I had a crush on your mind since I thought I figured how to walk through your doors, all marked private. You had gentle manners and were softly spoken and showed me the world like I had never seen it before. I inhaled everything with the greed and thirst of someone who had never been on the bright side of life before.
It seemed like I had lived in darkness my whole life before you switched on the light, and switched on the light, and switched on the light. My eyes were burning, my mind was on fire, and my heart was throwing off sparks in your direction. I could see you – I just wanted to see more of you. I wanted to bring saturation all the way up, until colour was all I saw, until colour hurt my eyes, until I could never look away.
“Focus outwards,” you told me, caressing my thigh, and all I could think of was how little there was outside of it, and how little it could hold my focus. I liked your strength, your roughness, and your darkness; there was nothing else to like more. I never questioned why you wanted me to focus outwards. I just figured you had more to show me, and I was keen to see it all. I only missed the essential.
You came and went in episodes, but there was nothing worth remembering from the times in between – so I forgot them all. Images of us were flashing through my mind all day and night, all madly beautiful sequences, all blurring all the rest out. There was no showy stuff. Just this vivid and strange life you led me towards, and I was breathing like the world was running out of air.
Chilly autumn evenings, when my favourite sweater’s lining of boldness was nothing compared to your hand. Lattes and limos in square markets they made for lovers just like us. Waking up only to dive into daydreams that would never happen, but little did I know when everything was just on the very edge of happening. You, you, you. Day, night, day, night, day, night. August, December, April…
I’d come find you, but I see no signs and no doors. The world is back as it was before you, bland and colourless. I’d hold tight to the memories, but they are starting to slip away from me and blend into the background. And, hard as I try to remember what I learnt from you, I see nothing in focus when I focus outwards.