would have made a stain in that second, enough to ruin my perfect ever after. I would have been forced to carry on living with imperfections the size of coffee stains on white bed sheets, and dog hair on my clothes, and unexpected smiles at the wrong time. But in real life, I was forgetting how it is to feel the rain on my skin and his love under it.
The truth is that safety is not a friend. Or if you like, safety is one of those friends who moan all the time because the weather got colder and the film got boring and they can’t find their matching sock. Safety is negative vibes if you dare to move. You’re sat down and forced to listen and obey – do not move that vase from the table or you will ruin the harmony and the alignments and everything you’ve ever done will fall apart. Safety tells you that you’ve surrounded yourself with perfection – do not reach it anymore. It’s there to be contemplated in silence. Do not enjoy it. Do not touch or use. Indulge into knowing that you’ve done it, that you’re sorted, that you got to Heaven. That you are as good as dead.

My only wish was outside the wish jar. It was the world, beautifully simplified and not showing its teeth to me at every turn. It was me minus all the weapons and the accessories and the promises I had to keep at every step. It was the richness of the moment that I didn’t want to feel guilty about not living anymore, because I should have been somewhere else, with somebody else, being something else. I wanted a hammock, a lake and foggy weather so I couldn’t see ghosts’ trace lines, burning hot coffee and the smell of second-hand books surrounding me. I craved icy cold freedom and open fields that didn’t have a maze, a labyrinth, a catch; a goal at the end of the road that I’m running towards, like a dog for a bone or a frisbee. I didn’t want to be in the game anymore, and I felt forever done with stretching and curling in bed at the memories of long-missed bliss, grieving over old agonies and yearning for new ecstasies. I was looking for more nights that felt vivid and surreal.

I was looking for walking through car parks at midnight, hand in hand with somebody who’d have me surrendering my love and my fears and not thinking about dawns.

 

‘Do you still believe in safety?’ I asked again.
‘But do you want to have breakfast with me in a few hours?’ he laughed. ‘I don’t know what you’re on about there…’
‘What?’
‘Don’t worry, it’s safe,’ he laughed. ‘I won’t bite.’
‘I wish you did.’
‘Oh. That will change things,’ he joked.

“There is another world, but it is in this one.” – William Butler Yeats

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‘It’s 3 a.m.,’ I say.
What I really mean is ‘I want to go.’
Someone once said I had a taste for running away, a superficial serenity of mind and a distributive intelligence that keeps me away from the depths of life. The truth is that, well, they must have got one or two right.
But tonight I’d want to make my way into his heart and forget that there might be something greater around the corner, and I should just keep floating. Tonight I just plunge into it, because the surface is getting cold and crowded and my head is spinning a little. Yet there is the little voice that tells me how it’s too soon to be fragile, that everybody loves strength and why showing anything less is a mistake that can cost you all future possibilities. And so I want to leave, because I don’t want to stay the night only to play it tough. I’m never tough past bedtime, or men like him.
‘It doesn’t matter that it’s 3 a.m. There will be another 3 a.m. Come.’
As we step outside the bar, he zips up his coat and his cheeks are probably red and I can’t help wondering what life would become like if I left with him.
‘Actually, there are only so many tomorrows, until you run out of them.’
‘What?’ he laughs, and lifts my chin up to him. ‘You never know, we might live forever.’
You know that spark they talk about in movies? The one that you only get with the guy who tucks you in at night – before they find out that you’re engaged to their best friend or have made a bet about dating them and after they take the first plane to your hometown and propose to you in front of the family? I think that is, more or less, what I felt when he touched me.
It was electric.
‘There will be no other 3 a.m. like this one,’ I say. ‘They will all be boring.’
To hell with strength, it has always been my weakness. The next thing I know is I’m sinking my face into his shoulder and my nails into his back and I’m hoping that wherever he wants to take me – if anywhere at all – it’s in the wilds of the world and there is no fixed time to get home.
‘I can’t let them get too boring, then.’
‘Why is it only about you?’ I laugh.
‘Ah, I’ll tell you everything later.’
I shrug.
‘Fine, we don’t need to talk about your troubled childhood yet. But at least tell me what’s so wrong about boring 3 a.m.s. That’s what they’re for. This is an exception.’
His grip gets tighter and tighter and my breath stops for a little while. I think I understand what’s wrong about all other nights – they don’t go like this one.
‘No. 3 a.m. is for blur, noises, city lights and stories about half made-up pasts,’ he whispers into my ear. ‘Your eyes glowing in the dark, shivers, warmth, goodbye kisses and caresses on your hair, plans, scars, your smell, the smell of moving on, the smell of home. ‘
‘Well, that’s one big contradiction there at the end,’ I mumble.
I realise that he is strong, much stronger than me. I feel slightly embarrassed and look around for a cab. I don’t know if I can put up with yet another guy I feel so small next to.
‘I just told you what your options are.’ he smiles. ‘What else is there to do? Hey, I’ve got something to ask you – I’ve always wanted to.’
I’m sure it’s going to be one of those questions guys ask at the end of the night, like ‘So, do you like movies?’, or ‘Which way do you go now?’, or even ‘Well, this was nice. Right?’
‘What breaks your heart, pretty?’
Ah, thank God he isn’t boring when it comes to endings.
‘You, right now.’ I say and start looking for money in my bag.
He laughs and thinks I’m funny.
Well, at least I get that.
‘Really, what breaks your heart? I think this is the kind of question they should ask in interviews. This is what we all want to know about people after all – what makes them human, what makes them tick. I could never think of what would break you.’
‘Me? Why me?’ I laugh, and he smiles at my laughter and I am somehow beginning to feel a warm connection between us coming to life. ‘I don’t know what breaks my heart. Indecisiveness, maybe. Like, what do you want to do now? See?’
I’m shivering and I’m torn between wanting to go home and wanting to play this game for the rest of the night.
‘Ah. I knew it was this one!’ he smiles. ‘I’ll have to work on it soon. You can’t look brilliant on paper if I don’t understand who you’d be in flesh and bones, can you?’
I frown.
‘You lost me…’
‘Nevermind, nevermind. I’ll take care of this tomorrow. For now, come…’
So we’re going together from here after all?
‘But of course we are. I want to spend as much time with you as I can’ he says, and in all the excitement I forget to ask where we are going after all.
‘I’m taking you to where you belong,’ he says as if answering my thoughts.
How strange. It must be that connection thing…
‘I see. My place or yours?’ I laugh.
‘Yours, you fool.’
‘Fine. Just know that it’s messy, and I’m almost sure we should have gone the other way instead.’
He looks confused, as if wondering how come I am this easy. The truth is that I’m not even sure where my house is right now, so I don’t worry.
‘I can’t tell if you’re joking or not,’ he says.
I have no idea.
‘I have no idea.’
Suddenly, he puts an arm around my shoulders.
‘I do. It’s this way – because we’re taking the shortcut.’
‘Wonderful!’
See, I don’t precisely know what we’re doing right now, but the feeling of being myself around someone is the greatest high I can hope for at 3 a.m.. It makes every alternative feel like a waste of time. I almost wish these streets would have no end.
If only things were always light and simple.
‘I really hope you never again end up leaving a party with a stranger because you’re not sure what feels worse, being alone or being used,’ he says, completely ruining it. ‘When we get to yours, I’ll pour us another drink and tell you my story. That should help.’
‘Oh, because your story is supposed to change my life?’
Another drink or not, his arrogance would probably keep sobering me up from now on.
‘If words don’t change the world, I don’t know what does,’ he smiles. ‘And I’ll tell you another thing – beauty will save the world, beautiful.’
I choke on my words before they come out right.
‘I’ve heard this one before, but I must tell you that I’m no god and neither are you because you left with somebody tonight. We’d all be little gods then.’
He stops and shows me that we must turn right. I nod my head; he is right.
‘You know, you do look like a goddess to me tonight – ‘There we go, Romeo’ – and either way, yes, we all are gods. What? You don’t believe that everything we create is real?’
‘See, at this point I’m not sure if you’re charming or creeping me out.’
‘Charming, just charming,’ he laughs.
Sometimes I think that a strong instinct is the worst part of being a woman. It prevents you from having all the fun.
‘Fine, you got me,’ I say. ‘I surrender. I’m sorry, I’m the mess here and you can be disappointed. I know that tonight I seem a very easy catch, and maybe I am that.’
He doesn’t slow his pace and I’m wondering what is it that I’m still doing right that he wants to walk me all the way home.
‘I’ll find a way to have you fixed by the time I finish my story,’ he says. ‘It won’t be tonight, but I will think of it.’
‘That’s great news, all figured out then.’
We get to my place and I reach for the keys. I know it sounds stupid, but by now I can’t help wanting to listen to his story. Something tells me that one way or another, it will have an impact. Or maybe he just knows how to sell himself to women.
‘I promise you it will,’ he whispers, as if telling me a secret, and I freeze with my hand up in the air.
‘You promise what?’
‘That – what you said to yourself. I promise you it will make you understand things.’
‘Are you talking about…’
‘The story, yes.’
I’m staring at him and he stares back and I can see that he is progressively realising what he just said, and he is not happy about it at all. At this point, curious as I might be, I’m beginning to reconsider my options and whether or not I want him to come upstairs, keys still in my hand.
‘Look, as much as I like it when guys can read my mind…’
‘Just invite me in already,’ he says, impatient. ‘Damn I should have made this part shorte, just in case. It’s freezing out here.’
‘Hey Lucifer, watch out, I haven’t given you my soul yet,’ I try to make a joke in a thin, shaky voice.
I don’t think he got it. Concerned, he takes a few steps in my direction, until his face almost touches mine. I should be thrilled, but instead I feel restless, as if the timing was wrong or this was not supposed to happen at all.
‘Listen, this is not about your soul, I am not the devil. Real life is hard and I don’t know how to be out in the open with girls like you. So give me a chance, will you? I know you’re feeling as if God’s suddenly pulling the wrong strings, but I never thought of what the right ones would be in this case. I mean, this is absurd in my book – us on a date, this is not in the story, you know? This… we’re just making this up on the spot, as we live. This is what I dislike about life – it is so unpredictable! I almost wish I would have stayed home to write tonight, because I feel like I’m making a fool of myself now and I’m not sure what to say anymore. Everything I say is only making it worse, isn’t it? Ah, I’m lost for words. Help me out, please.’
‘Are you crazy?’ I shout and push him a little. ‘What story, you creep?
When he gets close to me and runs his fingers through my hair, his smile gone, I know that the story is going to be about me. It was never about him. His touch is electric indeed, but I fear it’s for all the wrong reasons.
‘The story where I don’t die, and I get the girl too. I wrote that. And yes, it’s all about you. But this is not how I want to tell you about it. It’s not as if, regardless of what happens tonight, I’ll still be able to change you tomorrow morning. It can’t be that simple, because this is happening too. Do you understand? This is still part of it. Whatever is written can never be unwritten, and I’m pretty sure that’s how life goes too. So you need to give me a hand here, I can’t let you fear me or hate me.’
I want to sit down. I came home with a schizophrenic. I just wish somebody walked past us.
‘Everyone’s asleep,’ he says. ‘Actually, I don’t think there’s anyone alive at all. I didn’t write about others, I didn’t mention the neighbours, I didn’t exactly create a whole world from scratch…’ he bites his lips, nervously, and I am dizzy enough to still think that is sexy. ‘I’m so not good with endless details, Mia.’
‘Wait, what? How the hell do you know my name?’
I take a step back before allowing myself to lean of my front door and feel paralyzed by fear.
‘I gave you this name. I also made you stand up for yourself when you need to and right now, I kind of regret that. I tried to make you as good as I could think of, honestly. You do like Mia, don’t you?’
The night feels surreal and I wish it was only because of drinking.
‘So why didn’t you write wilder chapters, where I’m bolder and stronger and I have the world at my feet? I would have thanked you in every prayer, damn you!’
‘Please,’ he says, ‘let’s go upstairs. I will tell you everything.’
‘You bet you will! I just want to check something,’ I say and, before he can do anything to stop me, I throw a small rock at my building.
We both stare in silence. Soon, there is broken glass all over the pavement. I guess I overdid it…
‘Hey, what the hell is going on down there?’
An angry man in striped blue pyjamas threatens us with his fists from the second floor’s window.
‘It’s half three in the morning, you drunken idiots!’
I look at God, God looks at me, and we both know we’ve messed something up. This wasn’t supposed to happen. I shouldn’t have come home with a stranger and break Mr Norris’s window. He probably thinks he should have included more details in his story, so I would have fallen in love with him and stopped swearing by now. Soon after, we’re running up the stairs to my apartment, talking about how little coffee I’ve got left. He says he blames himself for that. I tell him not to worry, writers think about characters and plots, not how much coffee imaginary women have in their homes. He smiles and I must admit that he is quite good at this whole charade. He then asks me if I think he is crazy. I stop, turn around and ask him the same thing.

 

‘You look pretty insecure for someone who claims to be my maker.’ I say to him. ‘But you’re good at making coffee, I’ll give you that.’
He shakes his head with a slow smile. ‘I told you,’ he says quietly, ‘I’m not following the storyline. There is no storyline for tonight. I couldn’t have seen this coming.’
This?’
‘Running into you.’
‘What’s so incredible about it? You gave me a free night, I had every right to get out of your story and go get drunk in a bar.’
He bursts into a wholehearted laugh.
‘You should have made me immortal too. That would have been pretty damn wonderful.’
‘What for, Mia? You never take any risks’
‘Excuse me? What do you call this? By the looks of it so far this must be the biggest risk I’ve ever taken,’ I say, looking at him, then around the kitchen.
‘Exactly. And do I look like I want to kill you?’
‘Ah. Well, I could have at least been Golden Girl by now, don’t you think? The truth is that I’ve never even made it to the loving myself checkpoint. But you know that already. Do you like messed up girls like me?’
I know that he wants to touch me, but I show him not to.
‘Honestly, was this all just a very elaborate plan to make me have another drink with you, or do you actually believe it?’
‘Come on. Do I sound like a living, breathing cliché?’
‘Then tell me, how did you jump inside the story? This is too much to be just a coincidence. You wrote a new chapter, didn’t you? But it was about you this time. Why didn’t you at least change the scenery? You know I’ve always wanted to go to Mexico.’
He looks me in the eyes as if this is something serious.
I’m not as good with role-playing, but I try.
I like him, in a weird, twisted, friends-would-blackmail-me way.
‘I didn’t write anything like that,’ he finally says. ‘Think about it, why in the world would I want to meet you in person in the first place?’
‘Because I am the girl of your dreams, I imagine,’ I say, dead serious, and take another sip of coffee.
He looks amused.
‘Do you really want to go to Mexico?’
‘Doesn’t God know everything?’
‘I’m not God.’
‘You’re my God, aren’t you?’
‘No. If I was, I’d make all your wishes come true.’
‘So write a new story where they do.’
‘I can’t, I don’t know what you wish for.’
‘I could make you a list.’
‘Mia,’ he says and puts his hands over mine – I let him this time, ‘I am not a magician, ok? I just write and write when the evenings get long and nights get cold, and the solitude dissolves in me like sugar in’ – he points at my mug – ‘your cup of coffee. It’s peace and quiet inside my head when I write about you, and I like it. That’s all I wanted to do, write some more. I never had any intention to… breathe life into you. I should have known that everything we create is real indeed.’
I can’t help but laugh at his fancy words, then yawn and laugh some more.
‘You’re drunk, my friend.’
‘Maybe just mad.’
‘Maybe.’
Yet I play along, because it’s still early and I could do with a magic start of the day.
‘So you’re saying that you went out to your favourite bar tonight, with nothing in mind but to have a couple of drinks before you went home and got back to writing your novel about me, right?’
He nods.
‘And then I showed up there, and you couldn’t believe that one of God’s waste of words is walking around like she owns the place. “God damn it – or I damn it – I should have made her better-behaved, rebels are only good in books. Who does she think she is? I’ll get her drunk, take her home and tell her everything, so she learns a lesson before I get to write it into her”, huh? See, I’m curious – how did you know it was me?’
He looks a bit embarrassed.
‘It’s funny now that you ask, because I never wrote anything about your looks. But there was this vibe, I don’t really know how to put it into words…’
‘Said the master of words that can change the world,’ I say in a slow voice, almost to myself. ‘What’s your name anyway?’
‘My name?’
‘Yes, your name.’
‘It’s M.’
I laugh.
‘Alright, alright M. And the name of my father?’
‘What?’
‘My father. What was his name?’
‘How am I supposed to know that? I told you I didn’t think about your parents, or coffee, or the clothes you like to wear.’
‘Or the fact that I really want to visit Mexico.’
‘Or that.’
‘Or my deepest fears, or my favourite colour, or my date of birth. Right?’
‘What are you doing, Mia?’
I move closer to him in what it is a quite obvious manner, and kiss him on the lips.
He looks terribly confused.
‘You didn’t see that coming, did you? You never wrote a single paragraph about the kind of guys I like or whom I want to kiss over my kitchen table at four in the morning. You never wrote about my father and pretend you’re not good at details, but you forget that I can’t exist if he didn’t. You don’t really know much about me, and you sure don’t know as much as you claim. You’re just good with words, and I’m drunk enough to believe them.’
Now, however, his lips are curled into a smile and he is twirling my hair around his fingers. Wrong plan, I guess.
‘Then it’s true,’ he whispers. ‘Words do change the world.’
I lean back on the chair and roll my eyes.
‘Just go, you’re nothing but a professional liar.’
‘And an amateur writer.’
‘I don’t know that, but I’d sure like to read everything you pretend you wrote about me… no, you know what, forget that I said that.’
‘Listen… no, don’t look away, listen to me. They never thought that I, in fact, only leave when I’m in shallow waters because I’m ready to dive into deeper ones. I never leave because of boredom, as if I wasn’t boring myself as well, nor because I’m the lonely wolf type, and I surely don’t leave because I have the attention span of a goldfish and thus its ability to empathize with others. I leave because the world is mine, and what a crime to waste my chance to embrace it. Breathe!’ he says as he caresses my hair and my back.
I can’t take my eyes off of him.
‘You forgot to breathe, Mia!’
‘Ah.’
‘It’s ok, you do this every now and then. It won’t get you killed anyway.’
‘How do I die then?’
I can’t think about what he said; about what I said. I can’t. I can’t…
‘You don’t die, silly,’ he says and lights up a cigarette.
‘Burn me!’ I say.
‘You don’t die in my stories so far, I mean. I don’t know how or when you’ll die in real life. A burn won’t get you killed I suppose, but it’s best not to try anything that would just for the sake of proving me wrong.’
‘What if you’d write a story where I die? That might get me killed.’
‘Perhaps. I’m not sure how this goes.’
‘If I’m nothing but a product of your imagination.’
‘Hey, I think tonight just showed us that you’re as real as you can be.’
I’m thinking that, if this is real, then this is a moment that should stay in his history – God physically comforting one of his people. And it’s all happening in my apartment. I can’t wait to tell everyone.
‘Maybe I just resemble your character, M.’
‘No, you are her.’
I know that everything so far sounds insane, but as I reach for pen and paper I actually have high hopes.
‘Let’s go to Mexico!’ I whisper and give them to him.
‘You know that’s not how it works,’ he says. ‘I have to believe in what I write.’
‘So what do you believe in, if not a beautiful life?’
‘Oh, Mia… I am so sorry. If I believed in a beautiful life I would have never written one story.’
Pressured, he starts writing and I clench my fists and gnash my teeth., hoping for something; for everything, for anything. But when he hands me the piece of paper, I mutter out loud the words, then tear it in halves.
It said: I created someone in my writings, I created a human being out of paper and vivid imagination. At first I thought I created Mia to hurt myself, to run my fingers through her soul and see what’s it like being inside a beautiful mind. To contrast and shame me at my worst, to give the best of me to my favourite character; the best of my imagination. Then I figured that wasn’t true. Mia isn’t utopic, she’s real. Mia is here, she is accessible. She isn’t an unattainable trophy, but my hidden treasure. I didn’t create anyone, for she was in me all along. And, despite all, watching my imagination unfolding was like watching God at work – the best part of me, giving its best. Heavenly.’
‘Are you kidding me? I wanted to go to Mexico, or at least be prettier or smarter. What is this?’
‘I’m sorry, but these are the only things I believe in – you and my ability to write. I wasn’t interested in the plot, I just wanted to sketch a person.’
‘Oh my God – and now I know for sure that is not you – to hell with you and your ability to reshape me then! Big fat liar, that’s what you are. You said you’ll fix me in the morning, I don’t feel any better. Or maybe you’re just sick, M. Have you ever thought about that?’
I’m too tired to kick him out, so I’ll just rely on his ability to read me this time.
And it’s probably working. A few seconds later, he stands up and says: ‘Mia, I’m going to go get myself killed.’
‘No you’re not,’ I say. ‘God, I’m so stupid – and so are you!’
But when he slams the door and I hear his footsteps on the hallway I shake my head, get up and run after him.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ I shout.
He is all the way down already.
‘I told you, I’m going to jump in front of a car or something!’
‘That’s immensely stupid, why would you do that? And what about me?’
That’s two floors below me and I know I wouldn’t be able to stop him if he was actually serious.
‘I want to see if our next date will be in Heaven or Hell!’
‘But I don’t want to die yet!’
‘So don’t!’

 

When I can no longer hear him, I go inside. It’s five in the morning and I’m wide awake as I stretch and curl under my blanket, still feeling the taste of alcohol on my lips. ‘I’m alive,’ I tell myself over and over again, but I’m afraid to go to sleep. I know that I’ll have one of those nightmares again, and this time it’ll be ink that pours out of me, not blood.
Eventually, I put a coat on and go outside. I’m cold and tired and I expect to see an ambulance any minute now.
I walk for what feels like hours until I give up and slide down a brick wall, back pressed against it, head in my hands. There is no one awake – or alive, as the man I spent the strangest night of my life with put it. ‘Just wait until you tell everyone that you’ve met your own personal Jesus,’ I say to myself and start laughing like crazy.
But then I hear that familiar voice from up above me.
‘Up here, Mia!’
‘Hi God, what a miracle!’ I shout back, without looking.
‘Get up here, it’s cold!’
‘I would, I just don’t know where the elevator to the ninth cloud is!’
‘Have you tried inside the building?’
When Voltaire said that God is a comedian, he must have known something.
I finally see M looking out the third floor’s window, waiting for me to go upstairs.
‘I’m coming,’ I scream, ‘you hear that, you insane god, I’m coming to read from your book of secrets!’
Someone wakes up and pulls the curtains.
‘Hey, who’s that?’ I ask and point at the first floor window.
‘Miss Granada, why?’
‘Did you make her up too?’
‘Just get up here!’
‘Hey miss Granada, it turns out you weren’t good enough for him! Apparently I’m the girl of your artsy neighbour’s dreams!’
The front door opens and I get inside the building. An old man just going out looks me up and down.
‘What, have you never seen a character going off script?’ I ask, then run all the way up to Heaven’s gate.

 

‘Are you crazy?’ he asks and pulls me in, looking terrified. ‘You’re waking everyone up.’
‘You tell me if I am! Why do you worry about the neighbours, they aren’t real, remember?’ I laugh in his face until he cracks a smile too.
‘There you go, God, life is beautiful – or you still don’t believe that?’
‘No, no, no,’ he laughs, and I can tell he is nervous, ‘this isn’t a two-way street.’
‘Tell me about it. I can hardly make you laugh, whereas you wrote my way to your place. Life really is stranger than fiction, or maybe it overlapses it.’
‘Mia, I didn’t write anything about you coming here,’ he says and lies down on the couch, staring blankly at the ceiling.
I reach for his pack of cigarettes.
‘So how did I get here then?’
‘I’m not sure, but I’m not surprised either. I told you that I am right and you will always be a part of me. But take a look,’ he says and points at his laptop. ‘Have a read. I wrote that about an hour ago.’
‘Weren’t you going to die or something?’ I mumble and take a seat, then go through his text.
It’s one short paragraph – a disgusting sort of coincidence about a girl who makes friends with her inner dragon and asks him to share the power. They share a long moment of silence, both on the same side, no one trying to split anyone’s head open to decide who rules her world next. At the end, the dragon dissolves into her and she finds a place she can call home. Then she reaches for a pack of cigarettes and sits down, contemplating the surroundings.
I stop and tell him that my head is spinning and I’m going to throw up on his desk.
‘It’s only natural, you’re hungover.’
‘I’m a mad man’s thoughts on a blog, that’s what I am.’
‘You’re a living, breathing, beautiful girl, Mia,’ he says from across the room in a low tone of voice, ‘I just happen to know you really well.’
I put my chin on my knees and stare at him for a while.
‘You don’t believe it’s just that.’
‘I don’t really believe in much anyway.’
My God is an atheist. Oh, the irony.
‘You’re a coward.’ I say. ‘You would never kill yourself.’
He smiles at me.
‘I think I just did.’
‘You just wrote a stupid story where you free the girl, what’s the big deal? You fight life with words, and it seems that even your own words fight back against you. You say I’m not very brave, but you’re not exactly a superhero either. You’re just a scared boy playing God every night, who just ran into Lucifer.’
‘You’re not the devil either, Mia’
I burst out laughing so loud that he has to shout to ask me to shut up.
‘Do you even hear yourself? Is that the best you can come up with to save a ruined date?’
‘I told you this – no, I wrote you this when we were in your kitchen. You’re that part of me I wanted to save, so I wrote about you. I just didn’t think you were going to… you know… exist. Or I was ever going to bump into you.’
‘This is too much for one night, do you ever wait until the second date?’
A couple of minutes later, he tells me to go sit next to him on the sofa. I go. He is probably sick, but for some reason – maybe because I feel like I’m inside a good film – I just need to figure it all out.
‘So you wrote about a fantastic girl because you still believe in making homes out of humans. Am I your safe haven, the best thing you have to make up for your lost faith?’
‘You are, in a way,’ he admits.
‘Well then, I guess I turned out to be pretty flawed, judging by our first 3 a.m. spent together.’
‘You weren’t meant to be perfect; just raw and real and beautiful. I’ve watched you all night, you make me proud.’
‘Thanks, I guess. God, this is awkward.’
‘M for you.’ he laughs.
‘I’m sorry, you aren’t funny anymore.’
‘I know, I know, I am sorry.’
I look at him with a frown, then look away. He tries not to laugh at me.
I try not to laugh with him.
‘Do you remember what I told you? That I write stories where I don’t die?’
‘And then you try to see if getting ran over by a car will get you killed, yes. By the looks of things, you really are immortal.’
‘I wasn’t going to do that,’ he laughs, ‘You know that. I just came home and…’
He has a wide smile, but I can tell how nervous he still is.
‘As much as it pains me to say this, I wrote the ending and I need you to finish that.’ he says and shows me the laptop again. ‘Tell me what you think. I’m doing this for you.’
‘Nice try after everything that’s happened, but I think I’ve seen enough.’
‘Just read it all, please, then you’re free to go.’
I take the laptop on my knees and start reading again. As I scroll down, there is another paragraph indeed. The girl’s name is Mia, and judging by the other details included I can tell it’s the end of a long, complicated story. I also notice the length of the document, but only scroll up to convince myself there is a story after all. My name appears in most paragraphs. I can feel his gaze and then his breath on my shoulder. I’m shivering again, but try to control myself.
‘Jesus. You made the dragon vanish, but let me live? You’d make the perfect boyfriend.’
He ignores me.
How do I still feel stupid around him, after knowing he’s insane?
‘Aren’t all geniuses insane?’ he laughs. ‘But I think we’re even now that I’ve released you. The dragon dies, Mia, I gave you the lead ropes back. So much with the false, imagined immortality I got by playing God every now and then. I don’t think I’ll ever create another character.’
I’m just about to laugh, but I can’t.
I will never finish understanding this.
‘Well, I’m not leaving, I tell him. I’ll never find another guy who goes clubbing, reads my mind and writes like a god.’
The truth is that I am exhausted and I really like his house.
He looks surprised.
‘Well then, stay. Do you want breakfast?’
‘Sure.’
He goes to the kitchen and I go through the text one more time. There must be a catch to it.

 

‘M?’
‘Yes?’
I’m standing by the kitchen’s door.
He is so good-looking. Shame about his distorted reality.
‘When did you write that?’
He thinks about it for a minute.
‘It must have been five or six in the morning, right?’
‘Half five. I don’t know what you usually have for breakfast’.
‘I got here at seven. How did I still find your house if you had released me by then?’
He looks at me, puzzled, his smile fading.
‘I don’t have all the answers, Mia. But we must be bound together, somehow.’
Bound together as in you will always have some power over me?’
‘I believe so. I really don’t know what to say to that…’
‘It’s almost funny,’ I say, walking around the kitchen like a lion in a cage. ‘You’re trying to play both Adam and God. I hope you at least call me Emancipated Eve in your next stupid literary attempt.’
He asks me to hold his cup of coffee while he brings the laptop to the kitchen. I ask him what’s going on. He mumbles something about figuring stuff out. I roll my eyes.
After typing something quickly, he closes it and comes take his mug back, puts it aside and swirls his fingers around mine. I suddenly don’t want any of us to ‘figure stuff out’ anymore, and admit to myself what a nice feeling holding his hand is.
What is it about this man that I can’t pull away from him?
‘If you were to go anywhere in the world right now, where would it be?’
Before I can say anything, he kisses me and I know I’m trapped in one of the most beautiful moments of my life. My body is pumping energy and joy to my every cell. Happy, yes, I guess I am most of the time. But it’s just plain, ordinary happiness, the ‘there’s a cookie, chew on it and keep quiet’ type. This time, I feel alive. And I don’t think anybody has ever made me feel alive before.
‘Nowhere,’ I say, amused. ‘Why? I just want to be here and uncomplicate you.’
I’m not ready to wake up from this and sigh back to reality. Like a selfish little Cupid, I want to see us together for a little bit longer. At the end, or should I say, the beginning of the day, we belong next to whoever we are happy with.
‘How about Mexico?’
‘Mexico?’
‘No?’
So much for warm, fuzzy feelings. There goes a cold shiver down my spine, then a warm one, then a cold one again as I go to his laptop in a hurry. There is one phrase on the screen, only one. It’s quick, it’s nothing. It’s something. It’s everything.
If I am right, then she falls in love with me; and also stops swearing.
I can see him in the corner of my eye, smiling and cooking breakfast on this warm, late August morning, when the whole world seems to be dead. Ah, I should be so happy here, if only he didn’t pretend to have fallen from the sky. But when I realise that it’s 8 a.m., I swallow what feels like hot rocks and rush to the window. There isn’t a single person out there, driving to work or walking their dog. The world seems emptied out of all the details that makes it come alive.
‘Do you like spicy food?’
His voice cuts me open.
I get a sudden urge to pray to God, but I remember that he is probably next to me and could tell what I’m doing.
‘Do you?’ I ask back.
‘Yes.’
‘Then I guess the girl of your dreams likes spicy too.’
He laughs and I take a deep, deep breath.
‘You’re mad, M,’ I say in a thin voice and try to smile.
He turns around to look at me and I’m not sure if I love him or I hate him, or both. I guess it all blurred together in the end.
‘It sounds like I’m quite a dream come true too then. Don’t girls like mad artists?’

Amaryllis

[link]

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‘I don’t want to tell you who I am,’ she whispers just when I think of how much I want her to keep talking. I want her to talk to me until I know enough to make her the main character of my novel.
‘You don’t have to,’ I say, ‘but I would love to discover you.’
‘Create me, then.’
She takes my hand and puts it around her waist, and as I hold her I think that maybe this girl shouldn’t be out there. I shouldn’t think of her as the character of a novel. She doesn’t need to belong to the world. She doesn’t even have to belong to me. Some paintings aren’t meant to be exposed, they’re only meant to express something. To keep flirting with God’s masterpiece feels almost embarrassing. I just want to capture her essence and remember it forever.I reach for a bottle to squeeze it in, but I remember that she is in my arms and I put my hands on her face again. I don’t want to waste this second with stupid attempts to imortalize it. It’s fading already. She reaches for the lighter, and we share a cigarette in silence, shared loneliness, noises of the streets and of the skies.
I don’t really care who she is, I love her already, or I love who she turns me into, it’s too early to make the difference. Tomorrow is all up to her, but for now I’ll shut the windows and lock the door if I have to, because tonight she won’t slip through my fingers.

An old almost lover wrote this about me. I still remember it, word for word, like some kind of lovely curse. It makes me smile when I run out of reasons.

 

Well, people do what they want and usually hate it after. Eventually, he hated it when he found out that what he thought I was wasn’t really me. The next morning, I ran back home and vanished from his life. The truth is that I don’t know how to be out in the open.
The grass did look greener on his side, but I knew I wasn’t going to make it all the way there and frankly, I had no good reason to. The only place where I allow my feelings to exist is in my art. Any form of affection I felt for him that night was nothing else but fuel to my fire. As for him, he was only a raw sketch, an undefined character, inspiration. That’s about how much people like him mean to me – and it’s funny, because I’m talking about people at their most lovable, when I want to wrap my fingers around theirs and think about never letting go. But I don’t, because thinking creates feelings, then feelings kill the mind; so much for thinking.
I should have told him that from the very start, should have told him Baby, nobody can give you them so you can be you, because that’s just not the way it works. Write until it’s strange and quiet inside your head, then sleep on it. You’ll wake up feeling fresh and strong and I’ll be nothing more than last night’s mysterious girl. You can not possibly love such a thing. Love is either mutual or stupid. There. A few more seeds in the ground. But of course, I didn’t. I let him trace me, line by line, until a wave of warmth washed over me and I felt as safe and sound as a girl like me could possibly feel; because in the back of my mind, I’m always waiting for when the spell will be broken by a phone call, hunger or daylight. Then I’d just lie there, gnashing my teeth in frustration as I try to cover up my soul before he turns his head to look over the shoulder and smile at me, as if we’d still be surrounded by magic.
But instead, that’s when I escape.
I’ve learnt that I am the ultimate ticket to happiness.
They say they want to discover me, I tell them there’s not much to see. In a way, I’m not lying. You know all those things you’ve always wanted, but thought they aren’t real enough? They’re not real because you haven’t created them yet. By the moment they would touch me again, I’d already be gone, locked inside my head, transformed into magic dust or whatever they like to call it.

 

He sent me the note a few nights later, through a mutual friend. There was a P.S. too. It said: I used to think it’s the daylight that breaks the spell of night. Now I know it’s girls like you who do it.
It felt like swallowing hot rocks, so I tore the paper in more and more little pieces.

Wilder Chapters

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II

 

There’s a certain beauty about being a mess too; painting outside the lines, outstretching your arms for things at top volume, at their most difficult, at their most needlessly complex only to remind yourself that you are alive, that you are fresh, that you are worth fighting for. It’s the other side of ordinarily beautiful, the side where you get to when you fall right through the cracks and think you’re flying. If you like explosive, fragile, mysterious, effervescent, the day you land is your first lucky day in hell, and you are the brightest fire.

I was radiant. The free fall came straight after following the little trail of cookies that led to the dark side. I knew I’d end up in scary places, but I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t choose the outcome consciously. I wanted the free fall, as much as I wanted the sweetness and danger of losing control.

Harmony is overrated when the bad parts of you are alight all the time. Eventually, you accept that you can’t tame them anymore. You want to be less scared, less anxious and more willing, but your guardians never sleep. You are safe, so safe and numb and closed off that you could die and not notice that something’s changed. The only way to get the lead ropes back is to make friends with your inner dragon and ask him to share the power – and the cookies, for that matter.

 

I

 

I was the one who always tried to force the endings to go my way, because I couldn’t stand the unhappy ones. The sick had to get better, I had to get what I wanted. My sanity depended on it. Ah, I always had some sense of discomfort with the world, of not quite fitting with it, and I was secretly proud of it, but kept it secret. Every now and then, I fantasised of a precious time when nothing had real consequences and I wanted to get there, maybe once or twice, just to see if it feels good to feel nothing. But in the real world, the endings had to match my visions.
Then I met him.
It was spring and he made me feel wanted, and I wanted nothing more than that.
But our paths with someone can become these tangled, knotted messes.
There was a particular look to his eyes, a kind of heaviness. I wondered what it was, I could never find it in me.
He was the one who taught that fear isn’t frightening if you don’t hang out with it:
‘Why do you talk about fear in the third person? Fear doesn’t have an identity. You are the fear.’
He also taught me about the hidden side of love:
‘Of course, love is a great way of finding comfort. But you love me for all the wrong reasons, like the pleasure and the need for the many definitions I can give you.’
‘I’ve never felt suffocated by your presence,’ I replied, saddened by his words.
He kissed me on the forehead.
‘That’s because you don’t have a world of you own, baby. That’s why you were so eager to make room into mine. But even in my world, you remain a misfit. One’s inner world should never be invaded, it should never be shared. It’s built on grounds that you’ll never fully understand, and you’ll always be cold and starved in it. Are you happy, sleeping on the couch night after night?’
He was the last person I was vulnerable with, before understanding that complete vulnerability is anything but strength. It’s you losing to yourself, to your dragon, to your inner goddess. To him. To life.
Being yourself isn’t about being your weakest self.

It’s wasn’t about starting over, it was more about the silence. That moment of perfect silence that you share with your dragon, both on the same side, no one trying to split anyone’s head open to decide who rules your world next. You look at him and see how terrifying and strange and beautiful you could have been, something not everyone knows how to love. You wonder if that’s why they don’t love you, then you remember you aren’t there yet. You still have to develop this leathery toughness and grow some thorns on your back – like the ones on those hip denim jackets – but you gain strength from him with every breath you take, together, quietly, contemplating the city lights from your top floor window. Things seem so sharp and the world seems so fresh and you begin to like who you are, or who you might be. You see the life in brighter shades even without having transcended into another dimension, one with better coffee and longer nights.

Firstly, you begin to take more meaningful breaths, as if life actually means something. Then you realise how out of touch with it you’ve been, so out of touch that you had no interest and respect for new experiences anymore as if you had closed the door to life’s upgrades. Suddenly, you’d not only lose your roots, you’d cut the whole forest down, plus a few inches below ground level just to make sure it never grows back again. You dream of being out there. In the light. In the dark. On the back couch of a nameless café. Somewhere under the sun where you can grow young and strong again. You’re curious to know what it’d smell like, what it’d feel like sleeping there. How you’d be there. You can almost sense it. Curious, imaginative, active, intuitive, inquisitive, quiet. Strong minded. Crazy. And God would lean closer to Earth to watch your every move, rubbing his beard and smiling, for you’d be the closest of all to have been created in His own image.

The world doesn’t give us the time to recreate ourselves from scratch. Maybe it’s its way of saying that any change we make is personal and should stay private. Life went on all around me to remind me that, but it was fine. I was knee-deep in and I loved it. There was something inside of me; something restless and playful, like my body already knew. I was becoming one with my shadow, and all those memories that would fire at times when I didn’t want them seemed another life. This time, I didn’t need much; only fragments. The rest I could invent myself. When things got bad, I closed my eyes and let them pass me by, then got up and changed direction. I was out there. In the light. In the dark. On the back couch of a nameless café. No hidden catch, no mind games and no 5 a.m. drama, tears raining from my eyes. I couldn’t do that anymore. This time I was everywhere, flaming, intense.

He thought that my new-found energy must be exhausting. I thought that exhausting is still waiting. I remembered waiting. Waiting was when life was waking up, waking up, waking up, a series of repetitive, promising actions that kill the potential and the soul. And tomorrow? It was buried six feet underground every night. Suddenly I was on the run, and my intensity felt light. His inner indecisiveness was a long stormy night I was sick of spending under the covers. Staying in bed all day was not poetic anymore. I didn’t need his hugs, like ropes wrapped tight around my body. I still liked the intimacies we shared, the hands and breaths and shivers so I stuck around. He was good-natured and his sleepy voice made me smile, and the stories about our half made-up pasts made me laugh.

But before I knew it I completely forgot about the strength in his eyes I was fascinated with. I was becoming so restless. Looking at him, a part of me felt as if I had found a secret map and the road was home; but more of me felt like something was missing, or I was missing on something. He was my mixed blessing.

 

One night I was standing by the window, looking at his reflection. It was then when I realised that it had turned into nothing more than a familiar face, blurred by long nights, second chances and words I can’t remember, like images from an old romantic movie when the actors are already dead.
He told me that he liked my silence.
His voice echoed for a while in my head.
If you could see my fire, maybe I’d like you too, I thought.
Because I was the girl with the open roads now, and I didn’t want to go home.
And the free fall… it was quick, it was nothing. It was something. It was everything.

Miez de noapte si un haos mai simplu, mai fluid

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Lucrurile se schimba atunci cand intelegi ca esti liber sa alegi. Nu trebuie sa inghiti tot ce ti se da. Nu trebuie sa asculti romantisme daca nu ai chef sa fii sentimental, nu trebuie sa te duci la filme pline de dulcegarii daca nu vrei sa fii un morman de nemultumiri, neajunsuri si oftari, nu trebuie sa citesti o carte care isi dedica intregi capitole descrierilor de decoruri cand te simti prea viu ca sa-ti incapi in piele. Nu trebuie sa iti consolezi prietenii nefericiti cand iesi la o cafea buna in soare, nu trebuie sa dansezi pana in zori cand vrei sa te cuibaresti in pat la un serial sau un iubit, nu trebuie sa lucrezi cand esti prea creativ si nu iti surade gandul de a iti ingropa ideile si a le lasa sa putrezeasca de vii. Nu trebuie sa ii zambesti, nu trebuie sa ii explici sentimente difuze si complicate, nu trebuie sa raspunzi sec doar pentru ca trebuie sa raspunzi. Nu trebuie sa raspunzi.

Credem mereu ca tinem fraiele lumii in maini si ii controlam soarta; ca trebuie sa ii controlam soarta. Adevarul e undeva la mijloc. Funiile nu ne leaga decat pe noi, nu ne controlam decat miscarile si intoarcerile bruste si impulsive si prea rar cuvintele si gandurile reci si taioase. Nu controlam nimic din mersul vietii, nici o alta reactie, nici un alt deznodamant si, cu siguranta, nici un prieten care trebuia sa ne mai fie, inca, prieten. Nimeni nu ne apartine, nimeni nu ne citeste si inca ceva, nimeni nu ne intelege. Si nimeni nu ne cere nimic. Singuri oferim, ne oferim pe tava si nimeni nu vrea, nu ne vrea amintirile, anectodele, anxietatea. Au deja destule. Ei ne vor lumina, noi n-am ajuns inca la ea, dar le spunem ca arata ca luminita de le capatul tunelului si ii rugam sa ne traga afara.

Ne credem plini de dragoste si nu mai stim asupra cui s-o varsam. Intre timp, ne ofilim in lipsa ei. Ne plasam increderea strategic, in portii aproape egale pentru fiecare nou venit pe picior de plecare. Sinele nostru e nesigur si de propria-i existenta. Avem atatea noutati de spus ca nu ne ajunge o viata. Noua ne vorbim tot ca la 13 ani, cand totul era negru opac.

Ne plangem ca suntem praf in vant si nisip printre degete, vin printre imagini motivationale care confirma autenticitatea iubirii si citate care o infirma. Ne plangem ca ne pierdem, ca ne risipim, ca lumea asta n-are nici un Dumnezeu, ca reciprocitatea e un concept abstract si ca nu ne avem decat pe noi, dar e prea tarziu, caci nici atat nu mai avem. Ca avem atata viata care sta pe loc in noi, care nu curge. Si e adevarat, cat timp o credem. Totul e adevarat cand e invelit in hartie colorata si ne hraneste iluzia de dreptate.

Dar lucrurile se schimba atunci cand intelegi ca nu trebuie sa inghiti negativismul, altruismul egoist, nevoia de control si de posesie, reclamele de la televizor si cuvintele pe care ti le sopteste cineva noaptea, ca sa nu te mai vaicaresti in loc sa dormiti. Ca nu iti cere nimeni sa ii dai ce ai mai bun din tine, ba chiar dimpotriva, te roaga din priviri sa nu-i dai atata povara. Ca daca ti-ai canaliza resursele fantastice pe care le lauzi tuturor si le imprastii pe unde-ajungi inspre tine, te-ai recompune ca o noua, magnetica, mult mai buna, varianta a ta. Ca trecutul nu-i atat de definitoriu pe cum crezi, desigur, daca vrei sa crezi. Ca esti liber sa fii, sa ai, sa exprimi, dar cumva, esti mereu oprit de viata asta cruda si nedreapta, de care te tot plangi, sa schimbi, sa dai, sa fortezi.

Sketch

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link

‘Tell me everything,’ he says.
It’s getting darker outside, and his room feels colder.
‘Like what?’
‘I don’t know. Everything, from the beginning.’
I smile and bury my head in his pillow, imagining the love that could grow in his heart for the baby I was before I became his baby.
‘I have memories from the age of two.’
‘That’s ok. Start there. I crave your beginnings.’
I laugh nervously, thinking of what to say this time. Then all I feel is sadness. I realise he is asking me who I am.
My laughter is extensity, it’s terror. If I wasn’t laughing, I’d be asking myself the same thing.

He puts his hand over mine.
I shake my head and turn over, pulling the sheet up to my cheek.
‘You think that I want you to rescue me with your words, with your gestures, with your insistence, but they start to feel kind of invasive. You read my mind, then ask me for more stories.’
‘Have I just seen raw, undefined fear in you?’ he smiles, and I can sense his love for me in his voice. ‘Fear that you’ll lose your shiny newness, that you’ll lose your wonder, that you’ll become someone I will talk to my friends about, rather than be the one who I feel close enough to to confide in?’
Fear that I’ll soon stand on the street outside his apartment, calling and calling because I just need to touch him again. I nod my head.
‘Fear that I don’t see you sleeping in bed, curled up and silent with chests rising and falling with your own rhythm, and love it just enough to want you – all of you?’

When the armour breaks, I curl next to him, my bare skin impregnated with rust traces of the metal. I don’t want to be untouchable. I am essence dripping from every pore, from every layer.
We both laugh, and I feel easy, and I am happiness, shared happiness. I’ve always liked vulnerability, it’s the only land where I can grow love. But love is so hard sometimes; and so light now.
‘If anyone else was acting this way about me, I’d think they were crazy,’ I say.
There’s a thunderstorm outside, but he warms me up with hot coffee and caresses.
The world can burn, or flood.
My world numbs slightly under his touch.
‘Yeah, but the difference is you like me,’ he replies, ‘so you just like it.’

Waves and Vibrations

USA Roadtrip 2 -1

 

‘Such a one-sided friendship we’ve got,’ she smiled and took another sip of her drink.
‘So we’re friends now?’
‘We could be.’
She leaned over to him.
‘But first, what do you know about me so far?’
He took his time.
She was loud, snazzy, she’d wear black-on beige or gray-on-darker-gray even on lonely, rainy Sundays, she leaves her mind and bed unmade but writes like a genius. She was like a star exploding in the dark theatre, like young love – consumption. She was the wishful, slightly unusual, imaginative type, the kind of girl that lets you know loss for the rest of your life.
‘Not much, Mel. You tell me.’
She curved her lips into a gorgeous smile, and he added that to the list.
‘You know, somebody told me once that I can only write about my own feelings. I felt terribly limited. Then they told me that I was an expert at it. An expert, you hear that? Not an unreliable amateur. I may well be clumsy when it comes to anything else, and that I would be fine with, but I’m willing to work like a slave for my stuff to be out there in the spotlight because I know it’s worth it. I’m telling you, I’m worth it.’
He hadn’t seen anyone like her in a while.
‘How did you become like this?’
‘That’s complicated.
‘Tell me anyway,’ he said. ‘I’ll be honest with you, Mel, you’re fantastic, but it takes more than charisma to sign you up.’
She laughed again.
‘Oh, but it’s not charisma that I put into my work.’
He ordered another drink.
‘What, are you waiting for your answer now?’
‘I am,’ he said.
‘I won’t give it to you. Tell me one good reason why I should.’
‘Because I need to know who I’m working with.’
‘You have me right here in front of you, boss,’ she laughed.
‘I’m not talking about the pretty face you woke up with this morning, I’m talking about who you really are.’
‘What makes you think I want to put that on the table and hand it to you?’
‘Come on, Mel. I need to know this.’
She lowered her voice – and sounded sexy as hell, he thought.
‘It’s personal, isn’t it?’
‘Up to a point, yes. You help me – I help you, this kind of personal.’
‘Oh, the desperate kind.’
He choked on his food.
‘It’s intimate as hell, but here you go, long story short – and this coming from me, means don’t expect it to be that short.

‘I was invisible – can you believe that? It took me some time to face it, but when I did I knew I had to change. I had to, you know, learn to have a presence and not be afraid, because people don’t like other people that are afraid. They remind them of their own fears. But I didn’t know how to do it.
‘I read a quote somewhere – I always look for motivation on underrated blogs at 5 a.m. It said that if you truly want to become a writer, then give up on everything else and work on your dream for a year. If you don’t write anything worth reading, then you belong back to where you started. So I did that. I started writing, day and night, until my writing improved and my mind refined. If you think that’s impossible, think twice. When you feel there is something more than you average self inside you, there probably is. How do you get to the fearless, wild, beautiful creature? Ah, I feel like I’m making it too easy for you when no one made if for me. Anyway, the answer is you let go. You forget, even if it was amazing, even if it hurts. You don’t hold on to things. You don’t try and keep them, you don’t talk them through to stay. You let the world move at its own pace and you move at yours. Eventually, there will be some collisions and some of them, you’ll love. But always remember that you will never, ever in your life love anything more than letting yourself shine through the bullshit. And you shouldn’t. You are eternal by nature, the rest – by choice. Let them choose you and if they don’t, stick to who you are. Whenever you think of the person you want to become, whenever you can see it clearly with your mind’s eye, know that you’re actually looking right into your soul. You can bring that out to play if you let it have a voice, and you do that by cancelling your day-by-day self for a while.
‘Anais Nin cleverly pointed out that, if she hadn’t had feelings, she could have been the most intelligent woman in the world. Now I fully get it.
‘I used to belong to them, but they couldn’t see me when I was there. Now that I’ve moved on, they see me everywhere.’

She leaned over to him.
‘So make me big, M. Put me out there, because I belong to my dream now, and my dream is bigger than me.’
He grinned. The ice broke under her words. She deserved all that she asked for and more.
‘Mel…’ he mumbled, laughing. ‘Mia, Mel, mia…’ he whispered and gently touched her face.
‘Yours?’
‘Yes, mine.’
‘But I just told you…’
Mine, Mel, mine as in my new shinning little star. I’m taking you on board, give your all ’cause I’m betting all on you.’
‘Now we’re talking business,’ she smiled. ‘All yours, but remember that nobody edits me.’
‘Nobody should.’

 

Weeks later

 

‘I see people’s weaknesses,’ she says.
Her lunch was amazing and he was a great company. She could be honest with him now.
‘How do you see them, Mel?’
‘Loud and clear as day,’ she laughs, staring aimlessly at her food. ‘In fact, loud really is the most suitable word. Weaknesses howl, they reach every cage bar and even if they’re silenced for a while they still echo for others to hear them.’
He’s got a lovely smile on his face and nods that she goes on.
‘So I see them in their gestures,’ she smiles. ‘I hear them in their words. I feel them in their thoughts.’
‘Thoughts?’
‘Yeah. Those little bits of imagination that form out of you soul and crawl into your mind, then show on everything you do and say – and then you pass that vibe to everyone. You know?’
He’s still smiling, but something has changed. His new smile is like a business card, meant to cover a lonely boy’s college long days and sleepless nights with a flower bed violently screaming that there’s the cheapest, most effortless made honey. But she sees people’s weaknesses.
‘I know.’
‘Weren’t you hungry?’
‘Weren’t you?’
She takes her first spoonful and waits for him to speak. She’s learned to be gentle with him.
‘Can it be that you smell people’s fears because you’re so fully aware of your own that you know exactly how they manifest?’ he asks.
‘Could be.’
He’s got depth, the boy, and she likes proud owners of emotional intelligence; they’re rare and thus very precious.
‘Would you say you’re good with people then?’
‘That’s… delicate, M.’
‘Oh, please. I’m willing to take it like a man.’
She laughs loudly.
‘It’s always tougher with the ones I start developing feelings for.’
He doesn’t take his eyes off of her.
‘You and me, Mel. You and me…’
He leans over and caresses her hair. To her, it feels like he’s caressing the soul she’s been keeping hostage in the attic, with a few crumbs of dry bread a day so it didn’t come out screaming and ruin the show. But right here, right now, everybody is free.
‘Mia, Mel. Mia…’

Lost for Words

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How do you know you’ve stopped loving someone? It must be when you see them taking all of their masks off and shivering cold in front of you, and you take a hurried look at their cracks, then look away. When their nervous breathing doesn’t move you anymore. When their fragility doesn’t make you want to hold them.

 

I slept next to you, your body moving against mine.
It used to feel like fire and water colliding.
Like my best hit my worst,
like your good wolf bit my evil,
like I’d reached your North and heated it up,
then took it to the South.
There was a boundless warmth between us, melting all of our sadness into a feeling so strong that we grabbed its matching ends and prayed that it held us forever.
Underneath your map of scars I had found the faraway kingdom,
the one they wrote all the fairy tales about.
I was enchanted.
You used to call me your princess when the night came
and we would finally sneak back in.
But no one ever told the story of the queen,
time stops with the taming of the young and restless princess.
And I was all yours.

 

My days were cold and my nights were burning.
You lit a spark I thought only real poets get to see
when they come to accept their loneliness-bound destiny.
I didn’t mind the slippery ice,
for all my thoughts were liquid fire.
Soon, I was travelling from North to Hell and back every day,
every night,
every secret encounter.
I was weakened,
charmed,
ecstatic.
Tonight, I saw you and felt nothing at all.

 

I was refreshed, as if my soul was brand new.
As if I woke up from a long afternoon nap
and I was ready to go out there and face the world,
without your flames burning my back.

 

I’ve already wasted so many words on you.
I was through with befores, afters, even right nows,
I let my mind go blank, until the world became close to abstract.
I laughed to myself on the way home, fastening my pace.
I had nothing that night, apart from delicious, icy fresh air to breathe in, and old stories of you to tell no one.
But I’ve already wasted so many words on you.

Beauty and the Artist

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He said that all real artists are able to turn their beast into beauty for a while.
He was serious, tall, rugged, the kind of man I would share a snack with on an evening cruise on the Thames, holding hands in silence.
‘Who do you think I am now?’ I asked, playfully.
‘The beast,’ he answered quietly. ‘But still you are always beautiful. You must be somewhere at the borderline, like the place where the sea meets the sky. You must be in pain.’
‘Why?’
‘Because you’re waiting.’
Ah. The spot.
‘At least I’ve got some love to wrap myself into,’ I said softly, but loud enough to be heard.
‘Oh, so you’re a lucky beggar.’
He bursted into a wholehearted laugh.
So much with confidently looking him in the eyes.
‘That’s a very sad way to put it. I like to think about it in other terms.’
‘There are no other terms, kid. Where do you get that love from? Other people?’
I nodded.
‘There you go, see? You must be craving for their love from the minute you wake up until you go to bed – and even then.’
‘So I take it –’
‘From anyone who wants to give it to you,’ he continued. ‘Or do you like to think about that in other terms too?’
I thought of the many times when I went out to be among people, but their loud turbulent joy never made me any happier. I found it stupid and artificial. I was looking for beautiful words and tender touches. Instead I was only given cold laughter. It never was infectious.
‘Where do you take yours from?’ I asked.
‘I don’t need it,’ he said.
‘Everybody needs love.’
‘Don’t give me that, please. You look smarter than quoting from movies.’
I grinned my approval. He hugged me from behind and put his chin on my shoulder.
‘Come on, what’s your fuel then?’ I asked, rubbing my palms.
I tried to hold still, but my heart was racing.
‘My fuel,’ he repeated slowly and intensely, and smiled. ‘I like this.’
I like you, I thought.
‘Don’t get me wrong, I need love but not that badly. More than anything in this world, I need something to believe in, something to create and something to inspire me. And it doesn’t have to be that kind of love, for that kind of love very often kills it. Yes, if used wrongly, love can suppress all the beauty in your soul. Meaning is the fulfilment you get from doing the things that you’re good at, meaning is what you give to things you love. But when I started loving the wrong things, such as people and memories, I realised it was not practical love that I needed, because I didn’t know what to do with it; not even after all the many failed attempts. There must be a reason for it. Deep inside, I must be craving for something else, since I got love and I was still unhappy. I remembered how I’ve always wanted others to fill my need for drama and beauty, and I found that no one could. People are very bad actors. They never live up to your expectations,’ he laughed. ‘I usually left the shows sick to my core of them and everything they couldn’t do for me. But one thing I always knew is that they weren’t guilty. I knew it every night I walked home alone, swearing through gnashed teeth and teary eyes.’
That’s when I knew what his favourite thing was.
‘So this is how you’ve figured it out…’
‘What, life?’ he laughed.
‘I guess you can call it life if you like. I’m talking about the thing that makes you vibe like no other.’
‘The thing that makes me joyous,’ he continued thoughtfully. ‘Yes, that one thing…’
I turned to him and pressed my forehead against his, locking him in a long gaze. I knew it was fantasy he was talking about.
Dripping out of splendid, brave, mad imagination.
‘May I be your inspiration for today?’ I whispered.
‘You already are,’ he smiled and kissed me on the lips.
Fantastic!
‘But you’re not a creative beast now, are you?’ I winked.
‘No,’ he said, tucking my hair behind my ear. ‘A shy wolf, at best. Today, we are only beautiful.’
‘And tomorrow?’
‘Tomorrow we’ll have wild stories to tell.’

Escapism

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My mind is full of demons and they’re having a party of their own, spoon-feeding me from a safe distance with remnants of misery and suspended terror. I’m on the outside looking in, full of the guilt and panic and anger that came with the disenchantment of realising I must have taken the wrong path, because I ended up like everyone I know. Oh, I must have taken the travelled path and now I can’t fight my demons, because the demons seem to be me. Is this what hell is? Am I the very definition of it?

I’ve always wanted to roll life between my fingers and laugh at its nonsense, but I could never put on that mask of confidence and sophistication I could so clearly see when I closed my eyes. It seemed nothing more than a beautiful illusion, a oasis in the desert I was becoming, the forever intangible truth of my heart. So I grew up on the inside, like a self-esteem vacuum, writing poetry on my chest’s walls and sketching on my veins’ interiors, hurting at the idea that I will be permanently dissatisfied as I laugh, love and live further on.

Of course, deep beneath lies, half truths and twisted logic there was always this second hand hope pulling me back, but every time I tried to reborn as my favourite self version I made love to margins and sideways and turned out a little darker. It looked like there wasn’t much hope for me after all.

Even after numerous careful thoughts and doodles of the easiest way out the labyrinth, I realised I was just sitting there, in a room inside my head – that I had decorated with exactness to provide the cosiest place for me to think – having a coffee and a friendly debate with my very own version of Cerberus. I sighed and took the millionth look at my very own perfect picture, wishing I could invent a kitchen and go bake the first birthday cake for a new me.

Escapism. Escapism. You don’t stop thinking about it, do you? Everywhere you turn there’s walls and chains and does and don’ts – and the whys, hunting and creeping you out. You wish you could escape them and live out of your imagination, reinventing the past and intensifying the present. How are you? You are perfect, aren’t you? As if wide awake in a tomb, with all the magic and the horror of life leaking and dripping out. You’re fine. You’re just not happy, are you?

Episod de dimineață

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De la mine până la ea se întindea o legătură, alerga un curent, adia un secret.” – Hermann Hesse

Cuvintele lui se loveau de mine și îmi cădeau la picioare. Nu le mai simțeam. Nu mai erau vii, nu le mai pulsa însemnătate prin vene.
Îl auzeam în fundal, așa cum auzi muzica de cameră când citești. Îl vedeam fantomatic, singur și slab, și mă afundam și mai adânc în propria-mi singurătate.

Când nu știam unde să mai fug ca să nu mă mai lovesc de mine, când nu știam cum să mă mai exprim ca să fie suficient, când nu știam unde să arunc tot ce mi-au lăsat și-au fugit, am oprit timpul în loc și m-am oprit locului și eu. Am simțit un calm greoi și dens în jur, un calm care-mi închidea gândurile și-mi cicatriza rănile, care mă îmbrățișa îndeajuns de strâns încât să nu vreau să-mi duc metamorfoza la bun sfârșit.
Nu era nici un sfârșit, era doar o ușă de ieșire lipsită de glorie, în caz de pericol, prin care m-am avântat de prea ori când lumea mi-a ars în plânset, râset și dezorientare. Am supraviețuit atâtor reîncarnări încât nu era nici o mirare că nu mai știam cine sunt. Caut ușa aceea blestemată ori de câte ori trebuie, și-n secret aș vrea să nu mai trec prin atâtea forme noi, dar nu găsesc nimic care să mă țină. Sunt tânără, ma consolez, fac față schimbărilor. Sau așa cred, nici nu mai știu cum sunt.
Dar când să trec încă un prag, când să schimb iarăși etapa, m-am oprit locului și-am tras adânc aer în piept. Undeva, în spate, vorbele lui se îndreptau spre mine cu viteză. Nu știu dacă au trecut prin mine și au ieșit spre noua dimensiune, sau pur și simplu nu m-au mai atins. Câteva au căzut moarte lângă mine, și eu am rânjit fâstâcită, cu fața-n palme. Mi-am adus aminte, ca printre picături, că sentimentele se respectă chiar și după moartea lor. Că părțile bune nu se îngroapă în cele rele. Vocea lui parcă s-a întețit. Apoi m-am cufundat înapoi în liniște.
De la ea, am învățat că a nu trăi cu integritate e cel mai obositor lucru; procesele de conștiință sunt epuizante. Dacă l-aș fi ascultat acum, i-aș fi dat replici în care nu credea decât furia mea. Dacă mi-aș fi dat voie să simt milă pentru el, m-aș fi blamat la nesfârșit pentru ipocrizie și decizii luate în grabă. Și dacă aș fi plecat acum, mi-aș fi făcut morală la nesfârșit. Ea am fost eu.

Afară începuse ploaia, o ploaie rece, primăvăratică, de seară. Eu mă cufundam în lâna moale a singurătății ce m-a cuprins, a calmului aproape de nedescris din încăpere. Până și el își lipise fruntea și palmele de geam și nu mai spunea nimic. M-am întors pe călcâie și, în liniștea cea mai deplină, l-am surprins cu o îmbrățișare.
S-a întors spre mine cu o mină tristă și mi-a spus că aștepta să plec. L-am întrebat de ce nu m-a grăbit și mi-a răspuns că în fapt, vroia să rămân. Mi-am întors atunci capul peste umăr și m-am uitat lung înspre ușa întredeschisă, prin care intrau zgomote de pe scări, din vecini, din altă lume.
– Mi-am adus un bagaj, unul mic, i-am spus. Vreau să rămân o vreme.

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